Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
According
to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members
of
the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop
their
antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid
December.
Female
reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the
Spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting
Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to
Blitzen........had
to be female.
We
should've known when they were able to find their way.
****************************************************************
1.
On the First day of voting, my party gave to me - a recount in Palm
Beach
by the sea.
2.
On the Second day of voting, my party gave to me - two disgruntled
pollsters
and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
3.
On the Third day of voting, my party gave to me - A three-ring
political
circus, two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach
by
the sea.
4.
On the Fourth day of voting, my party gave to me - Four biased
liberals,
a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and
a
recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
5.
On the Fifth day of voting, my part gave to me - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS!
Four
biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled
pollsters
and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
6.
On the Sixth day of voting, my party gave to me - Six lawyers leaping
-
FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three-ring political
circus,
two disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the
sea.
7.
On the Seventh day of voting, my party gave to me - Seven punch holes
for
popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased
liberals,
a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and
a
recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
8.
On the Eighth day of voting, my party gave to me - Eight tons of BS
-
Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS!
Four
biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled
pollsters
and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
9.
On the Ninth day of voting, my party gave to me - Nine absentee
>ballots
- Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers
leaping
- FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased liberals, a three ring circus,
two
disgruntled pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
10.
On the Tenth day of voting, my party gave to me - Ten tumbling
lawsuits
- Nine absentee ballots - Eight tons of BS - Seven punch holes
for
popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN CHADS! Four biased
liberals,
a three-ring political circus, two disgruntled pollsters and
a
recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
11.
On the Eleventh day of voting, my party gave to me - Eleven overseas
ballots
- Ten tumbling lawsuits - Nine absentee ballots - Eight tons of
BS
- Seven punch holes for popping, six lawyers leaping - FIVE GOLDEN
CHADS!
Four biased liberals, a three-ring political circus, two
disgruntled
pollsters and a recount in Palm Beach by the sea.
12.
On the Twelfth day of voting, my party gave to me -
Twelve
circuit judges -
Eleven
overseas ballots -
Ten
tumbling lawsuits -
Nine
absentee ballots -
Eight
tons of BS -
Seven
punch holes for popping,
six
lawyers leaping -
FIVE
GOLDEN CHADS!
Four
biased liberals,
a
three-ring political circus,
two
disgruntled pollsters,
and
a recount in Palm Beach by the sea!
****************************************************************
!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS
!!!
-------------------------------
I've done a little research, and what I've
discovered should make anyone think twice....
1. More than 98
percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all
children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th
century, when virtually all bread was baked in
the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90
percent of violent crimes are committed within
24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from
a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats
more bread than
that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal
societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been
proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as
little as two days.
8. Bread is often a
"gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even
cold cuts.
9. Bread has been
proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could
lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke
on bread.
11. Bread is baked at
temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread
eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In light of these frightening statistics,
we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to
minors.
2. A nationwide
"Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent
federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human
images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment
of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who
cares about this crucial issue.
Remember: Think idiotically, act globally!
****************************************************************
Organizers
of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn
that
the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
What's
the definition of an Impotent Loser?
A
guy who can't even get his hopes up.
Did
you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp?
When
you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedy's.
The
Madonna Stamp? It licks itself.
What's
the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a
pitbull
humping your leg?
You
let the pit bull finish.
A
father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that,
son,
or you'll go blind."
The
kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
What
do a light and a hard-on have in common?
You
can't sleep with a light on either.
****************************************************************
Signs
Your Fraternity Brothers Don't Really Like You
15>
They stripped you and locked you in the trunk of your car with
a fifth of vodka -- but that was three weeks ago, and you're
getting cold and hungry.
14>
Your "hazing" involves rope, concrete blocks, and a river.
13>
Other pledges: hazing guided by the university's Uniform Code
of Acceptable Fraternal Practice; You: hazing guided by old
"RoadRunner" cartoons.
12>
You understand the spanking part of the hazing ritual, but
the peanut butter and the German Shepherd were totally
uncalled for.
11>
You get a "special" hazing which involves a Jacuzzi and
a toaster.
10>
Even though you're 99% finished with that 'Get elected US
President' hazing ritual, they still won't return your
calls.
9>
They refuse to let you borrow their Hootie and the
Blowfish CDs.
8>
The only times they let you into a frat party are when they
need some fingerprints on a piece of evidence.
7>
They only let you binge from the keg of O'Douls.
6>
They challenge the pledge class to see how many pledges can
fit into your sister.
5>
Everyone else's drunken group-bonding features strong
homoerotic overtones, but yours is just a naked paddling.
4>
All the sorority virgins get taken to *your* bed.
Just not by you.
3>
They trade you, 3 Molsons and a bag of Funions to the
Deltas for a neon beer sign.
2>
Helloooo? You're *paying money* to hang out with them!
Do I need to repeat that?
1>
Your pledge command: Every time George W. Bush says
something dumb, you do a shot.
****************************************************************
WHEN
SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC - Postcards from the kids
====================================================
Dear
Santa,
I
wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR
FReND,
BiLLy
Dear
Billy,
Nice
spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How
'bout
I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I
have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy
in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear
Sarah,
Your
parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I've
written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really
really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear
Joey,
Let
me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll
have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
********************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I
don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear
Teddy,
What,
and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?
He's
banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some
nice
Legos instead.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I
need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards
than
me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear
Michelle,
It
blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of
dollars
worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are
even
learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed,
like
"Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I
want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,
a
pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear
Francis,
Who
names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I
left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer
outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear
Susan,
Milk
gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want
to
be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
What
do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your
friend,
Thomas
Dear
Thomas,
All
toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my
time
squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the
craps
table. HEY, you wanted to know!
Santa
******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
Do
you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like
in
the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear
Jessica,
You
are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear
Santa,
I
really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy
Timmy,
That
whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work
up
here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dearest
Santa,
We
don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
Firstly,
stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass
whipped
at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment
complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all
the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet
Dreams!
Santa
*******************************************************
Hello
out there all people of the world.
This
is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas
may
be a little late this year.
See
after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found
some
problems with the results.
The
first result showed:
428,534,120
Good
428,523,119
Bad
The
second result showed:
428,534,118
Good
428,523,121
Bad
So
you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver
presents
while knowing I could have made a mistake.
Maybe
Little
Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So,
I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To
help
do a recount. We hope to have this
finished up by 5pm
on
the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it
might
take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear
to
me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they
meant.
You
know, Good...and Bad??? And the
check marks I used
were
not all the same, some went left, some right, some were
just
a mark. some went through both
boxes, and some didn't
even
have much of a mark on them. I
leave it up to them to
decide
what I meant.
So
if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no
presents
under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the
story.
Thank you for your patience and understanding in these
times,
Santa
****************************************************************