Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
There's a new game being played in Washington D.C.. ..it's called swallow the leader.
What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
Pardon Me
What's the difference between Nixon and Clinton?
Deep Throat brought down Nixon, but Deep Throat WENT down on Clinton!
How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern?
She's the one with the dirty knees.
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks? He just bends over the pages!
Why doesn't Monica eat bananas?
She can't find the zipper.
What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
Bush Beats Clinton
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition, I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
Realization of from another White House intern . . .
And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
Why does Clinton think he's innocent,
Because he didn't inhale the intern!
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
President Clinton, what do you want to do about this abortion bill?
"I guess...pay it!
_________________________________________________
The
American
tourist got
the shock
of his
life when
a Mexican
with a 6
shooter
jumped out
from
behind a
cactus.
"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although
shocked,
the
tourist
did what
he was
told.
"Right,
now
do it
again"
said the
Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With
sweat
running
down his
brow, the
yank
managed a
final
effort and
fell
exhausted.
"Good"
said the
Mexican,
"now
you give
my sister
a ride to
the
next
village."
_________________________________________________
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are you doing?"
"I gotta piss, man."
"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?"
"No. This is the American Embassy."
_________________________________________________
* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
* The Earth Is Full - Go Home
* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
* This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
* The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
* Illiterate? Write For Help
* Honk If Anything Falls Off
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit * Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
* It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
* Boldly Going Nowhere
* Cat: The Other White Meat
* Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
* Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
* How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
* If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
* Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
* What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
* As a Matter of Fact I DO Own the Road
* Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
_________________________________________________
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shopkeeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."
The tourist looks around for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a Consultant."
_________________________________________________
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat.
He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my hamster?"
_________________________________________________
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
_________________________________________________
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.
The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomit,
hairball somewhere
Will find in morning.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then silence,
me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter Returns
with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore
my sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me
if I can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
I want to be close to you.
Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Uh oh! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no!
Big One has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll go in the sink
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
_________________________________________________
President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to public and private meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies underwear on his left arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what was going on. Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask the President why he had a pair of ladies panties on his arm. The President looked genuinely surprised, and replied, "Oh That. It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. What's the new game they're playing in the White House? Swallow the Leader. What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff" In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again" What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? Fornigate. What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House? Missionary How ironic... this is the second time in history a "Deep Throat" has been at the center of a presidential controversy. If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass: "Re-elect President Gore in 2000" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Hillary Clinton is coming out with her new book, "It takes a village to watch my husband." President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it ?" yells the President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr President. What do you want to do about it ?" the Aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary right after having sex?.....I'll be home in 20 minutes...... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- clinton asked that his statements about the alleged incident be retracted. clinton states the girl misunderstood him to say "to lie in the deposition." what he says he really said was "to lie in a different position."
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Application for a White House Internship ======================================== Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov.
Name: Hometown: Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you... ?
Giggly___ ? Drunk___ ? Hot___ ? To lie to a federal prosecutor____
Quiz:
1. You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
2. Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
3. You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
4. My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you!
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
_________________________________________________
Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
_________________________________________________
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion - royalty - sex - mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
_________________________________________________
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
_________________________________________________
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. " -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job." -- Franklin P. Jones
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.they must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."
-- Andy Rooney
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." -- Woodrow Wilson
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting." -- Dr. Ian Dunbar
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -- Roger Caras
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.."
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner
_________________________________________________
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
_________________________________________________
Dumb People -----------
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
*******
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
*******
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'I'?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
*******
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
*******
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
*******
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
*******
A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." He then added: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
_________________________________________________
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."
_________________________________________________
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. "Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind." answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school.
The friend explains how to overcome these problems... "All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35!"
The mother is very surprised.
"And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?"
The mother is shocked.
"And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?"
"It's because you got an F in sex."
_________________________________________________
Some Great Things ??????? About Getting Older:
Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. Your eyes won't get much worse. Things you buy now won't wear out. No one expects you to run into a burning building. You don't need the roof shingles with the 30 year guarantee. There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense. You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man. No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze. You may never have to vacuum under the bed again. Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible. You don't have to bother planting perennials. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
_________________________________________________
A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really really curious... What does Hell look like?" Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator." After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?" Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh? Maybe Elway's finally gonna win the Super Bowl."
_________________________________________________
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
_________________________________________________
Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life?
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
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Lockheed Martin announces steep cutbacks
LM will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2000, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.
LM stock soared more than 275% on the news.
The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said LM CEO, Vance Coffman. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of it's employees.
Employee Reduction Plan
From there, said Coffman, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion. "We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added.
LM plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs,attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-LM employees who presently work for other companies.
"We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Coffman.
Among firms LM has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation (parent of American Airlines), Callaway Golf, Charles Schwab and all 7-11 employees. LM's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said Coffman, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to LM, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.
"We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said Coffman.
Legally, pink slips sent out by LM would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.
"This is ridiculous. I don't work for LM. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines.
