Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
THE
LIGHTER SIDE OF THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
JIM
LEHRER: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President
Al
Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules:
I
will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed
remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
The
opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten
senior
citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I
will
whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics
for
three more minutes.
Let's
start with the vice president.
Mr.
Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us
his
or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
GORE:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
way
we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden
have a clear choice in this election.
My
opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on
the
other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so
they
can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs.
Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay
for
gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for
me.
Also, her poodle has arthritis.
LEHRER:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
BUSH:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with
them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want
to
empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
opponent,
whose mother is not Barbara Bush....
From:
Linda Levy/Steve King [kinglevy@cruzio.com]
Sent:
Monday, October 23, 2000 9:01 AM
To:
kinglevy
Subject:
The Farting Game
An
old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After
laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and
says,
"Seven points."
His
wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
"Touchdown.
I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A
few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown,
tie
score."
After
about ten minutes the old man farts again and says,
"Touchdown
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now
starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and
says
"Touchdown, tie score."
The
old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no
avail.
He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he
gives
it everything he has, trying for one more fart.
Straining
real hard, the old man craps in the bed.
The
wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
*****************************************************
WHY
TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10)
You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9)
If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8)
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7)
You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6)
It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because
you are.
5)
Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4)
If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3)
It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2)
Less guilt the morning after.
And
the number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is...
1)
YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
*****************************************************
Celebrity
Answering Machine Greetings
15>
Billy Bob Thornton -- "Hey, would *you* answer your phone
if you were married to Angelina Jolie?
Leave a message --
I'll get back to you as soon as she dumps me."
14>
Bill Gates -- "You pathetic sheep, I have given you MUCH
better technology to use than this!
Oh, just leave a
friggin' message."
13>
Bobby Knight -- "Oh nice going, Einstein.
Wait till I'm out
and THEN you call! Leave
your number, if you can remember
the damn thing, and I'll cuss you out and slap you around
later."
12>
Farrah Fawcett -- "Hello? Hello?
Is that you, Letterman?
Oh, I... aaaahhhh... spiders! Spiders!
Get them off me!!
Get them[BEEP]"
11>
William Shatner -- "If you wish to give me money, please
indicate how much and I'll phone in my performance as soon
as I can."
10>
Dwight Gooden -- "I'm high and outside again, but I'll call
you back when the bases are as loaded as I am."
9>
Howard Stern -- "If you are a porn star, push 1.
If you
are a substance abuser and suffer from gross physical
deformities, push 2. If you
are a exhibitionist lesbian,
push 3. If none of these
categories applies to you, hang
up and call Don Imus."
8>
Kevin Costner -- "According to People magazine, I'm not in
right now..."
7>
Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter -- "I've got me arm up
a buffalo's bum right now..."
6>
Dennis Miller -- "Not to get all Dick Nixon on you, Cha Cha,
but speak into the tape recorder and I promise not to sample
it into my Milli Vanilli act at the Copa, 'kay, babe?"
5>
Jim Morrison -- "Hi, I can't come to the phone because I've
been dead for thirty years. If
you're too stoned to care,
leave a message at the tone...."
4>
Dr. Erwin Schrodinger -- "Guten tag. My
cat and I may or
may not be in at the moment. Leave
a message when you hear
the isotope particle decay."
3>
Anna Nicole Smith -- "Leave your name, age and net worth at
the tone, and I'll get back to you in descending order."
2>
Prince Charles -- "I'm all ears."
1>
Jack Nicholson -- "You probably don't recognize my voice
because I'm doing my impression of Joe L. Hendrickson, an
office temp from Dover, Delaware. How
do you like *that*,
Joe? Not so damned *funny* when someone's pretending to
be *YOU* on their answering machine, is it?
IS IT?!?"
*****************************************************
Two
attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they
produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The
owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them,
"You
can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The
attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and
then
exchanged sandwiches.
*****************************************************
During
a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's
no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will
die a violent and
horrible
death this year."
Visibly
shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied
her voice, and asked
her
question.
"Will
I be acquitted?"
*****************************************************
Dr.
