Joke Text 2

Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....

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First Jewish President

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Purim .

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."

"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."

"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport...And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..."

"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come... just for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends.

"What's new?" the friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Purim. "

"The doctor?"

"No... the other one."

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Anagram Hall of Fame
Attributions for anagrams (if known) are shown at the end of each anagram.

Internet Anagram Server = Isn't re-arrangement rave?

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Schoolmaster = The classroom

Elvis = Lives

Listen = Silent

Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

A Telephone Girl = Repeating "Hello"

Western Union = No Wire Unsent

The Country Side = No City Dust Here

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars

The Cockroach = Cook, Catch Her

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em

Conversation = Voices Rant On

Disraeli = I lead, Sir.

Clothespins = So Let's Pinch

The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel = Giant Work in Street, Partly Underneath

Florence Nightingale = Nigel, Fetch an Iron Leg / Flit on Cheering Angel
(Richard Stilgoe in "The Richard Stilgoe Letters")

MacDonalds = Clam and Sod

Darling I love you = leaving your idol / Avoiding our yell

Butterfly = Flutter-by

Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Funeral = Real Fun

A Domesticated Animal = Docile, as a Man Tamed it

The Railroad Train = Hi! I Rattle and Roar

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss = Stroller on Go, Amasses Nothing

Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade

The Check is in the Mail = Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)"

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

Software = Swear Oft

Silicon Graphics = A Long Chip Crisis / Can logic ship, sir? / Gosh, sir, I can clip!

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
(Dick Cavett)

The Detectives = Detect Thieves

The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man

Semolina = Is No Meal

The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom

Christmas tree = Search, Set, Trim

A Gentleman = Elegant Man

Presbyterian = Best In Prayer

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Salman Rushdie = Read, Shun Islam

Martin Scorsese = Screen is a storm
(the director of movies "Taxi Driver," "Mean Streets," "GoodFellas," "Cape Fear," and "Age of Innocence.")

Barbie doll = I'll bare bod / Babe I'd roll / Liberal bod

Student Information Processing Board = Computation Transgression Forbidden
(MIT)

Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Patrick Stewart = A Crap Trek Twist

Mel Gibson = Bong Smile

Admirer = Married

Indomitableness = Endless ambition

New York Times = Monkeys Write / Monkey Writes
(Andrew Glines)

David Letterman = Nerd Amid Late TV

Howard Stern = Retard Shown

Contradiction = Accord not in it
(E. Tyron)

Debit card = Bad Credit

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Another Bar Joke - (really badddddddddd.)

A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!"

When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?"

"It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"

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Another Blond Joke

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy
her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He
shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's
her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

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College Freshman

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming freshmen.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday
1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and bottles, plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: Where's the beef?, Id walked a mile for a Camel, or de plane, de plane.
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies.

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AS THEY GET OLD...
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

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Bar joke

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar.

A bloke goes up to the women and says " I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it--please let me"

The lady turns round and says "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend came out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here??!!!"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

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Bus Stop

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto
a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a
quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read,
"Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the
fiddle, But it did have her age correct. About that time, an
old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if
she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she
started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural
talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually
known something about her that she didn't.

She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine
again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out
comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135
lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be
absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to
the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she
develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all
of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal
of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again
was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff
about her that she didn't know.

She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a
card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you
are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had
been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been
sexless for almost a year. She is sitting there waiting for the
bus, when this attractive young man sits down and
immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted. The
chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were
right for each other and that they were soul mates. They
held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to
kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love.

The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine,
that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the
machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that
read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled,
You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've
missed your bus!"

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Charity

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the
minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this
district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and
the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into
the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which
amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you
are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
"I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

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These are GREAT Daffynitions....

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = not-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon

1000000 aches = 1 megahertz

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 banananosecond

1/2 bath = 1 demijohn

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
step", the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee

Useful Metric Conversions:
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

500 millionaries = 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

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RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy...
I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ....
"Come on over, there's nobody home," I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets
I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work .....
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ....
"Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ....
put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breastfed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the
picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......
But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost.... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
"He said... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in
the mirror.. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

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Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable
near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him
naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS
this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you
leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,
growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all
"mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw
his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty
clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the
mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male"
friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you
away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you
when speaking to others as "She."

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Daughters' Dates

When he was president of the US, Lyndon Johnson (LBJ) would, on occasion, personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one such time, he is said to have called TBS (The Basic School) at Marine Corps Base, Quantico, VA and the conversation went like this:
TBS: "Good afternoon, this is The Basic School."
LBJ: "This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send out two lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters."
TBS: "Yes sir, Mr. President. Is that all?"
LBJ: "I want them in their dress uniforms, tall, and good looking."
TBS: "Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good-looking lieutenants,
dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is there anything else?"
LBJ: "Yeah, don't send any damn Mexicans!"
TBS: "No sir, Mr. President, no damn Mexicans. Will there be anything else?"
LBJ: "No, that's all."
Saturday evening came, and two tall, good-looking black Marine lieutenants showed up at the White House, resplendent in their dress uniforms. They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs. Johnson and introduced themselves as being there as escorts for her daughters. She stammered, "B-b-but there must be some mistake!"
To which one lieutenant replied, "I don't believe that's possible,
Ma'am. Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes."

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Dave and Mabel

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.

One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the
sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the
business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this
idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to
put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure
like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR
cow."

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Devices

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the
Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

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Do you remember......

How much do yo remember, and how far back do you go?
This is for all you boomers out there....

1. "Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."

2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was
"Turn on; tune in; ____________."

3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off
into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who
was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would
answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What
did he leave behind?

4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and
roll. One of the most memorable folk songs included
these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of
dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're
the reason I'm travelling on,
___________________________________."

5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic
convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status,
and were known as the ________________.

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early
1964, we all watched them on the ________________show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our __________.

8. We all learned to read using the same books. We
read about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick
and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?

9. The cute, little car with the engine in the back
and the trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was
called the VW. What other name(s) did it go by?

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang
names the _______________ and the ________________.

11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out
nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties,
they were known as ________________.

12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always
seemed to get the short end of the stick in the
television program, "The Life of Riley." At the end
of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera
and exclaim, "What a ___________."

13. "Get your kicks, ________________."

14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed _______________________."

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his
martinis a special way: ________________.

16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
________________."

17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that
contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was called
________________.

18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk
around with a calculator strapped to their belt. But
back in the sixties, members of the math club used a
__________.

19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about "the
day the music died." This was a reference and tribute
to ________________.

20. A well-known television commercial featured a
driver who was miraculously lifted through thin air
and into the front seat of a convertible. The matching
slogan was "Let Hertz ____________."

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the
watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as
low as we could go in a dance called the
________________.

22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best...
_________."

23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of
Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim"
look, as first exemplified by British model
________________.

24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our
parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ________________.

25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties,
one of the most popular segments was "Joe, the
Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that
slightly off-center, but lovable character,
________________.
(The character's name, not the actor's.)

26. We can remember the first satellite placed into
orbit. The Russians did it; it was called
________________.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?

28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and
sixties was a large plastic ring that we twirled
around our waist; it was called the ________________.

29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the
mainstream in the Broadway musical ________________.

30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character
(not the hayseed; the hobo) was ________________. Red
ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and
________________."

The Answers:

1. "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb." If you said
"ears," you're in the wrong millennium; you've spent
way too much time in Latin class.

2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was
"Turn on; tune in; drop out." Many people who
proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street
bond traders and corporate lawyers.

3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no;
even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen
as the Lone Ranger without his mask!

4. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look
out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason
I'm travelling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."

5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic
convention in Chicago in 1968 were known as the
Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would like
me to mention their names."

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early
1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our draft cards. If you said "bras," you've
got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra
while I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a
by-product of women's liberation movement, which had
nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.

8. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run."
Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have
been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has
Two Mommies."

9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the
Bug.

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang
names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

11. In the early sixties, the drop-out,
non-conformists were known as beatniks. Maynard G.
Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no
rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.

12. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would
turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a revolting
development this is."

13. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."

14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed to protect the innocent."

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his
martinis a special way: shaken, not stirred.

16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps
tonight."

17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called
Tropic of Cancer. Today, it would hardly rate a PG-13
rating.

18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used
a slide rule.

19. "The day the music died" was a reference and
tribute to Buddy Holly.

20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the
driver seat."

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the
watusi, we "danced" under a stick in a dance called
the Limbo.

22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very
best.........chooooo-c'late." In the television
commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog.
(Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)

23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave
way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by
British model Twiggy.

24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player
with us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy
Googenhiem.

26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit;
it was called Sputnik.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex
watch.

28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our
waist was called the hula-hoop.

29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the
mainstream in the Broadway musical Hair.

30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the
Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.")
Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night,
and may God bless."

_______________________________________________

Doggie Definitions

LEASH:
======
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:
========
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in
the living room.

DROOL:
======
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and
look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet,
on their laps.

SNIFF:
======
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end
and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person
makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN:
=============
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and
try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right
you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones
to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:
==========
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind
a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:
=========
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:
=========
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary
to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:
============
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS:
=====
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:
=====
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP:
=====
The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:
==========
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE:
======
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag
your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

_______________________________________________

Family History

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

_______________________________________________

16 Things That Took Me Too Long to Learn

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Savings Time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

_______________________________________________

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college
roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

24. You're reading this

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

_______________________________________________

Fun Facts

Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test Telex/Two communications)

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable.'

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to
the top and sinking to the bottom.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

_______________________________________________

Get Rich Quick

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to
love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and
wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the
half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited
for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he
emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a
twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a
pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't
stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning
rubber!"

_______________________________________________

Impotent

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

_______________________________________________

Just like Vince

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Vince."

"Who?"

"Vince Sabio. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Vince every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He
could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Vince."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

_______________________________________________

Ladies Night Out

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies
Night Club."

One of the other girls wanted to impress the rest of
us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male "dancer" came over to us, my friend
licked the $10 and stuck it to his butt cheek....
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20
bill.

She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and
put stuck it to his other butt cheek.... In another
attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend
pulled out a $50 bill.

She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill, and
again stuck it to one of his butt cheeks.... Now the
attention was focused on me.

What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet,
thought for a minute, and then the financial analyst
in me took over.

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his
butt, grabbed the $80 bucks, and went home....

_______________________________________________

Lewinski Limericks

: Entry #1:
: There once was a gal named Lewinsky
: Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
: 'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
: On this flute made of beef
: That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

: Entry #2:
: Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
: We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
: Since you look such a mess,
: Use the hem of your dress
: And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

: Entry #3:
: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
: What Kaczynski must surely have known:
: That an intern is better
: Than a bomb in a letter
: Given the choice of how to be blown

_______________________________________________

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny,
have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother
and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her
hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here
Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

_______________________________________________

Melons

During an international gynecology conference, an English
doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases
they had treated recently.

"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see
me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been
that big My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if
it were."

"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the
Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"

_______________________________________________

Migraines

A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps
with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest
water I can stand, especially around the forehead. Then I take
her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, we have
sex. Almost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come
back in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"It worked!" he exclaims. "I’ve had migraines for years, and no
one’s ever helped me before!"

"Glad to help," says the doctor.

"By the way," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."

_______________________________________________

moral question

Often, it is good practice to imagine a moral question, an
imaginary situation, decide what you would do in that
situation, and discuss the ramifications of the question and
your actions with good friends.

With your indulgence, I'd like to pose just such a
hypothetical situation, and get some reactions.

The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge
flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water
supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.

Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a
news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant
scenes.

If you were to stumble across Bill Clinton struggling keep
from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice
of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph
of the death of a President:

What shutter speed would you use?

_______________________________________________

Movies

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his
rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to
purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't
help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn
was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

_______________________________________________

New Life
There was an old married Jewish couple, and they were bored with
their sex life.

One day, the husband said that he was going to go downtown and
check out the peep show's to get some ideas. His wife agreed,
saying that she was willing to try anything new.

When the husband returned, she asked "Well, did you learn anything?"

He replied "Well, they do the same things we do, the just moan a lot."

She said that she would try moaning in bed too.

That evening, while having sex, the wife asked "Can I moan now?"

He said "No, not yet."

A little while later, she asked again "Can I moan now?"

Again the husband said "No, not just yet."

Finally, she asked again "Can I moan now?"

He said "YES! Yes! You can moan NOW!"

The wife: "Well, I went to the store today and they did not have
what I wanted. Oy! I hate when that happens!"

_______________________________________________

New Position

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That's a good idea. YOU stand by the ironing board or the
kitchen sink and I'll lay on the sofa, hold the TV remote
and fart.

_______________________________________________

OLD AND NEW CONCERNS FOR BABY BOOMERS

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock
ow: Acid reflux

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing a pot, or you're going to pot

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's hot

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

NOSTALGIA JUST ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE!!

_______________________________________________

Old Man's Physical

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical.
He wife tags along. The doctor comes into the examination room and says, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man being hard of hearing yells to his wife, "What did he say?" "What's he need, what does he want?"
His wife yells back, " He said he needs your underwear."

_______________________________________________

out loud at work

Things you wish you could say out loud at work, but probably shouldn't:

1. Ahhh....I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a fuckin word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

_______________________________________________
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

_______________________________________________

Recently discovered Scroll

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the
cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures,
believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When
deciphered, it read:

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are
fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and
events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are
dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals
familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark
are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In
no way should this be construed as a sign that there is,
beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such
a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held
responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry,
humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow
the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone
sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author
start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep."

