TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY IN THE EARLY 2000s OFFICE

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing

why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who

is responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot

of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day

swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to

describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss

while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.

OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which

you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the

crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a

concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is

Bridget, my ... um, friend."

BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting

fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out

obsessively.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

DEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their

idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer

to the Couch Potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something

loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over

the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have

children and one of them stops working to stay home

with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two

Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that

ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being

stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been

rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn

away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get

a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three

serious students in the class; the rest were just

tourists."

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed

out, for losing it. Makes reference to the

unfortunate track record of postal employees who have

snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips =3D hardware, salsa =3D software.

i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the

problem's in your chips or your salsa."

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying

job people take in order to pay off their debts, one

that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that

are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop

watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica

Lewinsky, etc.

DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the

voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing

computer firm: "You have reached the number of a

deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main

number and ask the operator for assistance."

VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required

to reach all the appropriate keys for certain

commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II

computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control

key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Sometimes referred to as the THREE-FINGERED SALUTE.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed

out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to

split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all

anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to

absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss

*****************************************************

Little-Known Foreign Custom Faux Pas

15> In Kuwait, flipping the bird is actually an offer to pick

    someone's nose.

14> In Australia, bartenders take offense when customers leave

    their establishments while still able to walk under their

    own power.

13> Using ice cubes is not an acceptable way to cool off the

    nipples of female beach-goers in Rio de Janeiro.

12> Cubans think it's tacky to wear white while defecting after

    Labor Day.

11> In Iceland, having a pierced nose means that you are sexually

    aroused by small furry animals.

10> In Iran, it's considered blasphemous to go braless under your

    Salman Rushdie tank top.

 9> In France, after a good meal it is a sign of appreciation to

    surrender unconditionally to your hosts.

 8> When in Germany, try not to be from another country.

 7> Taking an Italian to the Olive Garden demonstrates bad taste.

    Hell, taking *anyone* to the Olive Garden demonstrates bad

    taste.

 6> In California, if you accuse a husband of murdering his wife,

    he is obligated to play golf for a year or two.

 5> It's considered impolite not to bow in the direction of

    Britney Spears before entering Boobland.

 4> In England, if a dog is humping your leg, kicking it away

    is considered impolite and insulting to the owner, and you

    should stand still and let him finish.  At least that's

    what they told ME.

 3> At a dinner party in Zaire, it is a serious breach of

    etiquette to pair a Pinot Noir with Pickled Monkey Groin.

 2> In Swahili, "Gezundheit" sounds exactly like a word meaning

    "Let me return your gift with my butt."

 1> Americans love to try to figure out foreign languages, so be

    sure to speak only your native tongue when visiting the U.S.

*****************************************************

Dinner with Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary had Al and Tipper over for dinner at the Whitehouse. In the

middle of dinner Al excused himself to use             the bathroom. After a

couple of minutes he came back.

They finished dinner and left. On the way home Al turned to Tipper and said,

"Did you know Bill has got a solid gold          urinal in his bathroom? How

can we tell the American people we are serious about cutting the budget when

the President has

a solid gold urinal?"

Tipper said, "There must be some mistake, I'll call Hillary when we get home

and find out." She calls Hillary and says,            "Is it true that Bill

has a solid gold urinal in his bathroom?"

Hillary puts her hand over the receiver and says, "Bill, I just found out

who peed in your saxophone!

*****************************************************

Who we are

WHO READS THE NEWSPAPERS

 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

 2.The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

 3.The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the

country.

 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but

don't understand the Washington Post.

 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the

country, if they could spare the time.

 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the

country.

 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's

running the country.

 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who are running the

country, as long as they do something scandalous.

 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a

country, or that anyone is running it.

 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

*****************************************************

Home Cooking

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his

parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen

cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and

said, "Mom, I have something to tell you...I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to

repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot

she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put

other men's penises in your mouth?"  The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom,

that's right."  His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly

whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't

you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

*****************************************************

More T-Shirts

Blessed Are They Who Can Laugh at Themselves, for They Shall Never Cease to

Be Amused

I Wish the Buck Stopped Here; I Could Use a Few

They Can Send Me to College But They Can't Make Me Think

Genealogy: Living in the Past Lane

This Body Is a Temple; Chocolate Worshipped Daily

Sex Is Like Air; It's Not Important Unless You Aren't Getting Any

The Problem With Opportunity Is That It Only Knocks, While Temptation Kicks

In the Door

I Got to Vietnam Before McDonald's Did

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

Mom and Dad Worked Hard So I Could Have a College Education; I'll Give Them

Free Fries for Life

Soooo, When's the Wizard Getting Back to You About That Brain?

Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps

I Haven't Lost My Mind; It's Backed Up on a Disk Somewhere

Hey, You! Out of the Gene Pool!

If You Can Read This, Pull Me Back in the Boat

Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair

Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

Star Light, Star Bright, Where the H%$# Is Mister Right?

I'd Quit This Job But I Need the Sleep

The Secret: Find an Age You Like and Stick to It!

I Have the Body of a God; Unfortunately, It's Buddha

I Miss My Ex, But My Aim Is Improving

I'm Your Father, Not an ATM

I Used Up All My Sick Days, So I'm Calling in Dead

If I Follow You Home Will You Keep Me?

Smile: It Makes People Wonder What You're Up To

Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix; Never Drink and Derive

(Over a picture of a dog) My Name Is 'No, No, Bad Dog!' What's Yours?

A Good Lawyer Knows the Law; a Great Lawyer Knows the Judge

Flashy But Trashy

Chlorine: The Breakfast of Champions

Four Years of College and Whom Did It Get Me?

Should I Talk to the Man in Charge or the Woman Who Knows What's Going On?

I Got This Shirt When I Turned 40; I HATE This Shirt

Ex-Wife for Sale; Just Take Over Payments

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

The Older the Fiddle, the Sweeter the Tune

Out of Estrogen and I've Got a Gun!

This Is the Only Shirt I Didn't Lose in Las Vegas

I'd Rather Be in the Boat With a Drink on the Rocks Than in the Drink

With the Boat on the Rocks

Women Who Seek to Be Equal to Men Lack Ambition

You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up

Dyslexics Have More Fnu

I'm Too Sexy for My Hair; That's Why It Isn't There

Of Course I Don't Look Busy; I Did It Right the First Time

Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups

*****************************************************

And more T-Shirts

These are allegedly items found on t-shirts.

"Filthy, Stinking Rich - Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at

This Time"

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - (seen on Cape Cod)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I

Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts-

Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything

I've Been Doing Since 15"

"If a woman's place is in the home,

WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.  It comes bundled with the software."

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP.  Park elsewhere!"

MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....

Cops have nothing to go on."

"If the shoe fits, buy it. --- Imelda Marcos"

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."

"HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken;  A lifetime commitment

for a pig."

"WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

"MOP AND GLOW -  Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

"NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning

medicine."

"Quoting one is plagiarism.

Quoting many is research."