Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
"IT'S
SO HOT IN PALM SPRINGS
THAT..."
The
birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The
potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one
out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers
are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled
eggs.
IT'S
SO DRY IN PALM SPRINGS THAT..."
The
cows are giving evaporated milk.
The
trees are whistling for the dogs.
A
sad resident once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz
I've seen it - but for my 7-year old."
A
visitor to Palm Springs once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered,
"Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for
40 days and 40 nights?" The
visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with
Noah's flood." "Well,"
said the rancher puffed up, "we got about
two and a half inches of that."
"YOU
KNOW YOU'RE IN PALM SPRINGS WHEN..."
You
no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You
can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You
eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You
can make instant sun tea.
You
learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
When
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You
discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You
discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You
notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
Hot
water now comes out of both taps.
It's
noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the
streets.
You
actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You
break a sweat the instant you step outside and it's only 7:30 am.
No
one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air
conditioning.
Your
biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying
on the pavement and cook to death?"
You
realize asphalt has a liquid state.
*****************************************************
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
MONDAY
7:30
The Allah Bunch
8:00
Husseinfeld
8:30
Mad About Everything
9:00
Suddenly Sanctions
9:30
Allah Alla McBeal
10:00
Saddam's Funniest Military Videos
TUESDAY
8:00
Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00
Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30
Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00
Mahatma's Place
WEDNESDAY
7:30
Who Wants to be a Hussein Heir?
8:00
Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30
Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00
Just Shoot Me
9:30
Party of Hussein
10:00
Hussein's Harem 90210
THURSDAY
8:00
Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30
The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00
Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30
Veilwatch
10:00
My Two Baghdads
10:30
Saddam's Trek: The Next Generation
FRIDAY
8:00
Judge Saddam
8:30
Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00
Achmed's Creek
9:30
No-witness News
SATURDAY
7:30
Saddam's Incredible!
8:00
Mohammed: The Legendary Journeys
8:30
Allah Allah
9:00
The World Around Iraq
*****************************************************
A
True Story from Australia:
From
the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove
their car into a shopping centre only to have their car break down in the car
park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The
wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.
Unable
to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked
everything
back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband standing idly by.
The
mechanic however had to have three stitches in his head
*****************************************************
16>
"101 Damnations"
15>
"20,000 Leagues Under the Earth"
14>
"Fantasia" (absolutely no drugs allowed)
13>
"The Unrescuables Down Under"
12>
"Ishtarzan"
11>
"Your Booty and the Beast"
10>
"That Darn Caterwauling!"
9>
"Where the Heck Are All the Dogs?"
8>
"Herpes, the Love Bug"
7>
"Nutty Blasphemer II: The Antichrists"
6>
"The Absent-Minded Tax Preparer"
5>
"Aladdin and the Unstoppable Eye-Gouging Machine"
4>
"James and the Giant Leech"
3>
"Runny the Pooh"
2>
"Beauty and the Psycho Ex-Boyfriend With a Pair of Night-Vision
Binoculars"
1> "Buttholes and Broomsticks"
*****************************************************
A
man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.
He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of
the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin
he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your
Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am
prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit
with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, "He's a crook!
He's guilty, guilty, guilty." So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on
this jury!"
With
a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is
his lawyer."
*****************************************************
Things
Overheard at the Reform Party Convention
14>
"No, this is the Reform Party Convention.
The 'Magic: The Gathering' tournament is in the *big* function room on
the 7th floor."
13>
"Excuse me... can ANYONE here please tell this foreign reporter why Ross
Perot and Pat Buchanan are in the same party?"
12>
"...and the last candidate whose torch is not snuffed out is the
nominee."
11>
"Why yes, I'd love another shrimp quesadilla, Admiral Stockdale."
10>
"My opponents can brag about attending Harvard or Yale, but how many of
them can boast a degree from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"
9>
"Hmmm... professional wrestler... Jewish... I've got it!
Let's nominate Goldberg!"
8>
"Hey! Let's go throw rocks at the Libertarians!"
7>
"We're about to split the party in two!
Did everyone make a wish?"
6>
"Okay, let's keep things moving...
neo-liberal anarchists to the left...
neo-fascist demagogues to right...
neo-isolationist crackpots wait right here."
5>
"Mr. Chairman, the great state of confusion casts all its votes for H.
George Robertson."
