Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
A
farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken
coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK,
old
fart, time to retire."
The
old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens.
Look
what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens
over
in the corner?"
The
young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The
old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you
around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire
chicken
coop."
The
young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so
just
to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The
old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster
takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and
the
young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the
old
rooster and gaining fast.
The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the
roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the
young
rooster to bits. "Damn!" he says, "That's the third
queer
rooster I bought this month."
*****************************************************
One
day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and
announced
that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and
said,
"Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The
little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of
their
clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way up high, and the mommy
kneels
on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the
daddy's
wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's
mouth,
and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get
a
baby."
The
mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to
eye
and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby.
That's
how you get jewelry."
*****************************************************
One
day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair,
he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so
glum?"
The
guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's
not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure,"
the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well
you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till
we
throw up and then we drink some more!"
The
guy is astounded.~ "Damn, that sounds great."
"You
a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You
better believe it!"
"You're
gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world
and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already
dead,
remember?"
"Wow,
the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The
demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why
yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays
you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into
drugs?"
The
guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean .
."
"That's
right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack,
or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs
you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow,
the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized
Hell was such a cool place!"
The
demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh,
you're gonna hate Fridays."
*****************************************************
Revelations
in the Beatles' New Tell-All Book
14>
Turns out you *can* buy me love, after all.
13>
More than once, Beach Boy Brian Wilson was caught dumpster
diving outside Abby Road.
12>
The walrus was *John* -- Paul was actually the
Thompson's Gazelle.
11>
Two out of three surviving Beatles report that Yoko isn't
all that good in the sack.
10>
Despite her seminal contributions and repeated requests
from the boys, the Queen Mum refused to accept co-writing
credit on "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?"
9>
Yoko Ono was actually a character played by Andy Kaufman.
8>
Seismic monitors indicate John still spinning from use of
"Revolution" in a Nike ad.
7>
Ringo's actually a highly-trained, sloppily-shaven chimpanzee.
6>
Riots once broke out in Wisconsin when John proclaimed that
the Beatles were more popular than cheese.
5>
Paul? STILL not dead!
4>
Owing to an unknown intern who left his hand-rolled cigarettes
behind on the mixing board, the band inadvertently recorded
one of the tracks for "Sergeant Pepper" while not stoned.
3>
The mysterious 5th Beatle: Coolio
2>
Yoko went ballistic in November 1968 after discovering John
was having an affair with an earthling.
1>
"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" was *not* about LSD.
"Norwegian Wood", on the other hand, was about John's
"personal fitness trainer," Olaf.
*****************************************************
This
couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out
into
town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his
new
wife, "Honey, I'll be right back . . ."
"Where
are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.
"I'm
going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The
wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then
she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him
25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The
husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he
can think of saying is, "Yes, loovie loovie... but the bar....
you
know... the frozen glass..."
He
didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She
takes
a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that the
she
was getting chills holding it.
The
husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but
at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvre that are really
delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You
want hors d'oeuvre poochi pooh?" She opens the oven
and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvre: chicken
wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But
sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the
dirty
words and all that..."
"You
want dirty words cutie pie? HERE,
DRINK YOUR
FUCKING
BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND
EAT
YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOU
AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!"
*****************************************************
Two
women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits
of cosmetic surgery.
The
first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm
getting
a boob job."
The
second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of
having
my asshole bleached!"
To
which the first replies, "Whoa I
just can't picture your
husband
as a blonde!"
*****************************************************
Why
are men like lawn mowers? If you're not pushing one around, then you're
riding
it.
How
is an ex-husband like an inflamed Appendix? It caused you a lot of pain,
and
after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What
do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't
fit
right in the crotch!
How
do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?!
How
can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your
finger
in between his neck and the noose.
How
do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail
folder
to "instruction manuals."
What
should you do if you find your husband staggering in the back yard?
Shoot
him again.
*****************************************************
20>
"Survivor Virus" -- Deletes your files one by one over 13
weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
19>
Dan Quayle Virus -- Destroys all the files stored on your
Etch-a-Sketch.
18>
Elian Virus -- You can't decide what to do with it, until
finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and
deletes it.
17>
Jiminy Cricket Virus -- Changes your Zip disk into a
Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.
16>
Jennifer Lopez Virus -- Adjusts screen so that you see a
lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.
15>
Microsoft Virus -- Renders your computer virtually useless.
Also known by the name "Windows 98."
14>
Al Gore Virus -- Claims that it *IS* the internet.
13>
Pat Buchanan Virus -- Splits otherwise healthy drive into two
meaningless parts. Don't
worry -- it affects less than 1% of
computers and isn't likely to spread at all.
12>
Tiger Woods Virus -- Beats the holy crap out of you in every
computer game you play.
11>
Wonderbra Virus -- Results in overflow stack.
10>
O.J. Virus -- Every time you try to search for a file, it
runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.
9>
Salvador Dali Virus -- Replaces motherboard with flaming
liquid fur which can only be removed by driving a large
carpenter's nail through the casing.
8>
Britney Spears Virus -- Your partitions mysteriously
quadruple in size overnight.
7>
Firestone Virus -- Leaves chunks of its code all over
the information highway.
6>
Kurt Cobain Virus -- Deletes itself before it has a chance
to do anything important.
5>
IHATEYOU Virus -- Emits shrill scream from speakers when
you refuse to buy the new computer game that "all the other
computers at school already have."
