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Affirmative Action

Conservatives are right:  Affirmative Action is a disaster that stigmatizes

its supposed beneficiaries and dooms them to a lifetime of  self-doubt and failure.

     I now feel sorry for George W. Bush, for he is truly a victim of an ill

conceived, "liberal" attempt at social engineering.

     Thanks to the New Yorker, we now know that Bush was admitted to Yale

University with a mere 1200 on his SATs, an impossibility for any high

school  student who isn't subjected to some patronizing affirmative action

scheme.

     We  also know that he got into the Harvard Business School with a "C"

average  in  college. That's not affirmative action, that's more like

"someone must  have  had nude photos of the Dean with farm animals" in order

for Bush to been admitted to a program that routinely denies admission to

thousands of straight "A" students per year.

     The problem with affirmative action, as its conservative opponents have

told us and I now finally understand, is that it sets up unreasonable

expectations for everyone involved. Imagine, if you were a Texas oil

millionaire in the early 1970's and a man from a good family with degrees

from Yale and the Harvard Business School asked you to invest  millions in a

business. Of course you would assume he was bright enough to  know how to

make  money. Bush did this repeatedly, losing millions every time for his

investors.

     This was so unfair to Bush, who has been given unreasonable career

expectations given his aptitude. If it weren't for the evil, socialistic

affirmative action program that placed Bush in a world he should have never

been, he could have thrived.

     Given Bush's average aptitude and winning personality he could have

gone  to Texas A&M University and possibly graduated with a B or B+ average.

Then,  he could have gone onto a successful career as a fertilizer salesman.

Instead, he was unwittingly forced into a series of oil schemes that were

far  beyond his talents, all of which lost fortunes.

     Bush was not the only victim here. These Texas millionaires  were

misled.  And, as is the case of so many liberal do-gooder schemes, the

unintended consequences were even more damaging to society. These Texas  fat

cats now likely look at all white men with greater scrutiny and even

cynicism. Even white men like me must pay for the crimes committed by the

relatively few, like Bush, who have placed in positions far above their

abilities. Bush's numerous financial failures obviously took a toll on his

self-esteem. Now we  know the real reason he drank himself silly until his

40th birthday; he

 knew  he was a fraud.

     No wonder Bush refuses to debate his Republican opponents. He is

consumed  with self-doubt and doesn't want to expose himself as the

meritless, affirmative action case he knows himself to be.  How many more

times can he use "is" in a sentence that needs an "are" before even his own

daughters laugh at him at the dinner table?

 Society owes Bush a huge apology for forcing him into a life that he was

not meant for.

     Dear George, we are sorry.  We realize our mistake. You are now free

to  quit the presidential race, resign your governorship and take that sales

job  at Archer Daniels.  Good luck.

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Major disagreement by candidates

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that

Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular

entertainment.  However, they disagreed on the details:

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is

too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile

that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there

is too much bush.

*************************************************

Bookish Young Man

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek

entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam,

I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight,

but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get

undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over

and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.

But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises

to a full 12 inches.  So they have a great time, and after about

five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable

evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the

girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really

something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury

Caesar, not to praise him."

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Players

1) What does the average Minnesota player get on his SAT's?

Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?

Grease her hips and push like hell.

(4) How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the University of Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs?

To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why do they no longer serve ice at Pitt football games?

The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

(7) Why is the Indiana football team like a possum?

Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

(8) What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's life?

His freshman year.

(9) Why did Kansas State replace natural grass with Astroturf?

To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

(10) How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU.

(11) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?

Lafayette,IN ......He knew that the police would never look there for a

Heisman Trophy winner.

(12) Why did O.J. want to move to VA?

Everyone there has the same DNA.

(13)Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up

trash the rest of the week.

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The outhouse

(You gotta think about this one for a second . . . )

Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she

hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there

outhouse."

He says, "All right, Maw."

He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw,

there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes there is.  Put your head down in the hole."

He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there

ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw!

MAW, my beard's stuck!"

She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

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FOOTBALL QUICKIES

  ------------------

  What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

   A: The Kansas City Chiefs

  What do you call a 350 pound Packer fan?

  A: An anorexic.

  What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super  Bowl ring?

   A: A thief.

  Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?

  A: Soldier Field. They never get a  touchdown  there.

  Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

   A: He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche