Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
With
the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends
an
inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh
before
allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The
inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good,
he
checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh
and
it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check
ride
and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa
hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just
as
he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the
inspector
has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! What's the shotgun
for!?"
Santa yells.
The
inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell
you
this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
****************************************************************
A
Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one
night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I
think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"No,
that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"No,
I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well,
as these things go, they were about to have a major
argument
about whether it was raining or snowing. Just
then,
they saw a minor communist party official walking toward
them.
"Let's
not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask
Comrade
Alfred whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As
the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade
Alfred,
is it officially raining or snowing?"
"IT'S
FREAKIN' RAINING, OF COURSE YOU STUPID
IDIOTS!!"
he screamed, and walked on.
But
the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow! Why should
we
believe what he says?"
The
man quietly replied: "Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"
****************************************************************
I'd
like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological
phenomenon
(sleep with me) that has been in the media
forefront
(I'm your love slave) in the past few years.
I'm talking
about
subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal
suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which
the
subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it
exposed
(and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the
conscious
mind can pick (you want me) up.
Thus,
the person so suggested (my room 8 tonight) finds
himself
doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring
clean
sheets). This technique was often seen being used (I'll
get
the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a
film
would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the
condoms).
This
one frame goes by so fast the conscious mind can't
possibly
assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many
believe
that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind
(I
really want you) to act on it.
Does
it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who
knows?
(and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and
the
peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love
Lucy"
reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new
names
for when we' re done and then we can sleep for 3 hours
and
do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.
Thanks
for your time and patience.
****************************************************************
At
a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a
big,
oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a
large,
informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them
disappear
into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed,
"Look,
lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
****************************************************************
GORE'S
UNRELEASED CONCESSION SPEECH.
I
wanted you to know that I got ahold of Al Gore's first
draft
of his concession speech. I'm told
Vice President
Gore
wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut
down
his chances for being elected President. So,
here
it
is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What
a pisser. What a goddamned pisser
of an election.
"Yo,
Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg.
I'm not conceding a
goddamned
thing. Yer Daddy packed that
collection of
right
wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned
one
of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They
best
be
watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez
for
a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my
hands
on some assault weapons.
"Pat
Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note
of what I
just
told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court.
You
better get your goddamned wills in order, because
I'm
the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God,
you
assholes are next.
"Those
of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey,
thanks
a lot, you dumbasses. Next time,
before you go
to
the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol
so
you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking
paper
ballot. You clowns cost me the
election.
"To
the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get
off
their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built:
Now
you're
getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world.
Shit
fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would
have
been better off.
"And
to my home state of Tennessee. The
"Volunteer State."
Well,
I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch
of
backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.
"All
of you assholes lost this election for me.
I said I'd
fight
for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault.
I'll
be back in four years, so you better get your shit
together
or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my
Vice
President.
"What
a pisser."
****************************************************************
18>
G.I. JOE: "Warning: The term 'Action figure' is a euphemism
for 'dolly'."
17>
EZ BAKE OVEN: "Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to
melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria."
16>
POKEMON: "This toy will result in your first addiction.
Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will
inevitably follow."
15>
YAHTZEE!: "Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida."
14>
YO-YO: "Regardless of skill lever, use of this product can
never -- I repeat, *never* -- make you look cool."
13>
"MY SIZE" BARBIE: "Mattel not liable for incidents of doll
coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your*
clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family,
only with more success than you ever had."
12>
BETSY WETSY: "For ages 3-7 only, you perv!"
11>
FURBY: "Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes,
and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998."
10>
CLUE: "Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our
game, but this is not what everybody meant."
9>
MAGIC 8-BALL: "Not intended for making important decisions,
President Bush."
8>
LAVA LAMP: "Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from
the Earth's mantle."
7>
RAZOR SCOOTER: "Will instantly render user indistinguishable
from every other kid nationwide."
6>
BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish -- what the hell were
you thinking?"
5>
ETCH-A-SKETCH: "Caution: Product will almost certainly be
used to draw a large, rectangular penis."
4>
PLAYSTATION 2: "Not intended as a parental substitute.
May
stunt social growth. Increased
popularity among your peers
is only temporary. Will not
make you happy, even if your
dad did pay $600 for it on Ebay. Note
to parents: Sure,
it's expensive, but think of all the money you'll save on
college tuition."
3>
HACKY SACK: "For use by hippies and slackers only."
2>
JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR: "Maybe get a blister on your finger.
Maybe get a blister on your thumb."
1>
HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE: "Invisibility not guaranteed
for use in opposite-gender locker room or toilet facility."
****************************************************************
Jon,
Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental
institution
for many many years. (Where they
belonged, mind
you.)
One
day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he
wanted
to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally
competent
and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail,
however,
they'd be locked away for another five years of
observation.
All
three took the doc up on his offer. The
four of them went to
the
hospital's indoor pool. The pool
was drained of water. The
doctor
leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60
feet
in the air.
The
doctor motions to Jon. "Jump."
Without
hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the
pool,
breaking both arms in the process.
The
doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump."
Also
without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the
empty
poll, breaking both of his legs.
After
noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells
Lizard
Pecker, "Jump."
Amanpreet
shakes his head. "Naw.
I don't think so."
The
doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically
and
says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're
a free man. Just
tell
me one thing. Why didn't you
jump?"
"Easy,"
Amanpreet says, "I can't swim."
****************************************************************
A
Winter Wonderland
New
Jersey Style
Driver's
swear ..... are you listenin',
At
the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
A
miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
Drivin'
in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
Gone
away ...... are your tires,
meter
has ...... just expired,
They
towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin'
in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
On
the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll
be stuck and threathened on the side,
If
we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,
And
if we plead they may give us a ride!
Santa's
sleigh ..... was impounded,
All
the Elves ...... were surrounded,
He's
now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
Living
in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
****************************************************************
There
are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising.
Suddenly
a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings,a
man
picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are
you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are.
I
saw
a beautiful mink coat. It is
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I
buy
it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and
saw the 2001 models. I saw one I
really liked. I spoke
with
the salesman and he gave me a really good price and
since
we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last
year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account
and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning
and
I saw the house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale!
Remember?
The one with a pool English Garden,
acre of park
area,
beachfront property . . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A
magnificent price and I see that we
have
that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.
OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll
see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"
The
man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his
hand
while holding the phone and asks to all those present.
"Does
anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
****************************************************************
A
redneck had seventeen children, all boys. When
they came
of
age, they voted uniformly for the Republican ticket - all
except
one boy.
The
father was asked to explain this terrible fall from grace.
"Well,"
he said, "I've always tried to bring them boys up right,
but
John, the ornery cuss, got to readin' . . . "
From:
Linda Levy/Steve King [kinglevy@cruzio.com]
Sent:
Friday, December 15, 2000 7:11 AM
To:
kinglevy
Subject:
Sex Ed
A
teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her fourth
grade
class.
After
showing a brief film and reading the lesson, she asked
if
anyone had any questions.
One
little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I have a boy
dog
and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog
and
she has puppies. Is this sex?"
"Yes,
that's sex," the teacher replied.
A
little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's
a
boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle.
Then
she has kittens. Is that sex?"
"Yes,
that's sex," the teacher replied.
Little
Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other night I
saw
a movie where three guys wrestled with Sylvester Stallone.
Is
that sex?"
"No,
that was not sex," the teacher replied.
"Good,"
Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would take
more
than three guys to fuck Stallone in the ass."