4>
John Rocker Virus -- Re-categorizes everything on your
computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.
3>
Kursk Virus -- Crashes your subroutines, then blocks calls
to the Help Desk.
2>
George W. Virus -- Causes your CPU to keep executing and
executing and executing....
1>
Boulder Police Virus -- Can't even *find* your computer.
*****************************************************
QUOTES
------
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I
didn't want him to."
- Rita Rudner
"I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after
Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from
Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem."
- Derek Edwards
"I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that
folds."
- Steven Wright
"President Clinton declared major parts of California disaster
areas: flooded coastal plains, mountainous mudslide areas, and
anywhere that Kevin Costner is filming."
- Jim Rosenberg
"I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must
endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom
stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also,
females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by
age seven they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud
inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue
to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s."
- Dave Barry
"Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,'
but not in those words."
- Woody Allen
"New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the
time, most of it unsolved."
- Johnny Carson
"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in
a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'"
- Steven Wright
****************************************************
Things
Texans Do to Beat the Heat
14>
Fill up your Stetson and invite the neighbors over for a
pool party.
13>
Strap on an ice blue Colt .45 and feel that cold steel
close to your skin.
12>
Let the dog drive the truck so you can stick your head
out the window.
11>
Urban kids open oil wells and play in the gushers.
10>
Hang out with George W. in the nice, cool shade of his
father's shadow.
9>
Simply turning Ross Perot toward Mexico reduces hot air
by 22%.
8>
Stand close to the Cowboys, catch the nice breeze from
their free-fall.
7>
Wipe your brow with a cool, moist Chihuahua.
6>
Still go to the local pro, college, high school, junior high,
elementary, and kindergarten football games, but maybe
skip the local pre-school game -- as long as it's still
only preseason and we're not playing those lil' bastards
from Bryan!
5>
Imagine Al Gore as president and get a chill down the spine.
4>
Head up to Dallas and stand in the shadow of a socialite's
hair.
3>
Stuff a nice cold Astro bat down your pants.
2>
Slip the guard a twenty and have them give you your lethal
injection with a "frosted" needle.
1>
Put a little snow up your nose -- then write it off as a
"youthful indiscretion."
*****************************************************
A
college football lineman married one of the team's
cheerleaders.
The
coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a
petite
woman? She's no bigger than your hand."
"That's
right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much
better!"
*****************************************************
As
I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point,
she
said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying
to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers
in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your
fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room
again.
When
I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I
said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy,
where's my booger?"
*****************************************************
Okay,
we've seen some of these before, but the comments are the best
part....
Have
a good one!
If
you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(
Hardly seems worth it )
If
you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months
enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(
Now that's more like it )
The
human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out
of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(
OMG! )
A
pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In
my next life I want to be a pig )
Banging
your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(
Still not over that pig thing. )
A
cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves
to death.
(
Creepy! )
The
male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to
it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(
"Honey, I'm home. What the....." )
Some
lions mate over 50 times a day.
(
I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity. )
Butterflies
taste their own feet.
(
Something I always wanted to know.
)
Elephants
are the only animal that cannot
jump.
(
OK, so that would be a good thing.... )
A
cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(
I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An
ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(
I know some people like that.)
Starfish
have no brains.
(
I know some people like that too. )
Polar
bears are left handed.
(
Who knew...? Who cares! )
Humans
and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(
What about the pig? )
*****************************************************
A
man is struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He
lies
dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers
around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A
policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man
of
God of any kind.
"A
PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the
crowd
steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years
of
age.
"Mr.
Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even
a
Catholic. But for fifty years now I've lived behind St. Mary's
Catholic
Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened
to
the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this
man."
The
policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where
the
dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and
says
in a solemn voice:
"B
- 4. I - 19.
N - 38. G - 54.
O - 72
*****************************************************
Jokes
Still bad and getting worse.....
On
the 3rd anniversary of her passing, David asks, "What
would
Princess Diana be doing right now if she was alive?"
"Banging
on the inside of her casket, of course."
(Yeah,
it's an oldie, but I like it . . . )
~~~~~~
In
fact, in honor of Di, let's do a few more Di jokes:
What
was the last thing she had to drink?
4
Wallbangers, 2 Slammers, followed by 6 chasers
The
difference between Di and Tiger Woods?
He's
got a better driver.
What'd
the Queen Mother give Fergie for her birthday?
A
black Mercedes and a trip to Paris.
What
did the Queen Mother say to O.J. Simpson?
*That's*
how it's done.
Did
you hear about the two movies they're going to make?
"Di
Hard". And "Live And Let
Di"
What
does DIANA stand for?
Died
In A Nasty Accident (or)
Died
In A Nice Automobile
Why'd
Elton John take his boyfriend to the funeral?
So
at least one old queen would be crying in public
Her
last words to the papparazzi?
"Leave
me alone! I'm a bloody princess!
You photographers
drive
me up a wall!"
How'd
the Royal Family prevent the papparazzi from visiting her grave?
They
put landmines around it.
The
difference between Di and Casper the Ghost?
Casper
can go through walls.
The
difference between her and a coffee filter?
One
gets tucked in a funnel . . .
Turns
out she was going so fast because she was late for
her
flying lesson with John Denver.
The
difference between a puppy and people who bitch about Princess Di jokes?
The
puppy eventually quits whining.