Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
10.
No one ever steals your chair.
9.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7.
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6.
With a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your
exaggerated
resume.
5.
You want to see if it's like the dream.
4.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
3.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
2.
Inventive way to finally meet that special person from Human Resources.
1.
Your boss will stop yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 9:00!"
****************************************************************
Florida
Excuses for Holding Up the Election
16>
Electile Dysfunction
15>
Dangerous Metamucil shortage caused by misunderstood TV
reports of "many irregularities in Florida."
14>
Booths in Cuba stay open until Fidel says it's time to close.
13>
"Help! I've voted and I can't
get up!"
12>
"Give us 'Golden Girls: The Movie', and you'll get your damn
President!"
11>
"Aaaaaiiiieeeeeeee! There are
'gators in the ballot box!!!"
10>
Still waiting for Elian's absentee ballot to be "rescued" from
Donato's closet.
9>
Jeb Bush can't decide whether to help his brother or pay him
back for a lifetime of noogies.
8>
Payback for all those jokes about being "America's penis."
7>
Jimmy Johnson hair fumes *still* addling voters.
6>
Easy Bush victory disrupted by unfortunate large number of
easily-understood ballots.
5>
Gore voters "confused" by ballot design need time to prepare
snappy answers to the question, "And you accused BUSH of being
stupid?!?"
4>
"Que?"
3>
Waiting for Walt's head to thaw so he can cast the deciding
vote.
2>
Ballot inspectors are stuck behind blue-haired drivers going
20 MPH in the wrong lane with a turn signal constantly on.
1>
"Hush up, now! Matlock's
on!!"
****************************************************************
Wanted:
absentee ballots for Florida election, especially West Palm Beach
county.
Can't offer a lot of cash for these; Dad says, "it wouldn't be
prudent
at this juncture" (what ever that means).
But if my current
application
for a new position pans out, early next year I may be able to
offer
discounted rates on Offshore and North Slope Oil leases, instant
background
checks for hand gun purchases, waivers of all kinds of pesky
environmental
rules and regulations and a Supreme Court appointment
or two
for
especially large packets.
Act
now. Free school vouchers to the
first 19,000 responses. This offer
expires
Nov, 17th.
Offer
not valid in Florida or any of the other conticklish states.
GW
****************************************************************
Something
To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .
Where
does an Irish family go on vacation?
A
different bar.
=======================
Did
you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They
named him Sum Ting Wong.
======================
What
would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A
speech impediment.
======================
What
does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're
hiring.
======================
Why
aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because
they're not going to work in the future, either.
=======================
Did
you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He
walks around saying, "Yo"
==========================
What
do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
=====================
Why
do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because
on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
=====================
What's
the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along
with a recipe.
=====================
How
do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
======================
What's
the Cuban national anthem?
"Row,
Row, Row Your Boat"
======================
What's
the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A
northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."
======================
Do
you know why there were only 49 contestants in the Miss EBONICS USA
beauty
pageant?
Cause
no one wanted to wear the sash that said "IDAHO"
****************************************************************
What
Vampires do in Italy....
Two
vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a
little
trouble deciding where to go.
They
were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania
and
wanted something a little more
exotic.
After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy,
because
they had heard that
Italian
food was really good.
So
off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a
bridge
over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for
dinner.
A few
minutes
later they noticed a young couple walking
their
way. As they neared, the
vampires
made their move. Each vampire grabbed a
person,
sucked them dry, and tossed the remaining bodies into the
canal
below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and
decided
to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few
minutes
later and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked dry and
tossed
into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but
decide
to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple
provides
just that. As with the first two
couples,
these
people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail
into
the canal.
The
vampires decided that they had had a marvelous
dinner.
Now it was time to head back home to be sure to beat the
sunrise.
As they started to walk away, they began to hear some
singing.
They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As
they
listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They
looked
over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the
bridge,
feasting on the bodies. They listened as the
alligator
sang:
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
***********
You
don't know what the alligator sang, do you?
