Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
A
blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems
selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles
on
it.
One
day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The
brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make
the
car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That
doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the
car."
"Okay,"
said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he
will
'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell
your
car."
The
following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About
one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell
your
car?"
"No,"
replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on
it!"
*****************************************************
Cool
Things About Having a Beer Belly
15>
Doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.
14>
96% less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.
13>
Use your kid's action figures to play "Survivor" while in
the bath -- on your very own hairy island!
12>
Great way to meet cute female cardiologists.
11>
Understanding mothers give up their seat on the subway.
10>
You no longer feel like an outcast at the bowling alley.
9>
Small penis? Out of sight, out of mind!
8>
The bliss of knowing that its "yin" meshes perfectly with
your butt crack's "yang."
7>
Instant "street cred" in biker bars worldwide.
6>
Playground pecking order makes that geeky Zima-bellied kid
your bitch.
5>
Prevents dribbled beer from rusting your NASCAR belt buckle.
4>
Allows you to fit perfectly into the concave embrace of
waifish supermodels.
3>
When you lie in bed watching "NYPD Blue," it conveniently
obscures Dennis Franz's ass.
2>
Irrefutable proof that you really really really really
really REALLY like beer.
1>
May be light-sabered open to provide warmth if you're ever
in danger of freezing to death on an ice planet.
*****************************************************
EUPHEMISMS
FOR "GETTING YOUR PERIOD"
15.
Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
14.
Trolling for Vampires
13.
A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
12.
Saddling Old Rusty
11.
Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
10.
Clean-Up in Aisle One
9.
Massacre at the Y
8.
T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
7.
Game Day for the Crimson Tide
6.
Panty Shields Up, Captain!
5.
Taking Carrie to the Prom
4.
Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
3.
Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
2.
Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
*****************************************************
Songs
on the "Survivor" Soundtrack
15>
"I've Got Sand in Low Places"
14>
"Your Thong"
13>
"I Saw Tagi Eating Lobster Claws"
12>
"Raindrops Keep Snuffing Out My Torch"
11>
"Rudy, Don't Take Your Love to Tagi"
10>
"Oops! I'm Nekkid Again!"
9>
"Get It On (Bang Pagong)"
8>
"I Saw Him Standing Bare"
7>
"Days of Wine and Rodents"
6>
"I've Grown Accustomed to Gervase"
5>
"We're Off to Eat the Lizard"
4>
"The Alliance Sleeps Tonight"
3>
("Sittin' On) A Rock With a Gay"
2>
"Rat's in the Ladle"
1>
"Fifty Ways to Love Your Larva"
*****************************************************
REJECTED
TITLES FOR THE NEXT
16.
Harry Potter and the Naughty Schoolmarm, Mrs. Letourneau
15.
Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love
14.
Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma
13.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA
12.
Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch
11.
Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy
10.
Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of "Hustler"
9.
Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore
8.
Harriet Potter After the Life-Altering Surgery
7.
Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp
6.
Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep
5.
Harry Potter and Spinning Grave of Tolkien
4.
Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia
3.
Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony
2.
Harry Potter and the Over-Hyped Children's Author and
Clever Marketing Campaign
1.
Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues
*****************************************************
This
guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes,
jewelry,
etc., but he was not too well off. One
day his wife came
home
with a diamond neckless.
The
guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His
wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The
next night she came home with a mink coat.
The
guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His
wife replied: "I won it at bingo."
The
next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The
guy asked: "Where did you get that?"
His
wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!!
Go
upstairs and run my bath for me!!"
His
wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The
wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The
guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"
*****************************************************
The
tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation,
says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
the
best strategy is to dismount.
In
modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more
advanced
strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired."
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10.
Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse's
performance.
11.
Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead
horse's performance.
12.
Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly,
carries lower overhead, and therefore
contributes
substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do
some
other horses.
13.
Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14.
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
*****************************************************
A
man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get
a
job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too
smart.
The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-
digit
reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have
to
involve the removal of over half of his brain.
The
man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have
a
brand new laser device which could zap just the right
portions
of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The
laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor
the
man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The
doctor
threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ...
95,
94, 93, ...
Suddenly
the phone rang. It was the doctor's
wife. They
gabbed
for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely
about
his patient.
When
he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the
operating
room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6,
5, 4, ...
He
ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the
laser
was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy
moley!"
exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done?
Speak to
me.
Say anything!"
The
man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush,
announce
my candidacy for President of the United States..."
*****************************************************
You
have just received the "Polish Virus"!!! As we don't have any
programming
experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete
all
the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to
everyone
on your mailing list. Thanks for
your cooperation.
*****************************************************
Signs
You May Not Be the Perfect Parent
16>
"Okay, the baby will be ready in time for dinner!
Now where's that chicken you wanted me to bathe?"
15>
You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the
upcoming "Survivor: Australia."
14>
"Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good
at something."
13>
You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the
Jerry Springer Show.
12>
Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9,
but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bullet-proof.
11>
"Sex? Just turn on UPN, then
let me know if you have any
questions."
10>
Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces
with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your*
father did it.
9>
You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full
recommended daily allowance of floggings.
8>
All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place -- because
you roll the best.
7>
"Okay, okay! You can stay up
to watch South Park. Now be a
good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."
6>
Your son's junior high classmates gather 'round at lunchtime
to watch you breast feed him.
5>
Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little
Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded
revolver.
4>
You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.
3>
Both the kids get pretty nervous at Thanksgiving when you ask
for a moment of silence in honor of Nicole -- then reach for
the carving knife.
2>
"Damn, girl! There's pureed
carrots in my coke spoon!"
1>
"As a physician, Mrs. Spears, I must warn you: Pushing her up
to a double-D cup might sell more records, but I'm not sure
how much more stress that left one can handle."
*****************************************************
-----------------------
On
a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the
parent-education
seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The
elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning
to
Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18
grandchildren
and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then
she
inquired
what I did for a living.
I
told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional
advice.
Instead
she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's
anything
you want to know, just ask me."
*****************************************************
80,000
blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not
Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove
to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde
gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The
leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After
15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously
everyone is a little disappointed.
Then
80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another
chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of
getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global
broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So
he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After
nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The
leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh --
everyone is disheartened the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin
to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER
ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The
leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance
--
What is 2 plus 2?"
The
girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
"Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000
girls jump to their
feet,
wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE
HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
*****************************************************
The
child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive,
bright
as a new penny.
When
she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of
marriage,
her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking
visual images would help.
One
page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception,
etc.
"Now
do you understand?" he asked.
"I
think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
*****************************************************
"Why
do they call it a Pap Smear?"
Because
if they called it a "Cunt Scrape" no woman would
have one.