_______________________________________________

Redneck Never Says...

Top 40 things you would never hear a redneck say not ever, no matter how much they've had to drink. No matter how far from the South they've wandered. Not never. Not nohow.

40. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup. It's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

_______________________________________________

The Seven Dwarves to to visit the Pope. As the Pope is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,

"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

_______________________________________________

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT....

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put
Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she
moved.

It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.

She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate"

She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.

When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said
Airport Left, she turned around and went home.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

She sold her car so she would have gas money.

She looked into a box of Cheerio's and said, "OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!"

She had to leave her job at the pharmacy because she can't fit the bottle
in the typewriter.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.

What's the definition of "eternity?" 4 blondes at a 4-way stop

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front."

_______________________________________________

Sherlock Holmes
---------------
A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,
creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle
evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in
Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and
asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen
him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you
being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where
people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin
color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your
clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those
pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a
real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock
Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

_______________________________________________

Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
=======================
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong. ======================
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

======================
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

======================
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
======================= Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo" ==========================
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
=====================

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
=====================
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage, along with a recipe. =====================
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
======================

What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

======================
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."
======================
Do you know why there were only 49 contestants in the
Miss EBONICS USA beauty pageant?
Because no one wanted to wear the sash that said "IDAHO"

_________________________________________________

Sons

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them
for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered
none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the
meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this.
Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all
bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

_________________________________________________

SOUTHERN QUOTES
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

_________________________________________________

Steering wheel

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

_________________________________________________

Stop That

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one
night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure
everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get
the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly
just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing
everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands
"Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is
it headed?"

_________________________________________________

Suggestion Box
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone
had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it.
Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a
card to fill out.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have
raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal
secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and
longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each
year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day
and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things
changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your
begs in one ask-it."

________________________________________________

Teenage Daughters

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking
about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle
of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she
drank!"

With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing
to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really
shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

_________________________________________________

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based-Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!
=======================================================

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas

_________________________________________________

Thoughts about exercise
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

_________________________________________________

Three Labs at the Vet

Three Labrador Retrievers are sitting in the waiting room at the
vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The first lab turns to the second and says,"So why are you here?"
He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the
drapes,the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The first lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the second lab.
"All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

He then turns to the third lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The third lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up
the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the first lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected third lab said.

The second lab then turns to the first lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper", the first lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The two labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac
for you too, huh?" The first lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails
clipped."

_________________________________________________

Too Loud
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

_________________________________________________

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.
All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounder like his partner screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was.

His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said,"You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

_________________________________________________

Two Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the
first one.

"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could
eat no More.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said
the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said
the second.

"O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he
thought...

"I love baskin' robins."

_________________________________________________

Vocal Puzzles
-------------
Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster
and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.

Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
These are so much fun! Make sure not to cheat!!! : )

1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (~a person~)
2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (~a fictional character~)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (~a person~)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (~a book~)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (~a person~)
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (~a product~)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (~a thing~)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (~a phrase~)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (~a old TV show~)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (~a person~)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (~a person~)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (~a place~)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (~a fictional character~)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (~a movie~)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (~a fictional character~)

Page down for the answers....

Answers To "Vocal Puzzles"
1. Jacques Cousteau
2. Santa Claus
3. Michael Jordan
4. Moby Dick
5. Thomas Jefferson
6. Chiquita Banana
7. The Titanic
8. I love you
9. The Brady Bunch
10. Christopher Columbus
11. Doctor Seuss
12. The Milky Way Galaxy
13. Agent 007
14. The Sound of Music
15. Bugs Bunny

_________________________________________________

You Might Be From A Small Town If.........

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.

2. You know what 4-H is.

3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle = of a dirt road.

4. You used to cruise the square.

5. Your summer swimming was often done in a pond or a gravel pit.

6. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden.

7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

8. School gets canceled for state sporting events.

9. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

10. You had senior skip day.

11. You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

12. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

13. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.

14. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.

15. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

16. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feedstore.

17. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

18. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

19. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.

20. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.

21. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Walmart.

22. Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.

23. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull = over and ask if you need a ride.

24. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.

25. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

26. You can charge at all the local stores.

27. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

28. You can drive golf carts, 4 wheelers, and go carts in town.

29. When someone gets pulled over the whole town drives by at = least twice.

30. Everyone else hears it on their scanners.

31. You never waited long at stop lights, but regularly waited 15 minutes at the railroad crossings.

32. Almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your school.

33. Your only newspaper was a weekly.

34. It doesn't take much to amuse you.