Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
**************************************************
Ponderables...some
new, some old...
The
closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage
changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I
live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
I
saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Implants?"
I
don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing
up
really fast.
Sign
In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money
can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I
got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If
flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I
don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The
most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
There
are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
If
life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody
Marys. But if it deals you a
truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S
a
message!!
I
love being married. It's so great
to find that one special person you
want
to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping
tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I
am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I
married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!
Everyday
I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed
alive.
Two
peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.
Isn't
it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted
condom.
If
carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on
the
highway?
Welcome
To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
How
come we choose from just two people
to run for president and 50 for
Miss
America?
Why
is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The
next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal
probably
eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen
fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every
time I walk into a singles bar I
can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick
that up, you don't know where it's been!"
**************************************************
Signs
Your Co-Worker Takes Science Fiction WAY Too Seriously
12>
His cell phone rings the theme from "Close Encounters."
11>
Constantly musing, "What would Vader do?"
10>
Insists he's groping you because he's trying to perform a
"Vulcan slut meld."
9>
"Only two more auditing sessions and I'll finally be clear!"
8>
Gave his children names even he cannot pronounce.
7>
Always mutters something about probes and Uranus every time
you walk by. It damn well better be science fiction.
6>
Can you really "set the fax machine on stun?"
I don't
think so.
5>
He's the only one jockeying to take off the Klingon holidays.
4>
No longer able to engage in Kirk vs. Picard debates due to
restraining order.
3>
Says, "He's Dead, Jim" when he cuts into the prime rib
at lunch.
2>
Camps outside his cubicle 48 hours before the latest
"Star Wars" trailer is released online.
1>
Enters elevator, strikes a pose, and yells "Energize!"
as the doors close.
A
primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids
knew
what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put
their
hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who
knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindy
put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"
"Very
good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa!"
answered Jimmy.
She
continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does
a
pig make?"
All
the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at
the
back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and
screamed,
"Up against the wall, mother-fucker!"
How
do you get an ex dot-commer CEO off your doorstep?
Pay
him for the pizza delivery.....
**************************************************
Quotations
From Ambrose Bierce:
"An
acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from
but
not enough to lend to."
"An
ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office
from
the people, is given one by the Administration on condition
that
he leave the country."
"A
violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat."
Peace
(n): In international affairs, a period of cheating between
two
periods of fighting.
"Death
is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
"All
are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called
a
philosopher."
"A
grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of
the
medical student."
"Love
is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Saint
(n): A dead sinner revised and edited.
"An
archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than
a
bishop."
Latin
Phrases to help you through the day...
You
never know when a little conversational Latin might come
in
handy. Toward that end I've dug up a few Latin Phrases
for
you to familiarize yourself with...
Non
calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's
not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di!
Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God,
look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Lex
clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The
designated hitter rule has got to go.
Sentio
aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I
think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Caesar
si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If
Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Quantum
materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax
materiam
possit materiari?
How
much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck
wood?
(At
a barbeque)
Animadvertistine,
ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever
noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into
your
face?
Neutiquam
erro.
I
am not lost.
Hocine
bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do
I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Vah!
Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo
elabitur.
Oh!
Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just
sort
of slips out.
***
"The
guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy
who
invented the other three, HE was a genius." -Sid Caesar
***
"You're
always a little disappointing in person because you
can't
be the edited essence of yourself." --Mel Brooks
***
"I
had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt
pretty
good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon
as
the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my
mortality."
-Mitch Hedberg
One
way to get things done....
A
man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in
the
garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that
he
hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were
people
in the shed, stealing things.
He
rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so
no-one
was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to
30
and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago
because
there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about
them
now, I've just shot them all."
Within
five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an
Armed
Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed.
One
of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot
them!"
He
replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"
A
teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes
was
overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress
like
this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere
with
them."
A
guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't
stop
singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds
like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is
it common?"
"Well,
it's not unusual."