Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
December
30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)
After
four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared
the
winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.
Bush,
a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves
until
Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the
winner
of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham
Greenspan
(formerly Clinton).
Facing
a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an
optimistic
tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three
weeks,"
Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to
eat
up four or five hours. Let's get to work!"
Aides
yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic
effort
to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's
victory ends a four-year court battle
between
him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000
election.
While
the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president- New
York
Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and
a
baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been
difficult
to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading
Jesse
Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK."
Torre's
four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home
and
relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing
Yankees
bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that
Zimmer
lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's
shoes,
angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative
was
making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.
Torre
was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with
Bush
moving
in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his
three-week
administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a
bare
mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.
Gore,
meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president
issued
a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful
to
the
democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known."
The
legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the
confusing
design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore,
Bush
filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some
ballots
were yellow and others pink. Gore counter sued, charging that the
West
Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to
receive
"I Voted Today" stickers.
Through
the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the
impasse.
All were rejected, including:
***
Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and
splitting
the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise
to
a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.
***
Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling
the
states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his
native
Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a
passport
every time he went home. Observers said the biggest challenge
for
the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns
tomorrow
and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day
may
not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide
admitted.
"But
maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big
conference
call or something."
Meanwhile,
Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power
to
President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if
she
could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.
****************************************************************
A
beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she
puts
on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa
arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the
socks.
He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a
gorgeous
redhead, says in a sexy voice,
"Oh Santa, please stay.
Keep
the chill away."
Santa
replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the
presents
to the children, you know."
The
girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says
in
an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay
for
a while..."
Santa
begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go.
Gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."
The
girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please...
Stay."
Santa
wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go,
gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."
She
loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."
Santa,
with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta
stay,
Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this
way!"
****************************************************************
****************************************************************
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
RE:
Christmas Party
DATE:
December 9
I'm
happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December
23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised
if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00
P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time,
however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special
announcement
will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry
Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE:
December 10
RE:
Holiday Party
In
no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We
recognize
that Chanukah is an important holidaywhich often coincides with
Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling
it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present.
No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy
Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE:
December 11
RE:
Holiday Party
Regarding
the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting
a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads,
"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle
this? Somebody?
Forget
about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO
GIFT EXCHANGEs WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:
All Employees
DATE:
December 12
RE:
Holiday Party
What
a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the
party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything
for
take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
Farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest
to the rest rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do
not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there
will
be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission
to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have
booster
seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on
a
diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest for those
people
with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits
as
dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.
Sorry!
Did
I miss anything?
Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All Employees
DATE:
December 13
RE:
Holiday Party
So
December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance
on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage
by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate
your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:
All Employees
Date:
December 14
RE:
Holiday Party
People,
people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress Up
like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan,"
there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds
over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could
we lighten up? Please????????? Also
the company has changed their
mind
in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a
notification
in the mail sent to your home.
Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:
All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE:
December 15
RE:
The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I
have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the
%#&^!@
do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change
your
address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address
will
be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will
have
you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!
Vegetarians
!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep
This
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you
can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! Salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes.
But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you
slice
them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them scream right now! HA!
I
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear
me!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Terri Bishop,
Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 16
RE: Patty
Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm
sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy
Holidays!
****************************************************************
Bill
Clinton's Retirement Plans...
1.
Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and
sisters.
2.
Tour the nations' prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
3.
Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
4.
Buy a Hooter's franchise.
5.
Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse."
6.
Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
7.
Continue work counseling interns.
8.
Stop using fake names in personal ads.
9.
Take little Buddy out three times a day -- also walk the dog.
10.
Get to know those Gore girls better.
****************************************************************
TEN
REASONS SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
10.
Men can't pack a bag.
9.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
8.
Men don't answer their mail.
7.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to
be seen with all those elves.
6.
Men would refuse to have their physique described as a
"bowlful of jelly."
5.
Men aren't interested in stockings.
4.
Men would get lost in the snow & clouds and refuse to ask
for directions.
3.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
2.
All the reindeer would be dead, gutted and strapped on the
rear bumper of the sleigh.
AND
THE NUMBER ONE REASON SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN......
Christmas
requires a commitment!!
****************************************************************
You
must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th
of
December.
Well,
I would very much like to clear up certain things that
have
occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled
with
illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an
electric
train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I
destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I
the
first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole
school.
I'm
not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood
that behaved better than me, with my parents,
my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on
errands,
and even help the elderly cross the street. There was
virtually
nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What
balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid
whistle
and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking,
you
fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the
whole
fucking year to come out with some shit like this under
the
tree.
As
if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot
across
the street so many toys that he can't even walk into
his
house.
Please
don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down
my
chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at
those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to
walk
back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do
now
since you didn't get me that fucking bike.
FUCK
YOU SANTA.
Next
year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-
A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little
Johnny
****************************************************************
An
investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent,
so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she
realized
she needed an in-house counsel, so she began
interviewing
young lawyers.
"As
I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the
first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity
must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr.
Peterson,
are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?"
replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about
honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen
thousand
dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the
minute
I tried my very first case."
"Impressive.....
And what sort of case was that?"
The
lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the
money."