Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
A
jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the
movements
of his wife. The husband wants more than a written
report:
he wants movies of his wife's activities.
A
week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit
down
together and proceed to watch it.
Although
the quality is less than professional, the man sees
his
wife meeting another man! He sees
the two of them
laughing
in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an
outdoor
cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He
sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and
woman
with utter glee.
"I
just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The
detective says, "What's not to believe? It's right up there
on
the screen!"
The
husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so
much
fun!"
*****************************************************
One
day a boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between
a
pussy and a cunt?"
Dad
thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He took
his
son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping
nude.
"Son,"
he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is
a
pussy."
The
boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"
"No!"
replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt."
*****************************************************
15>
Box O' Grapes
14>
Chateau du Crack Chardonnay
13>
White Trashfindel
12>
Big Red Gulp
11>
Grape Expectations
10>
Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9>
Sam's Dog 20/20
8>
Chef Boyardeaux
7>
Trucker's Choice
6>
Blue Light Special Nun
5>
Chateau des Moines
4>
Mogen Darryl
3>
I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2>
World Championship Wriesling
1>
Nasti Spumanti
*****************************************************
An
Arab was walking through the Sahara desert desperate for
water,
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to
find water he walked towards the image, only to find a little
old
Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid
out on it.
The
Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The
man replied "I don't have any water, but you should buy a tie.
Here's
one that goes nicely with your robe."
The
Arab shouted, "Idiot! I don't want a tie, I need water!"
"OK,
don't buy a tie. I don't have any water, but to show you what
a
nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4
miles,
is a small restaurant. They'll give you all the water you want."
The
Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared.
Three
hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was
sitting
behind his card table.
The
Jewish man said: "I told you about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't
you
find it?"
The
Arab rasped "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie. . .
*****************************************************
A
squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi
border.
To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead
body
of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A
short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled
American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who
was
still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-
covered
head and asked him what had happened.
"Well,"
he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to
the
teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.
I
looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is
an
unprincipled, lying piece of trash!
"He
looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton
is
an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!
"We
were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit
us."
*****************************************************
An
Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6
inches
tall, in his shirt pocket. He says
to the barman, "I'd
like
a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness
for
me friend."
The
barman says, "Blimey, what've you got there, Paddy?
Is
it
a little Irish leprechaun?"
Paddy
answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked
out
of him."
*****************************************************
Signs
Your Debate is Not Going Well
15>
You're unable to find a weak point in your opponent's
"I'm Rubber, You're Glue" defense.
14>
So far, all 6 of your rebuttals have consisted solely of:
"Ummm... good point."
13>
The note your campaign manager just handed you is his letter
of resignation.
12>
You stubbed your toe on the podium, and now Tipper wants to
put warning labels on you.
11>
Every time you're about to make a devastating rebuttal, the
Vice-President distracts you by jingling those shiny, shiny
car keys of his.
10>
At the end, your wife French kisses your opponent.
9>
Your strategy of demanding that your opponent "talk to the
hand" doesn't work nearly as well as it did on Jerry Springer.
8>
You spot Dan Quayle and Admiral Stockdale pointing and
laughing from the third row.
7>
You spent so much time studying the issues that you forgot
to prepare for the evening gown competition.
6>
Question for your opponent: "What's your favorite color?"
Question for you: "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?"
5>
Your opponent keeps taunting: "Shut up and chug, wuss!"
4>
Don King informs you that your debate opponent has refused
to take a dive.
3>
Halfway through the event, your campaign manager walks onstage
and sticks a fork in you.
2>
The camera catches you flipping the teleprompter to "Buffy
the Vampire Slayer" during your opponent's rebuttal.
1>
Your plan to gain confidence by picturing the audience in
their underwear goes horribly awry when Strom Thurmond arrives.
*****************************************************
ELECTRONIC
DATA TRANSMISSION DISCLAIMER
This
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above
and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or
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for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
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or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
recipient,
any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
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(either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating
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faux pas. Unless the word
absquatulation has been used in its
correct
context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any
legal
or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
transmission
of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
borrowed
time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of
the
unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
revealed
by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice
from
Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around
yourself
and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your
pets.
*****************************************************
Your
Pet is an Alien from Space
17>
Carefully spoons "Tang" into the toilet before he drinks out
of it.
16>
Last month's bill had $135 worth of unexplained long distance
calls to David Duchovny's cell phone.
15>
The scratches in your sofa look suspiciously like crop circles.
14>
Most dogs: sit, stay, roll over. Your
dog: levitate, balance
checkbook, help Junior with calculus homework.
13>
"Polly wants a crollop of phylixinis... Polly wants an
Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator..."
12>
Always arranges his Kibble 'N' Bits in the shape of the
Andromeda Galaxy.
11>
Shares your intense hatred of all earthlings.
