Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
A
Jewish man in Florida, in his 80s, calls
his son in New York and says. "I hate
to tell you, but we've got some troubles
here in the house. Your mother and
I can't stand each other anymore, and
we're getting a divorce. I've had it!
I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so
you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He
hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her
the news. The sister says, "I'll
handle this."
She
calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get
there! We'll be there Friday night." The
father agrees, "All right, all right already."
He
hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Passover.
Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?"
*****************************************************
A
man is sitting at home with his wife. He
says to her, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and
entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh
honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in
public!"
"But
sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"
"I
don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to
everybody."
So
he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him
in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
"Did
you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not
to?" she asks.
"Please
forgive me, sweetheart." he says.
"You
mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling
up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."
*****************************************************
Things
Overheard at the Republican National Convention
16>
"Gingrich... Gingrich... I'm sorry, sir, but you're not on
the list."
15>
"Very important, camera operators: only
shoot him from the
front. When his dad sticks
his hand up Junior's back, it
makes his suit wrinkle."
14>
"What are all these women doing here?
They act like they've
won the right to vote or something."
13>
"Man, this spotted owl is delicious. Compliments
to the chef!"
12>
"Governor Bush, it's time to put your Play-Doh away and speak
to the nice people in the auditorium."
11>
"Is that an oil company in your pocket or are you just glad
to see me?"
10>
"And now, the winner of the GOP Most Valuable Player of the
'90s Award... Linda Tripp!"
9>
"Someone get that drink away from McCain before he brings up
that 'campaign finance reform' crap again!"
8>
"Sorry, sonny, but this table is for grown-ups only--
Oh! I'm sorry, Mr. Lazio!"
7>
"Man, this is boring -- I'm heading over to Chuck E. Cheese's
for the Reform Party convention."
6>
"Well, at least when *our* guy asks for 'blow,' it doesn't involve an
intern."
5>
"Attention: We have another
lost parent! Will Mr. and Mrs.
Quayle please come to the Main Pavillion? Your
son is here."
4>
"Excuse me, but wasn't my registration packet supposed to
contain a wad of NRA money...?"
3>
"I thought they were waiters, too, but apparently they're a singing group
called 'The Temptations'."
2>
"Sure, I still believe in helping the poor, improving
education and eliminating tax breaks for the rich --
I just really, *really* hate James Carville."
1>
"Philadelphia is called 'The City of BROTHERLY Love'?!?
Did those Log Cabin guys have a hand in this?"
*****************************************************
An
Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time
and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then
the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in
Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The
others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then
the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's
a better one. Over in Brooklyn,
there's this place, Vinny's. At
Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.
You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone
agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then
the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's
this place called Warshowski's. At
Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink,
they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they
take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!"
say the other two. "That's
fantastic! Did that actually happen
to you?"
"No,"
replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
*****************************************************
Fidel
dies and goes to heaven. When he
gets there, St. Peter tells him that
he
is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must
go to hell.
So
Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to
make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and
tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little
devils to get your stuff."
When
the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter
is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally
one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the
luggage.
As
they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says
to the other, "Geez! Fidel
hasn't been in hell ten minutes and we're already
getting refugees!"
*****************************************************
"My
god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in
on
a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I
got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley?
He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have
had
something in his hand."
"Aye,..
that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear
Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye,
that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it
was,
but not much use in a fight!"
*****************************************************
Things
Overheard at the Pitt-Aniston Wedding
16>
"Stalking the bride or stalking the groom?"
15>
"Excuse me, Mr. Pitt, but the rest of the 'Friends' cast is
asking for five hundred thousand per song to appear on the dance
floor."
14>
"You know, if Brad's hair were a little longer, they'd BOTH
kinda look like Kato Kaelin."
13>
"Bridesmaids or not, that many women in seafoam green and
'Rachel' hairstyles is just plain creepy."
12>
"Oh, look -- a caterer specializing in receptions for bingers
and purgers!"
11>
"Does this tux make my ego look big?"
10>
"So beautiful, so stunning, so lovely... and Jennifer looks
great, too!"
9>
"Excuse me, Mr. Pitt -- the press has asked for a moment to
organize their crews before the dancing bears and clowns
come out so this doesn't turn into a, well, you know."
8>
"Ms. Hayek, you put Mr. Norton down this instant!"
7>
"If there be anyone who obj... uh, how about we skip this
part?"
6>
"And remember: If you don't
leave your reception by midnight, you'll
turn back into Danny De Vito and Rhea Perlman."
