Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
BUSH
INAUGURAL ADDRESS SONG (sing along please)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Can't remember how I got through school
Cocaine and alcohol were just so cool
But what's it matter 'cause my mommy says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C?
And maybe by lying to my lovely daughters
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much 'bout the constitution
Don't know much 'bout th' economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
Can't say that I've ever paid one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.
****************************************************************
16>
My Dinner Was Andre
15>
Schindler's Wrist
14>
Braised Heart
13>
Cruel Intestines
12>
My Best Friend's Basting
11>
He Got Gamey
10>
Eat the Parents
9>
My Rare Lady
8>
Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert
7>
Chuck Soup
6>
Dismember The Titans
5>
It's the Donner Party, Charlie Brown!
4>
Men in Black Bean Sauce
3>
GladHeAteHer
2>
A Liver Runs Through It
1>
Savoring Private Ryan
****************************************************************
Christmas
Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA
- Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE
PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA
- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC
- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIA
- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA
- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY
DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION
- Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty
lonely.
OBSESSIVE
COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell
Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, JingleBell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle
Bell...
BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and
then took it all away)
****************************************************************
Spotted
in a Florida Newspaper Want Ad
FAT
LADY TO COME TO FLORIDA TO SING
****************************************************************
In
an attempt to change from Country Western-only to general entertainment,
The
Nashville Network has renamed itself The National Network and has
purchased
the cable syndication rights to all of the episodes of the various
"Star
Trek" spin-offs -- "The
Next Generation", "Deep Space Nine", and
"Voyager."
Changes
in a Country-Western "Star Trek"
14>
Every Friday night, the entire crew heads down to the cargo
bay for the big Tractor Beam Pull.
13>
Original character Mr. Spock: raise an eyebrow, mutter
"fascinating."
New character "Yosemite" Spock: Pop off a few rounds,
holler "Great horny toads!"
12>
The Prime Directive now mostly concerned with restrictions
on marriage to other family members.
11>
Space is still the final frontier, but the first stop is
Winn Dixie for a case of Busch and some Luckies.
10>
Good aliens = mullets; Bad aliens =
mullets and goatees.
9>
Every time a new alien is introduced, Spock says, "Captain,
if I may... them's good eatin'."
8>
Incoming message chime replaced by "Dueling Banjos."
7>
Captain Kirk still sleeps with anything that moves --
as long as he's related to it.
6>
Lieutenant Commander Data up on blocks in the front yard,
waiting for parts.
5>
"Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor,
not a NASCAR driver!"
4>
"Away Team -- set banjos on stun."
3>
Picard's usual replicator order? "Skins. Pork. Fried."
2>
Before every commercial: the Enterprise freezes in mid-air,
Kirk lets out a rebel yell, and Waylon Jennings does a
voice-over where he says, "Looks like them Federation boys
just ordered up a second helping of trouble, and that's
what the Klingons are servin'!"
1>
New title for "Amok Time" is "My Girlfriend's Ugly; I Done
Kilt My Best Friend; And My Ears Are Sore."
****************************************************************
Things
Overheard in Washington in the Next Few Weeks
14>
"Alright, George, you win the bet. Tipper,
come over here
and give the man some tongue."
13>
"So, who's laughing *now* about me putting Alaska, the ozone
layer, old-growth forests and the arctic ice cap in my
Dead Pool, Mr. Smarty-Pants?"
12>
"Hillary, you grab all the pens -- I'll get the towels and
dishes."
11>
"Hey, Dad, I was thinking... do I have to do it? 'Cause now I
think I want to take guitar lessons and maybe start a band."
10>
"...and for the Oval Office, what say we get rid of all those
books and put in a Sony PlayStation and a red-velvet-topped
pool table?"
9>
"Only one ambassador to Colombia?!? Well,
hell, let's appoint
a few more!"
8>
"That musta been some party. Last
thing I remember, someone
was daring me to run for president."
7>
"...and there was this little girl, in a school, in a small
state who asked me about--"
"Mr. Gore? Mr. Gore?"
"Yes?"
"The election is over."
6>
"Woo-hoo! Now I get a
full-time designated driver!"
5>
"I, George W. Bush, do solmeny... somenly... salmon --
dammit!" -- swear to uphold the Constipation of the United
States."
4>
"If a Mr. Satan calls, tell him I'm not in."