Blum was tired of the rat race at Metropolitan Hospital.
One
day over lunch he confided in a comrade: "Paul, Ruth and
I
are leaving soon, moving to Israel. I've already started
the
paperwork for a little mom and pop business there,
something
to keep us busy."
"Tell
me about it," prompted his friend.
"Nothing
fancy... just a little dairy products store in the
Holy
Land," Dr. Blum continued, "we're going to call it...
Cheeses
of Nazareth."
*****************************************************
Things
Heard at a Magic Convention
17>
"Hey, good-lookin', how about a little mutual
prestidigitation?"
16>
"Now watch closely, my dear, as I say the magic word...
Viagracadabra!"
15>
"One time I actually *did* make a rabbit disappear into
thin air -- but I was on crack at the time."
14>
"Wait a minute... you mean there's a *book* named
'David Copperfield'? Why
didn't somebody tell me years ago!?
Oh, man, do I feel dumb."
13>
"One time, at band camp, I made a flute disappear."
12>
"The first, second and third Mrs. Gingriches really swear
by that eye of Newt thing!"
11>
"He *must* be one of us. He
made the entire dessert cart
disappear."
10>
"And the award for best escape artist award goes to...
The Great Clintoni and his lovely assistant, Ms. Reno!"
9>
"Will the owner of a green Lincoln Navigator please come to
the information desk? Your
vehicle has turned into a frog."
8>
"Nothing up his sleeve. For
that matter, there's nothing in
his pants, either."
7>
"Thanks, Governor, but we've seen your 'vanishing history
of drug abuse' trick already."
6>
"Who was that woman I sawed you with last night?"
5>
"I told you to hire *Penn* for $100,000 to do the keynote
speech, NOT Teller!"
4>
"I'm here for the David Copperfield Supermodel Hypnosis
seminar."
3>
"The 'Magnificent' Mancini, my ass. Let
me tell you, his
hand ain't the ONLY thing quicker than the eye."
2>
"Okay, Mandrake, that's $20 for straight-up, $30 for around
the world, and an extra $50 if you wanna saw me in half."
1>
"For my next trick, I will make the pain, bitterness and
humiliation of a failed career in show business disappear,
using only this fifth of vodka."
*****************************************************
Some
oldies, goodies, and newbies......
I
still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
Senior
Citizen: Give Me My Darn Discount
Veni,
Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
Coffee,
Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal
Arts Major..Will Think for Food
Gravity...It's
Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If
You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
In
Dog Years, I'm Dead
Love
May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If
at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
Get
a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll be a Great Trade
Wanted:
Meaningful Overnight Relationship
I'm
going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
Old
Age comes at a Bad Time
Some
people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I
used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're
just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Hard
work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality
is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
As
long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang
up and drive.
I
took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I
don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep
honking while I reload.
If
we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop
repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
*****************************************************
English
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Je T'aime
German
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama,
Arkansas, Oklahoma,
South
Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee,
Texas,
Mississippi, West Virginia,
and
Kentucky. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Tits
*****************************************************
10.
Sag! You're it!
9.
Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
8.
20 questions shouted in your good ear.
7.
Kick the bucket.
6.
Red Rover Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
5.
Doc doc goose.
4.
Simon says something incoherent.
3.
Musical recliners.
2.
Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
AND
THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS...
1.
Hide and go pee
*****************************************************
Signs
Someone Exaggerates Their Political Accomplishments
12>
You're pretty sure your opponent isn't old enough to have
freed the slaves.
11>
Claims to be the governor of the "greatest state in the
union," but is actually the governor of Texas.
10>
Has more expertise in extra-marital affairs than foreign ones.
9>
In addition to claiming he invented the Internet, also says
that skanky intern totally hit on him first.
8>
You're pretty sure no one named "Darva" signed the
Constitution.
7>
He claims that the thick smog in Houston is an important,
edible source of vitamins and minerals.
6>
He's received the personal endorsement of Tommy Flanagan --
yeah, that's the ticket -- and Tommy's wife, Morgan Fairchild,
too!
