Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
As
a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department
areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under
this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent
our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older
personnel
by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will
be placed into effect immediately.
This
program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees
who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a
review
of their employment records before actual retirement takes
place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey
of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who
have
been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.
This
appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may
be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times
as
the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the
above
procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half
Earnings
for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS
(Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As
HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED
by
the company. Management wishes to assure the younger
employees
who remain on board that the company will continue its
policy
of training employees through our Special High Intensity
Training
(SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our
employees
receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any
company
in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive
enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your
supervisor
is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT
you can stand.
And,
once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The
Management
****************************************************************
Austin
Powers' pickup lines.....
1.
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet
clothes.
3.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
4.
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7.
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking
to
you.
8.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have
you
seen one?
10.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
11.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
12.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you
all
day long for a quarter.
13.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
14.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
15.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
16.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch
away.
17.
Are those real?
18.
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
19.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
that
thing you do with your tongue.
20.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
21.
(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
22.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
23.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
24.
F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
25.
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
26.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
27.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
28.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
****************************************************************
10.
Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd
and
sold as concession snacks.
9.
In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be
owned
by the Governor.
8.
The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
7.
Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and
ATF
agents.
6.
Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."
5.
Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
4.
Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold,
silver,
and bronze teeth.
3.
Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
2.
Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them
extra
toes.
1.
Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
*****************************************************
A
minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was
very
hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came
upon
a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off
all
their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling
refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying
their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area,
who
should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable
to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest
covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while
they ran for cover.
After
the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back
on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered
his
face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't
know
about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they
would
recognize."
*****************************************************
A
lion in the Milwaukee zoo was lying in the sun licking its ass
when
a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile
old
thing isn't it?"
"No
way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in
the
zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Republican politician
into
the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly
seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is
it
lying there licking its ass?"
"The
poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
*****************************************************
Campaign
Promises We'd Like to Hear
14>
"Mandatory registration and waiting periods for those damned
scooter things."
13>
"Beer will be officially added to the USDA pyramid as the
most important food group."
12>
"I *will* have sexual relations with that woman,
Miss Zeta-Jones. On network
TV. With no commercials."
11>
"I'll eliminate government red tape so that McDonald's can
be free to sell Shamrock Shakes the whole year-round."
10>
"A chicken in every pot. Ok,
screw the chicken -- just
the pot. Loads and loads of
pot."
9>
"And if electered President, I promise to learned to speach
more betterer."
8>
"Forget Microsoft -- I'll get the Justice Department to
break up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt."
7>
"Funds will be allocated to make the Statue of Liberty
look much more like Rosie Perez."
6>
"I'm going to take the social security surplus out of the lock
box, and put it into a Ziploc bag -- not an ordinary one, but
one of those where blue and yellow make green.
That way I
know it's safe."
5>
"Under my administration, State of the Union addresses will
only last five minutes and will be communicated using
interpretive dance techniques."
4>
"If victorious in November, I will after 30 years of seeking
higher and higher public office have finally erased the
serious self-esteem issues which drew me to a career in
government in the first place."
3>
"Gore daughters for everyone!"
2>
"I intend to dissolve the Presidency and turn control of
the government over to a team of Animatronic chimps."
1>
"I'll make this speech short."
*****************************************************
1.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice
hustle,
you'll getem next time" would pretty much do it.
2.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap
years.
4.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking.
Mother's Day too.
5.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would
be
celebrated every month.
6.
Garbage would take itself out.
7.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.
8.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday
Night
Football
from a Different Camera Angle".
9.
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with
would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you
were
going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place.
Cop:
"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it
the following day with a full tank of gas.
18.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said "You're
#1!".
19.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear
in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response
to "I love you".
21.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable
excuse
for tardiness.
23.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of
your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car
like Fred Flintstone.
24.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness"
ordinance.
25.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
After
a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that
her
husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said.
"I'll
do the next one."
The
next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes
as
he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next
baby."
*****************************************************Estrogen
Issues
10
WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
*****************************************************
A
man left for work one Friday afternoon. But,
being payday,
instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying
with
the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When
he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted
by
a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a
tirade
befitting his actions.
Finally
his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How
would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?"
To
which he replied. "That would
be fine with me."
Monday
went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday
came
and went with the same results. Come
Thursday, the swelling
went
down just enough where he could see her a little out of the
corner
of his left eye.
*****************************************************
An
Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me ahrse.
I'd loik ya ta
teyhk
a look, if ya woot".
So
the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he
says,
"there is a $20 note lodged up here"
Tentatively
he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note
appears.
"This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor.
"What do you want me to
do?."
"Well
fur gadness sake teyhk it out man," shrieks the patient.
The
doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another
etc... Finally the last note comes
out and no more appear.
"Ah
Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The
Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990
exactly."
"Ah,
dat'd be roit amount. I knew I
wasn't feeling two grand."
******************************************************************
For
a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to
fulfill
a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He
hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men
were
caught in a snow slide.
Three
hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg
of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!"
shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah,"
said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's
bringin' it!"