4>
"You've got to see this! The
Buchanan people have just built a 15 foot fence around the New Mexico
delegation."
3>
"Okay, Mr. Perot, let's do another take.
Remember, your line is 'Yo quiero Taco Bell'."
2>
"No, I ordered the waffles. The
western omelet probably goes to the Libertarian Convention over in the next
booth."
1>
"Now then, you see, this here big slice of the pie chart
represents how much of my ass Pat Buchanan can kiss."
*****************************************************
All
power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
If
your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Taxation
WITH representation ain't much fun either.
I
don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.
He
who dies with the most toys is still dead.
I
like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
"Time
is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog
Red
meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.
Toilet
stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
The
Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A
fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When
blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money
isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What
happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Am
I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The
statement below is true.
The
statement above is false.
If
you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
A
hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession
is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling
is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Remember:
First you pillage, THEN you burn.
To
err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Corduroy
pillows are making headlines.
If
at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox
and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Suicidal
twin kills sister by mistake.
Half
the people in the world are below average.
Failure
is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
Strip
mining prevents forest fires.
A
picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times
more
memory!
If
a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?
If
we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Ham
and eggs: Just a day's work
for a chicken but a lifetime commitment
for
a pig.
*****************************************************
From
the demented mind of comedian Steven Wright...
If
you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
If
people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called
Holes?
Why
do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do
infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If
a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If
love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When
someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents
in,
what happens to the other penny?
Why
is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
Why
do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
with.
When
cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why
is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car
not called a racist?
Why
are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why
do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why
isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I
am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If
lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If
Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do
Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What
hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I
was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they
get older, then it dawned on me . . .they're cramming for their final exam.
I
thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so
I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why
do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If
it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here
for?
You
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No
one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.
Ever
wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last
night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
If
a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever
happened to preparations A through G?
If
olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
*****************************************************
When
a group of doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new
wing
at a hospital the:
-
allergists voted to scratch it;
-
dermatologists preferred no rash moves;
-
gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it;
-
microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein;
-
neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve";
-
the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception;
-
ophthalmologists considered the idea short- sighted;
-
orthopedists issued a joint resolution;
-
parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst";
-
pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!";
-
pediatricians said, "Grow up!";
-
proctologists said, "We are in arrears";
-
psychiatrists thought it was madness;
and
finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
-
radiologists could see right through it;
-
internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow;
-
plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter";
-
podiatrists thought it was a big step forward;
-
D.O.s thought they were being manipulated;
-
urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water;
-
anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
-
cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no;
-
the otologists were deaf to the idea.
Needless
to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!
*****************************************************
13>
Debbie Does Dallas -- *and* Denver
12>
Hoosiers Daddy
11>
White Men Can't Hump
10>
Nookie of the Year
9>
The Au Naturale
8>
Brian's Dong
7>
The Dick Butkis Story
6>
North Phallus Forty
5>
The Endless Hummer
4>
Bride of the Yankees
3>
He Got Gamete
2>
Stroke Her, Ace!
1>
Caddyshag
*****************************************************
It's
a Tough Crowd at the Open
This
was in Wednesday's SF Chronicle...thought you'd all enjoy it.
British
crowds know their golf. Tom Weiskopf, who won the British Open in 1973, can
vouch for the fact that they applaud only the best shots.
According
to Doug Ferguson of the Associated Press, Weiskopf recalled last week that he
was playing a practice round with Jack Nicklaus and John O'Leary before the 1975
Open at Carnoustie.
When
they got to the par-3 8th hole late in the afternoon, only a couple of
spectators remained. The wind was
blowing hard from the left, and Weiskopf noticed two elderly gentlemen sitting
on the left side of the green. He
tried to aim his tee shot at them and turn it into the wind.
The ball landed near the hole, but there was no response from the men.
He
looked in the bunker. He walked beyond the green. He searched in the trees.
Finally, Nicklaus told him. "Can you believe it?
Your ball's in the hole!"
As
he left the green, Weiskopf turned to the two men and said, "Excuse me, but
did you see my shot?"
"Yes,
laddie, we saw your shot," they replied.
"It
was a hole-in-one. You didn't even
clap," he said.
"Aye,
laddie, but it's only practice, isn't it?"