3>
"Dickster, I'm pretty hammered, man. Don't
go chest-clutchin'
on me while I catch some Zs."
2>
"Laura! I just passed my first presidential gas!"
1>
"So lemme get this straight: They
named a White House
bedroom after the guy who invented those little toy logs?"
****************************************************************
Ed
asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I
don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused,
the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh
dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At
age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then
at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If
you're
going to tell me now that grown-ups
don't really have sex, I've
got
nothing left to live for!"
From:
Linda Levy/Steve King [kinglevy@cruzio.com]
Sent:
Thursday, December 14, 2000 7:34 AM
To:
kinglevy
Subject:
Irreverent as always....
The
Vatican has begun selling comic books based on the life of Pope John
Paul
II.
Here
are a sample of Superhero Names for the Pope
15>
The Pompatus of Love
14>
The Mighty Pontiffinator
13>
Genuflector X
12>
Pope Shaft, the baddest Pope around
11>
Sexual Restraint Man
10>
The Anti-AntiChrist
9>
Popemon
8>
The Bulletproof Blesser
7>
Over-Population Man
6>
St. Peter's Ballistica
5>
Doveboy
4>
Captain Shovel Hat
3>
The Lord's Super
2>
The Amazing Miterman
1>
Mighty Morphin' Miracle Worker
In
light of the horrific developments with the Supreme Court, here are some
great
bumper stickers:
"Those
who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide
everything."
-Joseph Stalin
Don't
Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think
UNPRESIDENTED!
What
popular vote?
I
voted - Didn't matter
My
parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney
gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo (feel free to substitute Texas
for
Florida)
DON'T
THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
Who
is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.
Now
do you understand the importance of user-testing?
To
you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
I
DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
IT
AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
The
election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Banana
Republicans
George
W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
The
last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for
40
years
"WE'VE
BEEN BUSH-WACKED!"
****************************************************************
Pop
superstar Madonna and her film director boyfriend Guy Ritchie -- also
the
father of one of her children (Or is it one of Rosie O'Donnell's
children?
I forget!) -- have decided
to write their own wedding vows for
their
wedding, coming up just before Christmas.
Sample
Madonna Wedding Vows
14>
"I, Guy Richie, promise to love Madonna, in pointy bras
and in no bras, in blond hair and in black, in lingerie
and in transparent tank tops, in heterosexuality and in
homoeroticism..."
13>
"...for richer or poorer, clothed or naked, new age mystic
or dime store tramp..."
12>
"With this nipple ring, I thee pierce."
11>
"I promise to love, honor, cherish and obey. Psych!!"
10>
"...for better or worse, in sickness and in health,
in Gaultier and Versace..."
9>
"I promise never to compare Madonna to those pictures in
that 'Sex' book of hers -- I mean, that was 2 kids ago!
Stretch marks just make her more sexy, in a matronly
sort of-- hey, where are you going?"
8>
"...love, honor, obey, lash, whip, chain, stomp, bite,
and bind..."
7>
"I, Madonna, vow that you Guy, have signed an iron-clad
pre-nup that includes an incredibly harsh penalty for
any 'tell-all' books that you may be thinking about
writing after our inevitable divorce."
6>
"...for richer or poorer -- alright, who's the smartass
who put *that* in there?"
5>
"I, Guy, take you, Madonna, to the cleaners."
4>
"...to love, honor, and obey -- because I've been a bad,
bad little girl and need to be disciplined."
3>
"...forsaking all oth-- Hey look, a basketball team!!"
2>
"I, Madonna, vow to love Guy faithfully, till death do us
part, or until I have drained all the life essence from
his body in my quest for eternal youth."
1>
"If anyone knows any reason why this couple.... WHOA --
let's just move on, shall we?"
****************************************************************
15>
Winning Through Whining
14>
The Artist's Way at Home: Living
Off Your Parents
-- Twelve Weeks to Financial Dependency
13>
I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time
12>
"It's a Dead Thing!" -- Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals
11>
Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell
10>
Face It: Mental Health Isn't for Everyone
9>
Using Self-Doubt to Overcome Good Health
8>
Boogers for Fun *and* Profit!
7>
Perspire Away Pounds by Sweating the Small Stuff
6>
Bitch-Slap Yourself Skinny!
5>
Drink And Grow Rich
4>
Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!
3>
The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard
2>
Tequila Shots for the Soul
1>
Men Are From Mars! We're #1!
Go Mars!
We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!