Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
(You need to know how "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" works . . . )
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
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A young lawyer was driving her new Lexus when she saw two men eating grass by the road side. She stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", she asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But ma'am, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", she said to the other man.
"But ma'am, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" She called her husband and asked him to come over and take the second man's family.
They all climbed into the cars. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Ma'am, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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**** PRESS RELEASE *****
New Soup Announced:
One of the Nations largest Soup Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
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Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do. They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They're called "Comment Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin. They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them "Hezzie Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like someone else. They're called "Emma Tators."
Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators."
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On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic ensued until her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
More grunting and straining followed, and at last Edward said "My God! That was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped.
Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
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A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Bengal pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."