*****************************************************
on
the Taco Bell Chihuahua's To-Do List
Taco
Bell has decide to drop the talking Chihuahua ("Yo quiero Taco Bell")
from its advertising, due to lagging sales and a management shakeup. So what's
the little pooch going to do next?
Things
on the Taco Bell Chihuahua's To-Do List
15>
Check into the Betty Ford Center to kick that nasty Snausage addiction.
14>
Call up Joe Camel, Spuds McKenzie and Morris the Cat; Drown sorrows at happy
hour.
13>
Shopping list: Milk, butter, eggs,
Lassie movies, hand lotion
12>
Pitch new "Who Wants To Do It Doggie Style?" game show idea to those
morons at FOX.
11>
Release Godzilla from his toothy grasp.
10> Just like any other actor: A quick trip to the casting couch for a little butt sniffing and leg humping, then right back to work.
9>
Finally enjoy a Whopper with Cheese in public without having
to wear that stupid cat disguise.
8>
Bite agent's ass? Check.
Bite client's ass? Check.
Bite Jennifer Lopez's ass? Ay,
Chihuahua!
7>
Yo quiero poodle bitch in heat.
6>
A romantic getaway with Speedy Gonzalez, now that all the media scrutiny
is
subsiding.
5>
Fulfill his lifelong fantasy: Land a guest spot on "The Larry King
Show," then pee on Larry's leg.
4>
Leave a special homemade "Chalupa" on that annoying Pepsi girl's front
porch.
3>
Hump the eyes right off of that Pets.com sock puppet.
2>
Lap up Jose Cuervo by the bowlful to wipe out that lingering Chalupa taste.
1>
Catch up on some badly needed scrotum-licking.
*****************************************************
CARDS
YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
1.
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I
can't help but wonder:.............
What
was I thinking?"
2.
"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too
bad no one likes your wife."
3.
"How could two people as beautiful you............
have
such an ugly baby?"
4.
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone
to love.........
After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
5.
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I
never believed in Hell until I met you."
6.
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that
you're not here to ruin it for me."
7.
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given
me.
Like
the need for therapy..."
8.
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I
never knew what evil was before this!"
9.
"Before you go,.........
I
would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll
probably need it again."
10.
"Someday I hope to get married............
but
not to you."
11.
"You look great for your age.......
Almost
Lifelike!"
12.
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now
that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
13.
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best
friend.......
So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
14.
"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What
do you say we call it quits?"
15.
"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's
almost like you're here."
16.
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did
you ever find out who the father was?"
17.
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and
there was only one life jacket....
I'd
miss you heaps and think of you often."
18.
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---------
So
we're having you put to sleep."
*****************************************************
A
man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his
vacation.
He
wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room
with me at night?"
An
immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating
this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict
a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never
had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
*****************************************************
1.JEWBILATION
n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
2.TORAHFIED
n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's
Bar or Bat mitzvah.
3.SANTA-SHMANTA
n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the
rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
4.MATZILATION
v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5.BUBBEGUM
n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never
gave
to her own children.
6.CHUTZPAPA
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00a.m. so she can change
the
baby's diaper.
7.DEJA
NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on
your
mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
8.DISORIYENTA
n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation
with everyone she passes.
9.GOYFER
n. A Gentile messenger.
10.HEBORT
vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar
Mitzvah.
11.JEWDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight
spot.
12.MAMATZAH
BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
13.MEINSTEIN
- slang. "My son, the genius."
14.MISHPOCHAMARKS
n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after
kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
15.RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the
same condo as you.
16.ROSH
HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
17.YIDENTIFY
v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names
might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
18.MINYASTICS
n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a
minyan.
19.FEELAWFUL
n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20.DIS-KVELLIFIED
vb. ** I love this one! ** To drop out of law school, med school or business as
seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases,
simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son,
David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for
diskvellification.
21.IMPASTA
n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22.KINDERSCHLEP
v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23.SCHMUCKLUCK
n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a
vasectomy.
24.SHOFARSOGUT
n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar
is
finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25.TRAYFFIC
ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one
has
eaten it.
*****************************************************
Another
great Little Johnny joke...
On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next
to him was little Johnny on his shiny new bike.
The
cop said to Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to
you?"
Johnny
answered, "Yeah."
The
cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue little Johnny a $20.00 bicycle
safety violation ticket.
Little
Johnny took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's
a
nice
horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, t