"Reactions like that", replied Coffman, "are not very sporting."
Inspiration for LM's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 38,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, LM said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave LM in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," Coffman said.
Analysts credited Coffman's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing LM share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty.
"It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, it may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.
Coffman, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from head exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
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The wife had had a hard day with the kids, her husband came home in a foul mood, and not much was said at all during a dinner which no one seemed to like.
After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long, leisurely bath and crawled into bed, only to have an unwashed, slightly drunken husband come into the bedroom, rip off his clothes, climb into bed and plops on top of her.
"Get off of me, will ya?!?"
"Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?"
"No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. How in the hell did you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT!?"
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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. Takes him 1 ½ hours to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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1 6-7 pound chicken ¼ cup melted butter ¼ cup stuffing ½ cup unpopped popcorn salt and pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper; stuff with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in oven. Listen for popping sounds. When chicken's ass flies across the room, chicken is done!
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The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.
This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress. Do Not Disturb!
Mind like a steel trap: Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. A coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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Politically Correct Christmas...
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo- Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her.
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Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come. Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top. Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? A: He married her. Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!" Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? A: It Takes A Village! President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!" Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods. Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. "One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A: A dead girlfriend. Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling. Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? A: Swallow the leader Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
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Proverbs for the New Millennium
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we first practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like http://www.home.com
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stronger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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Questions...some new, some old...all still funny!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka
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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. ****************************************************** Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. ***************************************************** Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. ****************************************************** Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. ****************************************************** Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. ***************************************************** Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. ***************************************************** Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. ****************************************************** Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? ****************************************************** Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A : Ask your mom.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don't work. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine.
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Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
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Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their Miami Beach hotel.
"Oh my God!", cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy! Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked. And look, his eyes are crossed."
"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."
"Oh," replies Sadie. "On him it's very becoming."
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A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"
Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like SHIT!!' I reply 'Yessir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?' "
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He says he poked a little, but he didn't penetrate. And we thought Nixon was the Tricky Dick! Now we know why Bill Clinton wears underwear: To keep his ankles warm. Clinton: I didn't do it; but if I did, it was out of love for Hillary. Name that Scandal: Winner: Zippergate. First runner up: Tailgate. Be easy on Bill. To paraphrase Alice Roosevelt (on FDR and Eleanor), after all, he does have Hillary. I bet Bill and Hillary had a long night last night. Hillary says she doesn't mind since she doesn't want Bill in "that" way. What do a clitoris and the emergency defense button have in common? Bill Clintons finger. Should we rename it The Oral Office? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP 11 CLINTON's EXCUSES
11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top!
10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
8. Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office
6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname
5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90s, I sent her an E-MAIL!
4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton.
2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans- Oops, I mean it was in my genes. AND for those of you who remember the famous "I didn't inhale," comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.......................
1. "I didn't insert..."
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Science Fiction Story Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines! That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what doees the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"Thats the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, Then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers,but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel thrugh C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's about it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, The ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriated, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."
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Some smileys with an attitude
:-) -: With an erection
:-) 8 - Female
:-| 8( )- Pregnant Female
:-( :- Impotent (Or let down)
:-| -8 Blue balls
;-) o===8 Braggart
:-\ 8o After a cold shower
;-) ===8 Circumcised
8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain
:-| -^-: In need of some corrective surgery
:-) :-... Taking a leak
:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand
:-{ -__-: After slamming the toilet seat
:-0 ^^: After zipping up fly too fast
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What dress was Di wearing ? Crushed Velvet.
What's the difference between Di and Tiger Woods ? Tiger has a better driver .
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas? A ticket to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chaffeur ride home.
What were Dodi and Di drinking before they left the Ritz? A wallbanger and a couple of chasers.
What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? You get mints after dinner in London and after dinner at the Paris Ritz you get minced.
What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian? A solidly-built Pole.
What's the difference between a Lada and a Mercedes?... Princess Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Lada.
Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio on the day of her death ... ... and the radiator, the dash and the windscreen, ... Knock, Knock Who's there? Diana Diana who? Forgotten her already?
What do Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last hit was The Wall.
What does Diana stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passerby said "morning" Charles said "No, just walking the dog".
Did you hear that the French doctors could have saved Diana, but they didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess?
Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns? They both died when they hit 100.
Did you hear about the princess that stayed out after midnight? She turned into a pillar of concrete.
Pink Floyd is expected to contribute to the upcoming benefit album by singing "all in all, it's just another Brit in the wall" Tonight we could all remember the sainted Mother Theresa and the beloved Princess Diana by eating a curry then sticking our fingers down our throats.
What did St Peter say to Princess Diana when she arrived at the Pearly Gates? Okay, you can come in, but wipe that Merc off your face.
What's the difference between a Skoda and a Mercedes? Princess Diana wouldn't have been seen dead in a Skoda.
I heard that Dodi said to his driver "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di.....
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One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Kings Cross," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at driver?" "Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?" The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?". Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?
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1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6) What does a dog do that you can step into?
7) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9) What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man&n