Actual Hollywood Movie Pitches

15> "She's a young girl possessed by the Prince of Darkness.  He's

     a bitter priest who's struggling to maintain his crumbling

     faith.  And they're on a collision course for wackiness!!!"

14> "An old guy with no sense of humor rides his lawn mower across

     several states to see his sick brother.  But wait, get this:

     it's a really *slow* lawn mower."

13> "An industrialist uses his position in corporate society to

     save attractive English-speaking Jews from unattractive

     English-speaking Nazis with German accents."

12> "A wealthy bachelor fights crime while wearing a skin-tight

     rubber suit.  He has a young male sidekick, also in a

     skin-tight rubber suit -- but they're just heterosexual

     friends."

11> "Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in love despite having nothing at

     all in common - AGAIN."

10> "A young Elizabethan playwright struggles against writer's

     block and poverty in an attempt to see Gwyneth Paltrow's

     breasts."

 9> "Let's just stick a naked Brando with some naked chick in an

     apartment in Paris and throw in some butter.  This one

     writes itself!"

 8> "Okay, this time Adam Sandler is a goofy but lovable loser..."

 7> "High school kid drives older woman home from party.  Older

     woman seduces boy.  Simon and Garfunkel play music for the

     rest of the movie."

 6> "Two cops with disparate personalities are thrown together,

     bicker, but eventually learn to like and trust each other.

     Family members are put in jeopardy and stuff explodes, but

     the cops survive, catch some of the bad guys, and eventually

     make a few dreadful sequels."

 5> "These scientists secretly clone the most powerful Pokemon

     of all, who schemes to take over the...  Okay, seriously

     -- does anyone here really GIVE a rat's ass about the

     friggin' plot?"

 4> "Marky Mark had a 13-inch penis.  Hijinks ensue."

 3> "A film director, like me, who was a teenage rock journalist,

     like I was, loses his virginity in a three-way at age 15,

     like the audience will think I did."

 2> "In Morocco, a nightclub owner dumps the wife of a Czech

     resistance leader in order to shack up with a local police

     captain."

 1> "Sylvester Stallone stars as a... Hey!  Where are you going?"

*****************************************************

N C O...Marine talk..Non Commissioned Officer

 AN OLD CLASSIC RIDES AGAIN........

 A Marine Major is walking down the street when he notices a little boy playing with a pile of shit. The Major stops and asks the boy why he is playing with the pile of shit. The boy replies,  "I'm making an NCO!"

 The Major begins laughing when  a Colonel approaches him and asks what is so funny. The Major points to the boy and starts laughing hysterically.

 The Colonel then asks the boy what he is doing, the boy replies,  "I'm making an NCO!"

 The Major and the Colonel are now laughing when a General approaches the two. They point to the boy and the General asks the boy what is he doing.

 The boy again replies, "I'm making an NCO!" All three officers are laughing when the Base Sergeant Major approaches and asks what is so funny.

 All three officers point to the boy laughing even harder than before when the Sergeant Major asks the boy what he was doing. Again the boy replies, "I'm making an NCO!"

 Now all three officers are laughing hysterically when the Sergeant Major asks the boy WHY is he making an  NCO.

 The boy replies, "because I don't have enough shit to make an Officer!"

*****************************************************

Advantages of Being the World's Fastest Human

14> You're able to satisfy the wife, stop by the fridge, and get

    back to the La-Z-Boy -- all between the huddle and the snap.

13> Always get the last slice of pizza -- sometimes before the

    first one.

12> You can compile a Top 15 list in the time it takes others

    to do a Top 5.

11> Nike kisses your ass almost as much as they kiss Tiger's.

10> Appearances on "C.O.P.S.": 12   Apprehensions: 0

 9> Can survive an extra .067 seconds before being mauled to

    death by a cheetah.

 8> Able to operate a 360-degree ring of PCs using a swivel chair.

    Result?  Six times more porn downloading than mere mortals

    can achieve!

 7> Any day now, you'll be fast enough to get that damn floating

    carrot.

 6> You're a good two blocks away before they can even say

    "afterglow."

 5> If the world's dogs ever turn against mankind, you can easily

    escape while they're tearing apart the World's Strongest

    Human, the World's Smartest Human, and Jack Hanna.

