chocolate chip cookies

An old man was laying on his death bed.

He had only hours to live when he suddenly

smelled chocolate chip cookies.

He loved chocolate chip cookies more than

anything else in the world.

With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself

out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs.

Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.

There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.

As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the

back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was

holding.

"Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"

****************************************************************

Items on Mr. Roger's To-Do List

 Fred Rogers, mild-mannered host of the children's TV show, "Mister Rogers'

Neighborhood," recently announced his decision to retire next year.

Items on Mr. Roger's To-Do List

15> Can you say "nine drunken sorority girls in a tub of frothy

    chocolate milk"?

14> Catch up on a lot of overdue piercings.

13> Work on Russian accent for upcoming role as new Bond villain

    "Comrade Cashmere."

12> Begin work on new show, "Mister Rogers' Managed Healthcare

    Facility."

11> Grow one of them awesome "ZZ Top" beards.

10> Update wardrobe for new Spring '67 look.

 9> Sit on park bench and invite women to guess what's holding

    up the puppet.

 8> Upgrade Picture Picture to DVD.

 7> Finally able to tell King Friday "You're freaking fired...

    I presume..."

 6> Finish controversial last episode, featuring sing-along,

    "Sharing is for Goddamn Losers," and a savage beating of

    Daniel Tiger.

 5> Shoot out Picture Picture with a handgun, just like Elvis.

 4> Get the neighborhood rezoned commercial, then sell it

    to Wal-Mart.

 3> Out of the closet at last, start brainstorming on a way

    to propose to Jim Nabors.

 2> Call up Pee-Wee Herman and see if he wants to go hang out

    at the mall.

 1> Slip on the brass knuckles and go explain to Barney exactly

    how far the Neighborhood's turf extends.

****************************************************************

Tom Swifties

Tom Swifties  (I LOVE these kinds of word play!)

  1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, Dolefully.

  2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.

  3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside

himself.

  4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said,

revolted.

  5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

  6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

  7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said,

straightforwardly.

  8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.

  9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with

condescension.

12) "I remember the Midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.

13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.

14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed,

remotely.

15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.

16) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.

17) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.

****************************************************************

Movies About the 2000 Election

15> National Lampoon's Election

14> The Good, the Chad, and the Ugly

13> Dade and Confused

12> The Lyin' In Winter

11> The Unsure-ian Candidate

10> Al is in Blunderland

 9> Poll Fiction

 8> Hurl, Interrupted

 7> Men Of "Your Honor"

 6> The TerminNader

 5> 102 Tabulations

 4> Chaddyflak

 3> We Still Don't Know Who You Voted For Last November

 2> Grumpy Old Secretaries of State

 1> Mr. <insert name here> Goes to Washington

****************************************************************

Puns Intended.....

Some new, some old.  Have a good one!

1)Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid

bowlers.  However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a

fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2)  A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm

shrinking!!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just

have to be a little patient."

3)  A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins

that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day

his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On

the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he

gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with

transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4)  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk  remedies

with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a

particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the

anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and

said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to

produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket

watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It

turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their

compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather

than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who

has a Tates is lost!"

6)  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory

equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing

to go on."

7)  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.

After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of

elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and

swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man

returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said,

"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8)  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name

missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the

local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken

Leif off my census."

9)   There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on

an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became

pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the

hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that the squaw of the

hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other

two hides.

10)  By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and

one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they

were reading the list of winners he was reallyhoping one of his puns would

win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did!

****************************************************************

Friends

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club.  One of the

girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and

stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill.  She called the guy

back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a

$50 bill and called the guy over.  I was worried about the way things were

going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks

again.

My relief was short lived.  Seeing the way things were going, the guy

gyrated over to me!  Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy

was egging me on to try and top the $50.  My brain was churning as I reached

for my wallet.  What could I do?  I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the

crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

****************************************************************

liven up YOUR Thanksgiving dinner:

Here's some things you can do to liven up YOUR Thanksgiving dinner:

** When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm

thankful I didn't get caught!" and refuse to say anything more.

** Bring a date to dinner that only talks about the tragic and abusive

conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

** During the dinner, turn to your mom and say, "See, mom?  I *told* you

they wouldn't notice the turkey was beyond the expiration date!  You were

worried about nothing!"

Do you realize if the Pilgrims had first shot a wildcat instead of a turkey,

we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving?

This year I had my chance to shoot my own turkey.  Man, you should have seen

the people scatter in the meat department!

My family's always been kind of dysfunctional about Thanksgiving.  Instead

of roast turkey, our main course has always been Wild Turkey.

Did you hear about little Johnny?  When asked what he was thankful for, he

said, "I'm thankful I'm not a turkey."

****************************************************************

Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....

You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....

* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

* A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."

* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

* You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.

* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

****************************************************************

I AM WOMAN

I AM WOMAN -- HEAR ME ROAR!

If you don't open my door.

I CAN DO ANYTHING A MAN CAN DO!

But I don't have to.

I AM NOT YOUR HOOKER!

But you're still gonna pay.

SEX IS A SPECIAL THING!

And a damn good weapon.

MY BODY BELONGS TO ME!

Until I get a dinner and a movie.

I DON'T SLEEP AROUND!

Until I do a credit check.

I CAN FIGHT IN COMBAT!

But I can't kill a spider.

I NEVER TELL A LIE!

But I will fake an orgasm.

I'M THE REAL MCCOY!

Except for my boobs and my face.

I'M VERY PROUD OF MY AGE!

Which is none of your damned business.

****************************************************************

Johnnie Cochran Comments

 Johnnie Cochran Comments on the Presidential Election

14> If the winner ain't Gore, you must count some more.

13> 'Cause they pushed the wrong hole in, their votes have been

    stolen!

12> If things get too messy, we'd better call Jesse.

11> Punch the wrong hole, and you've elected Bob Dole!

10> A county full of crackers are big time Bush backers.

 9> How 'bout those Gore daughters -- they're more frisky

    than otters.

 8> We should burn these Floridians, like Koresh Branch Davidians.

 7> If Cheney's jaw goes slack, it's another heart attack.

 6> That butterfly ballot could elect Gene Shalit.

 5> This case ain't like OJ, but I've got rent to pay.

 4> If it's a pregnant chad, you must abort the lad.

 3> If the whole ain't punched, you've elected a dunce.

 2> When voters have blue hair, choose the ballots with care.

 1> That Secretary of State, even I wouldn't date!