Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
The
Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked
the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body
goes first?"
Suzie
raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie
replied, "...because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said.
Now,
Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."
The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Tommy
said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy
had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!', and
if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!
A
priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool
wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.
One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical
clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He
told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then
the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have
an owie?"
The
priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a
band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the
back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The
little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those
words say?"
"Yes
I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the
letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
Seems
that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern.
The
first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."
The
bartender taken back asks, "A what?"
She
says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."
The
second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a JC."
Again,
the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"
She
responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and Coke, Duh!"
The
third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".
The
bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means.
The
third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course, its a seven and seven,
Duh!"
Tom,
Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they
decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They
bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when
the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom
won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick
was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet
spaghetti.
Harry
won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When
they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying
their prizes.
"Great,"
said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So
do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not
so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Not
long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for
lunch.
"Well
son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not
very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a
nun."
"A
nun?" his father questioned.
"That's
right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and
none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie
senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice
talk?"
Young
Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine,"
replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set
two extra plates."
---------------------------
Ever
notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years
ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder
and severe lightning. As I came
into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest
bedroom that night.
The
next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with
Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expectedhome, please don't sleep with
Mom that night.
They
said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for
my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their
arriving passengers.
As
I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running, shouting, "Hi,
Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's
the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this
time!" The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see
if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
This
woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in,
and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The
woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong my with my baby, Doctor?
What's
wrong???"
The
doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a
little bit different. Your baby is
a hermaphrodite."
The
woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The
doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male
and a female."
The
woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh my God! You mean it has
penis... AND a brain?"
l.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5.
Are you Andy or Barney?
6.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
7.
You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8.
I pay your salary!
9.
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars
around. that's how far ahead of me they are.
12.
When the Officer says "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?"
You
probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes look glazed, have
you
been eating donuts?
A
statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to
be an accountant.
A
lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a
"brief."
A
psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the
room.
A
schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A
programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
An
actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the
chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Actual
Personals From Israeli Newspapers
I
am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your
innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your
insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Divorced
Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate
holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important. PB 658
Sincere
rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom
Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar,B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life
in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva
bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Worried
about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice
Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76
Female
graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch.
No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch
Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence,
although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish
businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah
candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli
professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born
woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Jewish
male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose
father will hire me. POB 53.
Single
Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has
slight limp. POB 76
An
Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears
streaming down his cheeks. An
airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No,"
replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd
that happen?"
"The
cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
--------------------------------------------------
Two
Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You
know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me
sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em
all."
--------------------------------------------------
Pat
& Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break,
Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!" "Have you now," said
Mick. "And how did you do it?" Pat replied
"I
just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this... damn! There goes
another one!"
--------------------------------------------------
Mahoney
said to his friend McMaken, I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis
a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.
--------------------------------------------------
An
Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A
cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
you been?"
"Why,
I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well,"
says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening".
"I
did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did
you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"
"Oh,
thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For
a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
--------------------------------------------------
Mary
Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in
tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh,
Father,
I've
got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The
priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She
says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The
priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
--------------------------------------------------
Two
Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the
street.
They
saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then
they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis
a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then
they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
An
optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that
this is true.
Conscience
is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk
is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even
if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.
There is always death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
It's
easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Anything
free is worth what you paid for it.
It
hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If
it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In
just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I
always wanted to be a procrastinator - never got around to it.
I
am a nutritional overachiever.
My
inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I
am having an out-of-money experience.
I
plan on living forever - so far, so good.
I
am in shape! Round is a shape.
Not
afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
I
have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
One
of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
woman gain five pounds.
It's
frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
Time
may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain
cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age
doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life
not only begins at 40; it begins to show.
YOU
DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU GROW OLD;
YOU
GROW OLD BECAUSE YOU STOPPED LAUGHING.
While
in Israel recently, I found a great buy on a computer. It is akosher computer
called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a goodprice that...well... Mine
arrived today. If you or a friend areconsidering a kosher computer, you should
know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical
computer you are used to, such as:
*
The cursor moves from right to left.
*
It comes with two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for
milchedik games.
*
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets
"Ferklempt."
*
The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels."
*
The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
*
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
*
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not
getting any younger!" button.
*
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to
"Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
*
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already!"
*
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right
corner.
*
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
*
Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of
that."
*
When running Scandisk, it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?"
message.
*
When my PC is working extremely hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
*
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that
advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
*
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
*
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
*
The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
*
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the
following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
*
When Spellcheck finds an error, it prompts: "Is this the best you can
do?"
The
Mathematics Of Relationships
They
integrated from the very point of origin.
Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real
number. They both wanted to get skewed.
The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair.
From then on, it was a continuous function.
They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal
and parallel. She was awed by the
magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical
projections.
"Bisect
my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum.
They had many simultaneous solutions.
He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of
his simple harmonic motion. They
underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the
vertex, the critical point, their finite limit.
After
that they slept like logs. Later
she found him taking a right-handed limit, and that was a problem.
It was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational,
not to mention square. It seemed as
though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up, so they
diverged. That was a real plus
because he needed to get her out of his domain.
She's
currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat undefined.
He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan
for his son, Ray.
The
following list of phrases and their definitions might help
you
understand the mysterious language of science and
medicine.
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone
reading
a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
IT
HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN... I didn't look up the original reference.
A
DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT... These data are practically meaningless.
WHILE
IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE
ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS... An unsuccessful experiment, but
I
still hope to get it published.
THREE
OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY...
The
other results didn't make any sense.
TYPICAL
RESULTS ARE SHOWN... This is the prettiest graph.
THESE
RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT... I might get around
to
this sometime, if pushed/funded.
IN
MY EXPERIENCE... Once
IN
CASE AFTER CASE... Twice
IN
A SERIES OF CASES... Thrice
IT
IS BELIEVED THAT... I think.
IT
IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT... A couple of others think so, too.
CORRECT
WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE... Wrong.
ACCORD1NG
TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS... Rumor has it.
A
STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS... A
wild guess.
A
CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA... Three pages of notes were obliterated
when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT
IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE
UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS...I don't understand it
AFTER
ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES... They don't understand it either.
THANKS
ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR
VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS...Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what
it meant.
A
HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY... A totally useless topic
selected by my committee.
IT
IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD... I
quit.