 4> You can read all of the clever subliminal messages in

    Republican campaign ads.

 3> Even at only $5 a pop, you still gross nearly $100,000 a week

    servicing your johns.

 2> Fifty-fifty chance of beating Darryl Strawberry to a line

    of coke.

 1> Able to run down to the store for a six-pack and back before

    anyone at the AA meeting knows you're gone.

*****************************************************

Virus Alert

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also

delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and

uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice

cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's

number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.  It will drink all your

beer.

(FOR PETE'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!)

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting

company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while

dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their

midnight rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is

only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive

tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the

interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will

leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer

plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,

it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.

*****************************************************

Olympic Euphemisms for Sex

16> Working Out With Pocket Hercules

15> Polishing the Love Javelin

14> Diving off the Half-Meter Headboard

13> Playing "Hide the Torch"

12> Curling (her toes)

11> Carrying the Flag for Team Coitus

10> The 2-Minute Freestyle Floor Exercise

 9> Passing the Meat Baton

 8> The 20-Centimeter 1x2 Medley

 7> Exploring the Land Down Under

 6> Competing in the Humptathlon

 5> Fencing with the Shorter Epee

 4> Synchronized Squirming

 3> Completing the Orifice Triathlon

 2> Earning a 10.0 from the Judge from Ejacuador

 1> The Purple-Chapeau Flag Bearer Leading His Delegation

    Into the Olympic Stadium

*****************************************************

Doctors

 An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take

a kidney out of one person, put it in

another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

 A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out

of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four

weeks."

 A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take

half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking

for work in two weeks."

 The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!" We are about to take an

asshole out of Texas, put him in the White

House, and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

*****************************************************

Things Overheard During Olympics Opening Weekend

15> "Hell, no, I didn't win these.  I bought 'em on E-Bay from

     some guy named Spitzer72."

14> "The Australian team has formed a large dingo on the field...

     and it's eating the New Zealand delegation!"

13> "Never date an Australian.  If you throw them out, they come

     right back to you."

12> "I'm sorry, Sir.  If I promise to never say 'throw another

     shrimp on the barbie' again, would you kindly remove your

     boomerang from my rectum?"

11> "You'd think Brandi Chastain would have at least waited

     until the torch was lit before ripping her shirt off."

10> "Hey, you with the mustache -- get out of the women's showers!

     Oh... sorry, Miss Ling."

 9> "I don't care if you are in the NBA, everyone pays for their

     marijuana in this country, mate."

 8> "Suzy, we don't have to synchronize everything.  Can't I

     just have 5 minutes in the bathroom by myself?"

 7> "Shields up, Mr. Sulu.  They've set fire to the outer hull!"

 6> "The tribe has spoken.  Please snuff out your Olympic flame

     and leave immediately."

 5> "CRIKEY!  This javelin being thrown at me is a REAL BEAUT!

     One false move and I'm impaled and done for!!"

 4> "I think somebody should tell the USA shooters that they

     only need to fire at each target *once*."

 3> "Hey -- who's the smartass throwing shrimp on the

     Olympic flame?"

 2> "I'm not sure it's wise to carry an open flame around 100,000

     Vegemite eaters."

 1> "No, ladies, we do *not* need any volunteers to help towel

     off the swimmer with the size 17 feet."

*****************************************************

Moral Issue

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed,

and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my

attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be

specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This

vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask

every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate

to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it

is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly

virgins to rise."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of

experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the

name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the

rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I

have asked for virgins to stand."

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really

expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?"

*****************************************************

Guiness

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of

drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll

give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of

Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even

leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the

Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them

all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',

where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if

I could do it first".

*****************************************************

Personal Ad:

SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual

psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency.

I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous

indignation.

I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The

Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits.

I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by

affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and

chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60.

You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of

entitlement and unrealistic expectations.  In time you will

become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need

you've ever had.

Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town

and but now want to take it slow with me.

My perfect night would include getting hammered in a shit-

hole bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an

embarrassing screaming match.

I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled

with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing

descent into booze and pills.

No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.

Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30

and rehash mother issues with women over 40.

Serious replies only, please.