Height

A middle-aged man walked into a bar with a shit-eating grin on

his face and ordered a round for the house. "It's nice to see

someone in such a good mood," commented the bartender.

"Mind if I ask why?"

"This is the happiest day of my life - I'm finally taller than my

brother Jim," explained the fellow, beaming from ear to ear.

The bartender studied his customer disbelievingly. "Are you

trying to tell me that at your age you actually grew taller?"

"Of course not! See, Jim was in an accident on the Interstate

yesterday, and they had to amputate both his legs!"

****************************************************************

Holy Scripture had been written by college students:

If the Holy Scripture had been written by college students:

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -

cold, with stale Coke.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -

double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to

limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't

cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to

abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40

years: They didn't want to ask for directions and look like

freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on

the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it

was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

****************************************************************

Rejected Names for Sport Utility Vehicles

16> Chevy EnviroBlaster

15> Hyundai Balsa

14> Oldsmobile Overcompensator

13> Toyota Timid Baby Bunny With Rosepetals

12> Chrysler Town And Country And The Whole Damn Continent While

    We're At It

11> Mazda Masturbata

10> GMC NaderHater

 9> Ford Exploder

 8> Nissan GasFinder

 7> Ford Fourlane

 6> Mercury Micropenis

 5> BMW Litigator

 4> Oldsmobile DeltaBurke

 3> Lincoln Assassination

 2> Toyota 4Skinner

 1> Dodge This!

****************************************************************

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T:

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

 "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

****************************************************************

Golfing

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,

explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro

showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball

toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway

and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now

what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro

finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great ! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted

tone.

****************************************************************

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN CALIFORNIA

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses

them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and

the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting

you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going

with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have

of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The

other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your

ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal

pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are

apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during

rush-hour traffic.

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone

changing a tire.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD

drivers.

11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant

the light changes.

12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left

before proceeding.

14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by

whatever means necessary.

15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 mph

in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75 mph in

bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed

rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection

process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

18. There is a common held belief that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic

reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the

car in front. This is true.

19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses

because they have brakes.

20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

****************************************************************

Horny Parrot

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches

into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to

tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the

parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a

horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for

fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on!

What are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen

dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female

bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and

feathers come flying out.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens

the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the

cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her

feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked,

bitch. Naked!"

****************************************************************

Thoughts for the week:

* Monday -- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never

tried before.

* Tuesday -- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is

serious.

* Wednesday -- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government

program.

* Thursday -- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the

trip.

* Friday -- Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way

again.

* Saturday -- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

* Sunday -- If it tastes good, spit it out.

****************************************************************