Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
Subliminal
Messages in Presidential Campaign Ads
13>
George W. Bush ad: "If he
wins, he'll kiss Tipper again!"
12>
Al Gore ad: Photo of George W. Bush
followed by glimpse of
his mom in Spandex.
11>
Bush ad: "Gore worships
Satin."
10>
Gore ad: "For a good time,
call Monica at 1-800-GOT-CIGAR."
9>
Pat Buchanan ad: Ends with fuzzy
image of a toll-free number
and the phrase "Visit beautiful Berchtesgaden."
8>
Every Democratic and Republican spot: "Third
party?
You don't need no stinkin' third party!"
7>
Gore ad: "You are getting sleepy, very sleeeeepyyy..."
(Oops! That's just a
*regular* Gore/Lieberman ad.)
6>
Bush ad: "Pay no attention to the oil companies behind the
curtain."
5>
Gore ad: Those economic growth charts look suspiciously like
Monica Lewinsky's bustline.
4>
Ralph Nader ad: The words
"UNSAFE IN ANY OFFICE" superimposed
over shots of Bush and Gore.
3>
Bush ad: "Remember: Lieberman's ancestors killed Jesus."
2>
Gore ad: Photo of George W. Bush with the Coke logo on his
forehead.
1>
Both Democrats and Republicans: "This
space for rent --
call 1-800-SOF-MONY"
*****************************************************
An
American Airlines 757 was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it
reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome
to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead
is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax and. .
. OH MY GOD!"...
Silence followed...
Then after a few seconds, the Captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while
I
was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee
and
spilled it in my lap. He chuckled
and said, "You should see the front
of
my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled loudly, "That's nothing.
You should see the
back
of mine!"
*****************************************************
Judi
and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at
the
men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if
she
needs assistance.
"I'm
looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I
don't
know what type he uses."
The
clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No,"
says Judi, it's for his underarms."
************************************************
Advertising
Slogans for Australian Brothels
Evidently,
not everybody in Sydney is maintaining an Olympic pace these
days.
The legalized brothels there are doing a bang-up business, no pun
intended.
Madams have reported waits of up to two hours.
Advertising
Slogans for Australian Brothels
13>
Catch Olympic Fever -- And Hepatitis!
12>
The Best Down Under Down Under!
11>
Just Do Us
10>
Performance Enhancing Drugs Welcome
9>
The Most Fun You Can Have in the Bush!
8>
You're already halfway around the world -- let us finish
the job.
7>
Didgeri-Do Me!
6>
Ready for a REAL Floor Exercise?
5>
Don't worry about using protection -- dingos eat all
of our babies!
4>
Throw Another Barbie on Your shrimp!
3>
G'd Lay, Mate!
2>
Serious Yahoo!
1>
You've got the Joey. We've got the
pouches.
*****************************************************
The
redneck version of Survivor
You've
got to drive from Dallas, Texas to Atlanta, Georgia with
a
bumper sticker that says:
"I'm
Queer As A Three Dollar Bill and I'm Here To Take Your
Guns"
The
first one to make the trip alive is the winner.
*****************************************************
BUMPER
STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD
1.
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19.
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23.
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24.
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26.
Illiterate? Write For Help
27.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
28.
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37.
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
38.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39.
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40.
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also = Timed
For
70mph.
41.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals:
No Shirt, No Charge
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The
Hut?
43.
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44.
Ax Me About Ebonics
45.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46.
Boldly Going Nowhere
47.
Cat: The Other White Meat
48.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49.
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50.
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them = With Bullets.
54.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55.
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
*****************************************************
Famous
Quotes from Redneck Movies
16>
"Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first
and second cousin, your nephew..."
15>
"We'll always have Wal-Mart."
14>
"What does it feel like? Kind
of like sticking your fingers
in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."
13>
"You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
12>
"Houston, we have a 'possum."
11>
"You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"
10>
"I feel the need... the need for sheep."
9>
"Are you CRYING? There's no
crying in NASCAR!"
8>
"Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
7>
"I... see... Black people."
6>
"Use the horse, Luke!"
5>
"I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o'
Jack Daniel's."
4>
"Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
3>
"I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
only five? Well, hell if I know! You
KNOW I cain't count
no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
2>
"My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker --
you never know what you're gonna' get.'"
1>
"You want a tooth?! You can't
HANDLE a tooth!!"
*****************************************************
I'm
sure that you've heard about "Survivor 2", the next installment in the
"Survivor"
series, scheduled to take place in the Australian Outback.
But,
wait......... have you heard that
they already have "Survivor 3" in
the
planning stages?
Here's
what is known so far:
Hundreds
of engineers, technicians and administration people of various ages
and
backgrounds will be stranded for 50 years in Sunnyvale, CA.
The actual
location
will be at the Lockheed Martin Company, in Buildings 102, 104, 107,
156,
157, 158 & others. The
"contestants" will be locked into the buildings
most
of the time, with only short breaks permitting them to dart across the
heavily-trafficked
streets to a nearby buildings to watch ISO-9000
presentations,
Security Briefings, Team Building pep-talks, Skip Level
meetings,
etc.
While
in the confines of Buildings 102, 104, 107, 156, 157, 158 & others,
watch
them wrestle with dangerous vending machines for sugary and salty
snack
foods, battle neck and back pain at their antiquated workstations, and
drink
from filthy, germ-laden coffee pots. See
them stake out territories
in
the cubicle forest, building empires and alliances, and acquiring tables,
whiteboards,
and speakerphones. Don't miss the
excitement when they forage
for
leftover donuts, bagels, sodas, and cookies following the ceremonial
weekly
meetings with "The Customer".
Reward
Challenges will pit everone against one another, vying for the
coveted
"PIP" awards, complete with ritualistic plaques, framed certificates
and
tee shirts, but no money. Those
with the greatest physical endurance
and
stamina will go head to head for the sought after Award Fees.
You won't
want
to miss the Immunity Challenges which allow the contestants to stab one
another
in the back, with the hope of possibly moving up the corporate
ladder.
Only the most cunning contestants will achieve this level of
success
without the stigma that usually accompanies such loathsome behavior.
Each
year, one person will be voted out of the building. Other times, the
Layoff
God may terminate contestants in mass. In the end, however, one
engineer
will emerge victorious, rising to the level of "middle-manager".
In
recognition of this lackluster achievement, he/she will receive another
plaque.
But wait, that's not all. They
will also receive a big flat
square
cake, be subjected to gut-wrenching anecdotes and "humorous stories"
told
by their peers, and have their entire career summarized in 1 minute by
a
boss who reads from 3x5 cards.
You
can almost FEEL the excitement in the air!
Don't miss the all new
exciting
"Survivor 3", coming soon to CBS.
*****************************************************