Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
During
the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look,
I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part
where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part
out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It
is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part
of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's
vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will
you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before
God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as
long as you both shall live?"
The
groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then
leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The
pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She
made me a better offer."
Life
isn't so bad after all...
A
man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when
he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms
dancing all around on the river bank.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got
off the railing. He then walked
down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank
you," he said. "I was
going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even
though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I
am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly.
"My ass itches, and I can't scratch it.
A
little old lady to the Judge, "Your Honor, I am 86 years old, So here I am,
sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it
feels so good, your Honor, so I don't stop him. He begins to rub my old breasts,
your Honor. Why your Honor I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread
my old legs and say to him, 'young man. Take me!'
Then
he yelled, April Fool" and that's when I shot the son of a bitch."
15
Surprises at This Year's Academy Awards Show
15>
"...due to the theft of Billy Crystal, your host for tonight's ceremonies
is Regis Philbin."
14>
It may have looked good on Jennifer Lopez but it's not going to revive *your*
career, Mr. Asner.
13>
Special Lifetime Achievement Oscar given to the guy who first uttered the phrase
"Let's do lunch."
12>
All winners given option of taking home the statuette or Darva Conger.
11>
To prevent a repeat of last year's near catastrophe, OSHA requires that Roberto
Benigni be securely duct taped to his chair.
10>
Jim Carrey, snubbed by the nominating committee, is only a Man of 990 Faces when
the camera sweeps past him.
9>
Annette Benning reveals that the father of her baby is actually Hillary Swank.
8>
All presenters wearing tofu-colored ribbons, protesting the exclusion of
"Top 5 -- The Musical!" from Best Foreign Film consideration.
7>
Mid-show, Michael Douglas dumps old hag Catherine Zeta Jones for that blonde
chick from American Beauty.
6>
*Still* no award for best Chinese translation of a movie title.
5>
Meryl Streep confessed that she stole the Oscar statutes so she could complete
her back-yard Oscar-army recreation of the battle of Gettysburg.
4>
Haley Joel Osment freaks out upon seeing Calista Flockhart.
3>
Annual deceased star retrospective mistakenly included Kathleen Turner.
2>
Those statuettes may look shiny, but no amount of scrubbing can eliminate
"dumpster smell."
1>
Thanks to Viagra, Jack Palance can now do *no-handed* push-ups.
A
little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs
mating on the sidewalk.
"What
are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The
grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on
top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying
him to the doctor."
"They're
just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How
do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer
someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "...and they screw you
every time!"
Red
Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but
that 80 is not "old." Red explained:
"Old"
is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
"Old"
is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
"Old"
is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the
light.
"Old"
is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
nearest your car.
"Old"
is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old"
is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow ...
"Old"
is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you
answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
Ten
Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog
1.
If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be
offended if you scratch it in public.
2.
No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3.
Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and
you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4.
Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5.
No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think
you're cute.
6.
Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain
you for hours.
7.
You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8.
No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry
about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9.
It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same
old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come
back.
10.
Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
15
Signs Spring Break Has Arrived
15>
Cars on Florida freeways reach speeds in excess of 17 mph.
14>
Earth's rotation shifts slightly, as 80% of the world's beer
converges on Florida.
13>
State troopers all over the country stand in front of their
mirrors, drawing their radar guns and saying, "Do you feel
lucky, punk?"
12>
George W. Bush goes from being vague about the issues at Bob
Jones University to getting right to the point at the beach
with some Notre Dame co-eds.
11>
Portable toilets replace technology stocks as the big gainer
on the NASDAQ.
10>
Residents of Ft. Lauderdale and Panama City start
Scotch-Guarding everything, including pets.
9>
The average age in Florida dips all the way down to 72.
8>
Weatherman's latest forecast for South Padre Island?
95% chance of meaningless sex with random people.
7>
Daylight Savings Time ends; Moonlight
Puking Time begins.
