Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
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God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have
Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou
shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Good then, we'll take 10!"
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked
to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a
person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted
(adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to
attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.),
impotent
6. Negligent (adj.),
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk
with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an
olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a
rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous
question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the
formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who
sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the
opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.),
The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican
proctologist.
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her
mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make
my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love,
honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful
thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."
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CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline
officials at O'Hare International Airport refused
to let a 73 year old grandmother board her plane. She had in her possession
two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she
may knit an Afghan.
***
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler
***
"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." -Rosanne Barr
***
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of
your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone
is for you." -Fran Lebowitz
I know it's kind of "old news" at this point, but did you hear all
of the crap about Nostradamus having predicted the events of
September 11? It's been pretty much
debunked (as it should
have been) but in looking through some of the stuff on the 'Net
about him, I found some interesting info.
For instance, when he was alive, he was in tremendous
demand by various churches and temples in the area.
This got
to be a strain running from place to place.
It's not like they
had a mass transit system or a limo service to ferry him
around.
So, the different groups got together and hammered out a
schedule. Each group would get
Nostril's (his nickname -- you
didn't know that, did ya?) services for a day or two each
month. Pretty advanced thinking at
the time.
It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.
14> Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone
suggesting we get a karaoke machine.
13> No stirring someone else's drink with your buffalo wing bones.
12> True happiness only. Satisfaction,
beatitude, and gruntlement
are not acceptable.
11> Friday drink special: $2 "Sex Out Of Reach" shots
10> Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from
Laura.
9> Anyone who's not happy will be
beaten with pool cues until
they become happy.
8> When falling off chair, do not
block aisleways to jukebox or
restroom.
7> We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout
drinking buddies!
6> Strict 5-drink limit is means
somewhere around 12 to 15
drinks.
5> Absolutely no Sally Struthers.
4> Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a
cherry stem using only your
tongue.
Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.
3> Designated drivers drink free all
night!
2> Calculating the value of pi on your
cocktail napkin beyond 32
decimal places won't leave room to write the phone number
of the girl you're trying to impre-- Hey! Where'd she go?
1> Confusing, hard to read signs on
the restroom doors to be
replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.
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SIGNS YOUR PET CAN READ YOUR MIND
13> You think about having him neutered and the next time you're
taking a bath, Rover brings you the toaster.
12> They start throwing feces before you even get the typewriters
out of their cartons.
11> When you fake throwing the ball, he fakes being fooled.
10> "Bwawk! Polly wanna new
gold cage, or else Polly's telling
Larry King about your rubber hose fetish and what you did
with that watermelon. Bwawk!"
9> Well *someone* ordered the cat-size
purple silk turban and
crystal ball squeaky toy.
8> You ask for your slippers.
Rover brings you Penthouse.
7> He times his litter box usage so
that total poop-smell
permeation in your apartment occurs at EXACTLY the same
moment your date arrives.
6> The freakin' ferret *always* blocks
your Triple-Word Score
move.
5> You toss your "Inauguration
'93" commemorative Frisbee over
by the sunbathing babes, and good ol' Buddy comes back with
two bikini tops.
4> Spot's able to guess 10 times out
of 10 that it's Alpo for
dinner.
3> No matter where you hide the key to
the liquor cabinet, by the
time you get home from work, Fido's halfway through the peach
Schnapps, watching "Beaches," and crying like a baby.
2> You get the strange feeling that
your cat is ignoring you on
a whole *new* level.
1> The Waco-style armed standoffs that
begin an hour before
Sparky's trips to the vet.
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified
the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she
asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for
about twenty years - since my husband was alive."
------------------------------------------------------------
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," said the patient regretfully.
-------------------------------------------
A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty?"
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't think she was dead... I thought she was an American."
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17> The Devil Went Down to Compton
16> Illin', Chillin', 'n' Mesquite Grillin'
15> My Wife is Phatt and My Kidz are Stoopid!
14> All my Exes Drive Gold Lexuses
13> Muthaz, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Crackheads
12> Gettin' Jiggy with My Piggy
11> Take This Glock and Load it
10> I Got Tears in My Ears From When You Bitch Slapped Me
9> Mullet to the Head
8> A Boy Named Sue-Pac
7> Baby Got Pabst
6> Crop Killa
5> All My Ho's Live in Los Alamos
4> 2 Twangy 4 The Benjamins
3> She Put a Cap in My Transmission
and Now I'm Shiftless
2> Mama Said Knock You Up
1> My Bitch is a Country Without the
O, R, Y