10>
Fido wakes you up every morning by bursting out through your
abdomen.
9>
When your son faked throwing a stick, Fido vaporized his
happy ass.
8>
Fluffy keeps urging you to vote for Pat Buchanan.
7>
Rover has an irresistible fascination with airborne plastic
replicas of flying saucers.
6>
Instead of sniffing the butts of other dogs, your pooch uses
mind-control to get you to do it and report back.
5>
As far as you know, Sigourney Weaver never fried anyone
*else's* cat with a flame-thrower.
4>
It can't be coincidence that your whenever your rottweiler
takes a dump, it's in the shape of Devil's Tower in Wyoming.
3>
You find pieces of the missing Mars landers buried in your
back yard.
2>
Not only catches the chuckwagon running across the kitchen
floor, but administers an anal probe to the driver.
1>
Constantly using the Vulcan leg hump to render the postman
unconscious.
*****************************************************
The
Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the
pleas
of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from
the
state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?"
asked
the
Governor gently.
"For
stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's
wife.
"Is
he a good husband?"
"No,"
she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when
he
gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and
really
not much good at all."
"It
sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said
the
Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well,"
she explained, "we're out of bread again."
*****************************************************
Bill Gates Penny-Pinching Tips
Forbes
magazine reported that Bill Gates' fortune has fallen from $85
billion
to $63 billion. Here are a few ideas to help Bill lower his monthly
budget...
Bill
Gates Penny-Pinching Tips
15>
Switch to *single* ply hundred dollar bill toilet paper.
14>
A dirty set of monogrammed China and Waterford Crystal can,
surprisingly, be re-used if cleaned with soap.
13>
Insist lawyers turn off Justice Department lights when
they leave.
12>
Swipe a few cents from the penny cup at every Starbucks in
Seattle.
11>
After getting hit in the face with a pie, ask for
a doggie bag.
10>
Make those $7 haircuts last an extra week or two.
9>
Only reboot the house twice a day.
8>
Setting up a batch of overseas companies: $25,000,000;
Liquidating and transferring all assets: $50,000,000;
Flipping Janet Reno the bird as you relocate to a third
world country: priceless.
7>
Cut back on helicopter runs to the store for milk.
6>
Fire the marching band that follows you around playing the
Star Wars Imperial March whenever you walk down the hall to
take a leak.
5>
Quit spending billions on Pokemon merchandise on Ebay.
4>
Nightly strolls through Microsoft headquarters to turn off
the monitors.
3>
Suspend construction of the Death Star for a few weeks.
2>
When hiring staff for your evil lair, remember that one angry
Bobby Knight is worth a hundred killer defense androids.
1>
From now on, just watch "Star Trek" on TV -- no more paying
Nimoy and Shatner to act out episodes in your living room.
**********************************************
The
other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for
in
a woman.
Naturally
I replied, "Big tits."
He
said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So
I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No,
no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend
the
rest of your life with?"
He
looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing
until
my gut hurt.
"Spend
the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
**********************************************
After
the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his
sons
Cain and Abel.
They
passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the
boys
asked, "What's that?"
Adam
replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of
house and home."
**********************************************
Ways
Anna Nicole Smith Will Spend Her $449 Million
A
federal judge Wednesday awarded former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith
$449
million in damages in her court case regarding her late husband's $1.6
billion
estate. Smith was 26 when she
married 89-year-old oil baron J.
Howard
Marshall, whom she met while working in a Houston topless bar.
Fourteen
months later, he was dead (go figure!). Smith says before Marshall
died,
he made a promise to leave her half of his estate.
So
now that she's got her millions, here's the speculation on how she's
going
to spend it.....
16>
Fund a new internet startup: geezergouger.com
15>
Purchase a fifteen second spot during the Super Bowl to say, "Hey,
America!
Who's the moron now?"
14>
Use 1.8 billion quarters to call someone who might care.
13>
Put it with the rest of her savings, for a grand total of $449,000,216!
12>
See a hypnotist to remove all memory of former colostomy bag duties.
11>
Just like any one else in her profession would... one vial of crack at a
time.
10>
Hire the top medical specialists in the world to discover the source of
that
nagging lower back pain.
9>
$448,995,500 for acting lessons, and one new pair of Pradas.
8>
New scaffolding for her Wonderbra.
7>
Get the money in small bills and hide $224.5 million under each breast.
6>
(1) Squeeze into a new tube top and slather on some makeup;
(2) Go see how Bob Hope is feeling.
5>
Upgrade from Big Beef Burritos to Big Beef Burritos Supreme.
4>
Buy some realistic sized breasts -- for every woman in the U.S.
3>
Hire a squadron of maids to get that "old man smell" out of the
bedroom.
2>
Prove that bastard Hawking wrong once and for all!
1>
Catch her breath, then go down on the judge again.
.