6>
Live from Lake Havasu City, MTV is proud to bring you
"Undressed, Unconscious and Unprotected."
5>
A naked Ted Kennedy causes a brief stir when confused tourists
attempt to save the senator by pushing him back into the sea.
4>
You get to see breasts without that pesky two drink minimum
and constant tipping.
3>
J.C. Penney holds its annual "Thong and Bong Sale."
2>
White trash teenage crossdressing vampire nuns on Jerry
Springer suddenly sporting bitchin' tans
1>
You wake up behind a 7-11 in Daytona with a goat and a Barbie
doll, reeking of marmalade -- and your first thought is
"Not again!!"
One
day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage
S&M magazine.
This
was highly upsetting for her.
She
hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He
looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She
finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The
dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
Signs
That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You ...
You
like to be in crowds because they keep you from falling down.
Your
favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".
The
parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A
big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your
clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with
your
pills.
Somebody
you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your
idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your
knees buckle, but your belt won't.
THINGS
THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN" BY DAVE BARRY
1.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
that we are above average drivers.
3.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to
share yours with them.
5.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who
are not in them.
6.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual
is crazy.
9.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.
Never lick a steak knife.
11.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.
14
Signs You're at an AOL Theme Park
14>
"Twice as many rides -- all 40% slower!!"
13>
The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to
connect up its carriages to your cash register.
12>
The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible
at all.
11>
Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print
reminds you that all free hours must be used today.
10>
The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, "We're sorry, all
circus are busy right now. Please
come back later."
9>
Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens
despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.
8>
None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy
to find your way around.
7>
A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you
visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.
6>
Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't
get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.
5>
Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride
the merry-go-round.
4>
The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.
3>
You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only
has room for 2350.
2>
"We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line'
ride is unavailable. Please
try again soon."
1>
IT'S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!
A
preacher stood up in front of his congregation one Sunday morning, looking
really down in the mouth. He said,
"I have heard some very disturbing rumors about me this past week and I
feel I must address them this morning. I heard that one of my congregation has
been going around saying that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan."
"This
is just simply untrue and I would like the member who has been telling this
fabrication to please stand and confess this lie to the congregation."
After
a few minutes, a shapely blonde on the front pew timidly stands up and looks
around at the congregation. She says, "I just don't know how my
conversation got so misconstrued.
What
I said was, 'The Pastor is a wizard under the sheets!'"
Home
Cold Fusion Reactor made with Pepsi and a Tampon
The
Hoover Electrolux 3000 - Nature's Vacuum
The
Amazing, Incredible, Stupendous, Real Live Chia Clone
Sound
Dampening Principles: Snagging the Car Without Waking Up the Parental Units
Cloning
Cheerleaders: Improving Poindexter's Chances of Getting a Date for the Prom
Using
the Internet to Investigate Teachers' Private Lives
Energizer
Bunny Autopsy - Dissecting the Pink Menace
Exploring
the Flame-Retardent Aspects of Principal Barnes' Toupee
The
Use of Marijuana for Glaucoma Prevention Among High Schoolers
Beans:
Magical, Menacing or Merely Musical?
Backseat
Cloning: Three Steps to Knocking up Debbie Sanders
Tic
Tacs or Mentos? Hiding Vodka Breath
Qualitative
Analysis of Acme Products And Their Effects On The Laws of Cartoon Quantum
Mechanics
Uranus:
Mighty Gas Giant!
Repetitive
Sound-Induced Violence, Non-Spontaneous Human Combustion & the Disappearance
of Billy Ray Cyrus
1.
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because
they are plugged into a genius)
2.
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they
don't have enough time)
3.
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG
(they
don't stop for directions)
4.
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because
a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5.
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because
they don't have penises to put them in)
6.
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON)
(they're
intended for children but men usually end up playing with them)
7.
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because
their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
8.
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it
is sex with someone they love)
9.