5>
"Call me 'Rachel' one more time and I'm gonna give you a
Champagne glass enema, pretty boy."
4>
"Can you hold that thought, Reverend?
I *have* to take this
call..."
3>
"I, Brad, take thee, Jennifer, to be my... to be my... LINE!"
2>
"And now Brad, place the ring on Jennifer's erect nipple and
repeat after me..."
1>
"Wait, wait, WAIT!! *I've* got
the looks -- I thought *you* had the
brains!"
*********************************************************
Q:
What's the difference between purple and pink?
A:
The grip.
Q.
How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A.
It's not hard.
Q:
How is a woman like a condom?
A:
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q:
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A:
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q:
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A:
45 lb..
Q:
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:
45 minutes
Q:
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A:
Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A:
$3.99 a minute.
Q:
How are women and rocks alike?
A:
You skip across the flat ones.
Q:
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A:
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q:
What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A:
A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Q:
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A:
Because breasts don't have eyes.
Q:
How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A:
With a crowbar.
Q:
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A:
When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks
whining.
Q:
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A:
The little swallow.
Q:
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A:
Hump-me Dump-me.
Q:
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A:
Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole
chicken.
Q:
Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A:
So they know where to stop shaving.
Q:
What is the difference between medium and rare?
A:
Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q:
Why don't men fake orgasm?
A:
Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Q.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A.
Its Braille for "suck here."
Q.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their
minds?
A.
Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year
old
doesn't?
A.
Her navel.
Q.
Why do women have tits?
A.
So men will talk to them.
*****************************************************
OLD"
IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go
upstairs
and make love," and you answer,
"Honey,
I can't do both!"
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on
your
new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy
and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the
wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse
goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow
down
by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I
don't
need to take any fiber today.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find
your
car in the parking lot.
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
*****************************************************
Mrs.
Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years,
and
over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs.
Cohen
and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us, let's sell them
and
each move into a home for the aged.
Each
went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed.
Mrs.
Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be
driven
to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she
arrived
she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said,
"So
how do you like it here?"
Mrs.
Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the
care
takers.
She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have a
boyfriend."
Mrs.
Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do."
Mrs.
Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of
the
bed.
I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing
Jewish
songs."
Mrs.
Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"
She
said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she
also
had a boyfriend.
Mrs.
Cohen said, "So what do you do?"
"We
also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the
bed.
I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."
Mrs.
Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck.
*****************************************************
New
College Degrees for the 21st Century
15>
PhDS -- Doctor of Spin
14>
MP -- Master of Pokemonics
13>
PhAT -- Doctor of Hip-hop and Urban Slang
12>
AA in AAA AA -- 2-year degree in sober driving
11>
BS in Animal Divorcery
10>
BSDCA -- Bachelor of Scientology in Dianetics and Con Arts
9>
LOL,ROFLMAO -- Luminary of Lexicology, Readily Observable
Fluctuations in Linguistic Manifestations of Acronyms Online
8>
BPS -- Bachelor of Pseudo-Science (Kansas Universities only)
7>
BS in Tae-bology
6>
MBW -- Master of Bitching and Whining About How There Never
Used to Be This Much Traffic and It Was Safe to Walk
the Streets at Night
5>
SDKB -- The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Degree
4>
MD, specializing in Tattoo Removal and Piercehole Spackling
3>
MFD -- Master of F**kin' De Nirology
2>
VPE,GRFX/X-F -- Virtual Porn Engineer with Specialty in
Placing Gillian Anderson's Head on Playboy Model's Body
1>
DhP -- Doctor of Reverse Psychology
*****************************************************
1.
Did you hear that one of the Concorde pilots asked the other if he
was
going
home after his shift. He said no, he was just going to crash at the
hotel
...
2.
The European Commission have met and declared that Concorde's impeccable
safety
record will stand. The hotel was in the wrong.
3.
Affluent German tourists choose to fly Concorde. They'd not be seen dead
on
anything else...
4.
So many German tourists. So few concordes....
5.
The French Killed more Germans on Tuesday than in 2 world wars
6.
How do you fit 100 Germans into a small French hotel? On a Concorde!
7.
I know that the Germans like to get to the sun-loungers first but isn't
this
just a bit ridiculous
8.
Overheard at the Hotelissimo, Gronesse: "Waiter! There's a Concorde
in
my
soup."
9.
Air France have just introduced a new express service for their premium
travellers
which guarantees you can be off your plane and in your hotel in
all
of two minutes.
10. Why is Concorde such good value for money? You get the hotel thrown in.