5>
After an expose by CNN, he's backtracking a little on his
claim to have single-handedly conquered the slime-thralls
of Europa and driven their tentacled masters back to
Arcturas.
4>
Adds extra syllables to make accomplishments seem more
impressimitative.
3>
He claims he never touched alcohol during his entire term as
Australian Prime Minister.
2>
This many eyes haven't simultaneously rolled in disbelief
since Madonna released "Like a Virgin."
1>
"...and on the seventh day I rested."
*****************************************************
Take
this cute chocolate test to find out your true being
(hah!ha!ha!)...
If
you were buying candy and you had your choice of the
following,which
would you choose?
BABY
RUTH
3
MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND
JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK
BAR
GOOD
'n' PLENTY
ENERGY
BAR
CHOCOLATE
COATED RAISINS
OK
- NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE, THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS
ABOUT
YOU!!!
And
NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down.
So
think
carefully about what your choice will be!
BABY
RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You
love all warm fuzzy
items.
A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at
the
end of the day.
3
MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous,
love new ideas, are a
champion
of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare
up,
you whip out your sabre.
BUTTERFINGER
- Smooth articulate, you are an
excellent
after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and
chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS
- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous.
Everyone enjoys being
around
you. But you are a practical joker - others should
be
cautious
in shaking hands!
HERSHEY
- Romantic, warm, loving. You care
about other people
and
can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.
ALMOND
JOY - Sexy, always ready to give
and receive, very
energetic,
and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is
always
attracted to you.
CLARK
BAR - You like sports, whether baseball, football,
basketball,
or soccer. If you could, you would
like to
participate,
but enjoy watching sports. You
don't like to give
up
the remote control.
GOOD
'n' PLENTY - You are a very fun
loving person, who likes to
laugh.
You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you.
You
are a very warm hearted person.
ENERGY
BAR - Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a
plum.
CHOCOLATE
COATED RAISINS -You go to the bathroom often.
*****************************************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q:
Should I have a baby after 35?
A:
No, 35 children is enough.
Q:
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A:
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q:
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A:
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q:
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A:
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q:
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A:
Childbirth.
Q:
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A:
'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q:
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline
irrational.
A:
So what's your question?
Q:
What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A:
Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q:
How long is the average woman in labor?
A:
Whatever she says divided by two.
Q:
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure.
Is she right?
A:
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q:
When is the best time to get an epidural?
A:
Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q:
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A:
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q:
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A:
Yes, pregnancy.
Q:
Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A:
Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q:
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A:
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q:
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A:
When you see teeth marks.
Q:
Do I have to have a baby shower?
A:
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q:
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal
again?
A:
When the kids are in college.
*****************************************************
Little
Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench
across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy
isn't
good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make
you
fat."
Little
Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The
man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little
Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking
business!"
*****************************************************
60
above
Floridians
wear coats, gloves and wool hats.
Wisconsin
people sunbathe.
50
above
New
Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Wisconsin
people plant gardens.
40
above
Italian
cars won't start.
Wisconsin
people drive with the windows down.
32
above
Distilled
water freezes.
Lake
Wisconsin's water gets thicker.
20
above
Californians
shiver uncontrollably.
Wisconsin
people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15
above
New
York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Wisconsin
people throw on a sweatshirt.
0
-
Californians
fly away to Mexico.
Wisconsin
people lick the flagpole.
20
below
People
in Miami cease to exist.
Wisconsin
people get out their winter coats.
40
below
Hollywood
disintegrates.
Wisconsin's
Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60
below
Polar
bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Wisconsin's
Boy Scouts postpone "Winter
Survival" classes until it
gets
cold
enough.
80
below
Mt.
St. Helen's freezes.
Wisconsin
people rent some videos.
100
below
Santa
Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsin
people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297
below
Microbial
life survives on dairy products.
Wisconsin
cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460
below
ALL
atomic motion stops.
Wisconsin
people start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500
below
Hell
freezes over.
The
Milwaukee Brewers win the World Series
*****************************************************
Late
one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped
into
the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give
me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant,
the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a
United
States Congressman!"
"In
that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"