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so
they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10.
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you
need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
11.
WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so
he can tell if he's coming or going)
12.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(nobody
knows, since it has never happened)
13.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument) >
Three
men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.
The
Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then
we
made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The
Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made
passionate
love. She screamed for half an hour."
The
Jewish guy says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat].
We
made love and she screamed for six hours."
The
others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"
The
Jewish guy shrugged. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
9 Barbara Walters Questions For Monica Lewinsky That Didn't Make It
1. Monica, can you wemember your first bwowjob?
2. Monica, would you cwassify yourself as a guzzwer?
3. Monica, would you like to see Bwil Cwinton castwated?
4. Monica, what would you like to say to Hiwwawy?
5. Monica, tell us about the dwizzle on the dwess.
6. Monica, what was it wike to be the Pwesident's wove swave?
7. Monica, did Mr. Cwinton ever use a cigar to pway with your wabia?
8. Monica, did the Pwesident ever wick your twat?
9. Monica, swawwower or spitter?
15
Signs the Antichrist is a Vegetarian
15>
Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell
are now just used to roast marshmallows.
14>
Mysteriously, a movement arises to replace communion wafers
with body-free tofu-of-Christ.
13>
Vegetarians emit more gas than meat-eaters.
What, you thought
that smell was sulphur?
12>
Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when
planted in a pentagram configuration.
11>
The new line of Satan's Own salad dressings ("All after-tax
profits go to Hell").
10>
He recoils at the sight of the cross of a T-bone.
9>
As the apocalypse begins, every Outback Steakhouse is reduced
to a pile of cinders.
8>
"Take this, all of you and eat it, this is my tofu burrito..."
7>
Always bringing his crappy under-garlicked hummus to
Microsoft company picnics.
6>
Gardenburger now offers patties in the shape of a Christian
child.
5>
Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat
sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.
4>
Vanity license plate: BLZBROC
3>
Have you *tasted* tofu, man? Is
there any *doubt* that slop
is the work of the Devil?
2>
As we all know, the Antichrist of Revelations can only be
destroyed by the power of pure, glorious Spam.
and
Number 1 Sign the Antichrist is a Vegetarian...
1>
His black shroud is really just an XXXL "Meat is Murder"
T-shirt turned inside out.
I
heard this one over the weekend....my sister-in-law enlightened me...
when
your management decides to pass down another useless "edict", the word
is:
"bohica"
Which
stands for, "Bend over, here it comes again"!
So
next time you get that eMail, or announcement, you can all groan, "Oh,
bohica!"
12
Indications Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics
12>
"Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!"
11>
Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus."
10>
Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his
"exit poll."
9>
She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plus
or minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on
"party member" turn-out.
8>
Enjoys performing filibusters on you.
7>
You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his
sock drawer.
6>
Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place."
5>
Her "Hey, Forbes -- put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt.
4>
She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is
in love with you, 43% percent of her is pissed that you leave
your clothes on the floor.
3>
AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!"
2>
Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to
"www.hotButteredGore.com."
1>
Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!"
After
a night in the pub, two Irishmen coming home, stumbled up the country road in
the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the
stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
"Glory be,Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"
"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"
________________________________________________________________
Spanish
singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when
he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow,
maybe the next day, maybe the day after that.
Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and
asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of
urgency."
________________________________________________________________
Murphy
won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He
went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and
oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in
the great state of Texas." "It's
a big place," said Murphy. The
guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the
smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"
________________________________________________________________
Father
Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do
you want to go to heaven?" The
man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there
against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then
stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said,
"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want
to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."
__________________________________________________________________
A
Irish truck driver was sitting at a set of traffic lights in a small Irish town
when his engine stopped. He tried
to start the truck a couple of time but to no avail.
By this time the lights had gone green then red again. The driver sitting
behind his soon got tired of waiting, so he strolled up to the trucker and
quietly asked "is there a particular shade of green that you're waiting
for."