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
***********
Don't
you just hate this scrolling????
Are
you ready?
Are
you sure?
Here
it comes....
This
is great!
"Drained
wops keep falling on my head..."
****************************************************************
Dear
Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry
Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine
considering
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that
you
have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your
ailing
mother.
I've
sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope
you'll
spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother
never
buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
pictures,
poor babies.
Thank
you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put
them
in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which
reminds
me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died
years
ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt
Berta
and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I
would
have invited you, but I know that woman you live with
would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched
that
videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well
son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my
cane
beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about
me.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my
heat
off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
the
constant pain.
Now
don't you even think about sending any more money,
because
I know you need it for those expensive family
vacations
you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies
and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the one
with
the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from
my
bosom.
Merry
Christmas,.
Love, Mom
*****************************************************
FATAL
THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT
"I
finished the Oreos."
"Not
to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty
pounds."
"Y'know,
looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby..!!"
"I
sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well,
couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned
if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
from
that Richard Simmons fella."
"Whoa!
For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott!"
"Are
your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get
your *own* ice cream."
"Geez,
you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got
milk ?"
"Maybe
we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"You
don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."
****************************************************************
Take
out a one-dollar bill and look at it.
The
one-dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in
its
present design. This so-called
paper money is in fact a cotton and line
n
blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it.
It is
actually
material. We've all washed it without it falling apart.
A special
blend
of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted
with
symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed
to
give it that nice crisp look.
If
you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States
Treasury
Seal. On the top you will see the
scales for the balance-a
balanced
budget. In the center you have a
carpenter's T-square, a tool used
for
an even cut. Underneath is the Key
to the United States Treasury.
That's
all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar
bill
is something we should all know.
If
you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles,
together,
comprise the Great Seal of the United States.
The First
Continental
Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men to
come
up with a Seal. It took them four
years
to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved.
If
you look at the left hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the
face
is lighted and the western side is dark. This
country was just
beginning.
We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do
for
Western Civilization. The
Pyramid
is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being
finished.
Inside the capstone you have the
all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It
was Franklin's belief
that
one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God,
could
do anything.
"IN
GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The
Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT
COEPTIS,
means, "God has favored
our
undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means,
"a
new order has begun." At the
base
of the pyramid is the Roman numeral for 1776.
If
you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn
that
it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on
the
Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery and
is
the centerpiece of most heroes' monuments.
Slightly modified, it is the
seal
of the President of the United States and it is always visible whenever
he
speaks; yet no one knows what the symbols mean. The Bald Eagle was
selected
as a symbol for victory for two reasons: first, he is not afraid of
a
storm; he is strong and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he
wears
no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England.
Also,
notice the shield is unsupported. This
country can now stand on its
own.
At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a
unifying
factor. We were coming together as
one nation. In the Eagle's
beak
you will read, "E
PLURIBUS
UNUM", meaning "one nation from many people." Above the Eagle you
have
thirteen stars representing the thirteen original colonies, and any
clouds
of misunderstanding rolling away. Again,
we were coming together as
one.
Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons.
He holds an olive branch
and
arrows. This country wants peace,
but we will never be afraid to fight
to
preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in
time
of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.
They
say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.
This is almost a
worldwide
belief. You will usually never see
a room
numbered
13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor.
But, think about
this:
13 original colonies, 13 signers of the
Declaration
of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the
Pyramid,
13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E
Pluribus
Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 plumes of feathers on each span
of
the Eagle's wing, 13 bars on that shield, 13
leaves
on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
And
for minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I
always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know
this
and their history teachers don't know this.
Too
many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many
veterans
remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many
veterans
never came home at all.
Tell
everyone what is on the back of the one-dollar bill and what it stands
for,
because nobody else will.
****************************************************************
Judi
stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
have
a complaint!"
"Yes,
ma'am?"
"I
borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What
was wrong with it?"
"It
had way too many characters and there was no plot
whatsoever!"
The
librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So
you must be the
person
who took our phone book."