17 Simple Steps to Simulating Life in the Navy  (What?  There's life in the

Navy?)

1. Sleep on a shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine

a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack".

2. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "high".

3. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your

family vote on which movie to see, then show a different one.

4. (Optional for ex engineering types). Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for the proper noise level.

5. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

6. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the

wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him

when he curses you.

7. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. Optional: canned ravioli or cold soup.

8. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

9. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.

10. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

11. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

12. Have a florescent light installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

13. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit our head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

14. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car.

15. 'When makings cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking, Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

16. Every so often, throw your cat in the swimming pool, shout, "Man overboard, ship recovery", run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots, pans, and dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".

17. Wake up at 0-dark-30, line up in the driveway in light drizzle, have your mother-in-law criticize your clothes, and then read you the entire U.S. Constitution.

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Baaaaaddddd!

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. He quickly leaves.

The barkeep lisps, "What's wrong?"

The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there."

"What?"

The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM."

The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question. "The guy in the middle wouldn't have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?"

"I think he was. Why?"

"He's lucky at cards too."

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Bar hop

A divorcee in her early forties was sitting at a bar one night, when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the

young stud a drink.

One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither look, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. Show me what young black boys do best."

So he beat her up and stole her stereo.

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Firestone

 The Firestone Tire Company is in the midst of the largest recall of automobile tires in history, after the tread      began peeling off of some of their tires while in use.

15> Thought Ralph Nader was too busy being Mr. Thinks-He-Can-Be- President to notice.

14> Traditional wear-and-tear tests were replaced with "roll Beavis and Butthead down the hill" test.

13> "Those tires were designed to be inflated only with Cheez Whiz!"

12> "Years of working for Nike has softened up the third world labor force.  You just can't get nine-year-olds to listen these days, can you?"

11> Handwritten order misinterpreted as "tree swing" tires, not "driving" tires.

10> "Marketing told us that exploding tires were a HUGE hit in the key '9 to 13 year old male' demographic."

 9> "We shouldn't have gone with that cheap air from Taiwan.  Our bad."

 8> "It was a sincere but misguided effort to recreate for everyday commuters the fiery excitement of NASCAR crashes."

 7> "Look!  Over there!  OPEC is raising fuel prices again!!"

 6> "No, over THERE!!  Somebody just put something in that bottle of Tylenol!!!"

 5> "Okay, so we made some shoddy tires!  At least we're not selling heroin to school children like some blimp-driving bastards we know."

 4> That batch of tires were mistakenly "ribbed for her pleasure."

 3> "'Operation Philip Morris' was proceeding nicely, but we accidentally started killing customers before the lobbyists were in place."

 2> April 2, 1998:  Firestone's CEO cut off by a Ford Explorer on the way to work.

 1> Too busy developing new "fragile porcelain brakepads" to notice.

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Truckers

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights".

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!".

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up".

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!".

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

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Outside

Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually.  Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words:  some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go . . .

OUTSIDE.  Here's a guide:

1.  Wear Pants - Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire.

2.  Use Your Real Name - Sorry, but nobody will be impressed  f you go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or "SATAN666."  Names like "Steve" or "Greg" are just fine.

3.  The Telephone is Your Friend - Hear that ringing sound?  Pick up the phone.  Now speak into it.

4.  If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It.

5.  Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian Anderson.

6.  Do Not Flame People - Comparing everyone you disagree with to unclean primates will not win you friends.  In fact, you may get into a physical fight.  If so, the next tip may be of help.

7.  That Red Stuff is Called Blood - Not to be confused with ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive.  If you are leaking, the real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals.

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Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass

6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

5. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

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More "You May Be A Redneck If..."

  *  you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree

  *  you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter

  *  your property has been mistaken for a recycling center

  *  your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years

  *  you burn your yard rather than mow it

  * you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive

  *  the Salvation Army declines your mattress

  *  your entire family ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one

  *  you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it

  *  you have the local taxidermist on speed dial

  *  you come back from the dump with more than you took

  *  the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything

  *  you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table

  *  your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat

  *  your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list

  *  you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys

  *  you think a subdivision is part of a math problem

  *  you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap

  *  you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog

  *  your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell

  *  you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture

  *  you took a fishing pole to Sea World

  *  you go to the stock car races and don't need a program

  *  you know how many bales of hay your car will hold

  *  you've ever been kicked out of the KKK  for being a bigot

  *  you have a rag for a gas cap

  *  you've ever hit on somebody in a VD  clinic

  *  your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner

  *  your vet heard sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts

  *  your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does

  *  you wonder how service stations  keep their restrooms so clean

  *  you can spit without opening your mouth

  *  you consider your license plate personalized because your father made

it

  *  you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader

  *  your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand

  *  you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota

  And finally....

  * your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off

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Another stumbling drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I  thought I was a cripple."

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Differences in Campaigning with a Jewish Running Mate

14> The convention crowd waits to cheer your nomination until after you step

on a glass.

13> New campaign slogan: "Next year in Washington!"

12> Must work doubly hard to win the neo-Nazi vote.

11> "Hey, this way you know at least *one* of us isn't going to hell."

10> Two sets of dishes is a great way to double your take at those

$1000/plate dinners.

 9> The way he introduces your wife as the "future First Shiksa."

 8> During his campaign appearances he insists that there be a second podium

on stage for Elijah.

 7> War room staffers hard at work preparing to respond to any personal shmear campaigns.

 6> There goes $250,000 in campaign funds to buy a right-to-left TelePrompTer.

 5> Gefilte breath will even keep Sam Donaldson at bay.

 4> You can forget about pork-barrel politics.

 3> All of his aides keep shaking their heads and asking why he couldn't be

on a ticket with a nice doctor or lawyer instead.

 2> After a hard day on the trail, kickin' back with some Manischewitz shooters.

 1> Goodbye, Bubba -- Hello, Bubbeleh!

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Overlooked "Survivor" Survival Strategies

16> Hide Richard's swimsuit; wait for the others to puke to death.

15> Zealously guard your secret for fermenting coconut milk.

14> Join the Rat Tribe, lead an assault on the humans.

13> Step one: Plant lots of poppies.

12> Announce that if voted out, you immediately start humming "It's a Small World After All" or "Girl From Ipanema."

11> Secretly replace your Tribal Council torch with wacky self-relighting torch from novelty shop.

10> Legally change your name from Bob Smith to Zbiegniew Vladigmovski, then relax when it's time for everyone to write down their votes.

 9> Trade sexual favors to camera crew in exchange for their pizza crusts.

 8> 1) React with convincing dismay when waking up to find your rivals' decapitated corpses; 2) Spend the rest of your stay searching for the "real headhunters."

 7> Employ the tried-and-true "Fart and Point at Someone Else" strategy.

 6> Create dissension by encouraging one group to sing "...the professor and Mary Ann" and the other group to sing "...and the rest."

 5> One angst-filled glance to camera while pathetically nibbling on a rat filet = one care package from PETA.

 4> Gain popularity with the ladies by flaunting your nude fly-fishing technique.

 3> Slip Richard extra rat portions to fatten him up.  Around the others, begin referring to him as "the other white meat."

 2> Daily lattes from the island's newly-opened Starbucks.

 1> Begin nightly telling of your story about a group of people thrown together in the public spotlight and a bitter psycho loser who hunts them down and tortures them years later.

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