Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
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Greatest
Book Titles (Suggestions for Holiday gifts?)
NATIONS
1) Canadian Tips on World Dominance
2) A Guide to Arab Democracies
3) Fat-free German Cooking
4) English Tanning Secrets
5) A Guide to Swiss Beaches
6) Spicy Irish Cooking
7) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns
8) Great Cars of Russia
9) Advances in Chinese Human Rights
PERSONALITIES
1) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
2) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
3) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
MISCELLANY
1) Easy UNIX
2) Popular Lawyers
3) Career Opportunities for History Majors
4) Different Ways to Spell "BOB"
5) Everything Men Know About Women
6) The Amish Phone Book
7) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan
8) Gypsy Sports Heroes
9) Staple Your Way to Success
10) Around the World in a Peugeot
News
headlines from the year 2035
Castro
finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally
but
President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted
Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last
remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan
still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least
ten
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George
Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35
year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing
home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with
candy
striper.
Texas
executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming
NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby
conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic
year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone
created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average
height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft
announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it
crashes
BEFORE installation is completed.
New
California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and
baseball
bats be registered by January 2036.
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A
guy goes to visit a newly divorced friend. He says, "Why is
there
a tampon on top of your TV?"
His
friend says, "It's there to remind me of the cunt who took
my
VCR."
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------------------------
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in heaven? If so - will I have to apologize?
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom if ever smell each
other?
Where are their priorities?
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never
bless
mine,
so...I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have
you
noticed
my blessing?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch or is it the same old
story?
Dear
Friends,It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:
Please
join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury
spokesman.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy
was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned
out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch.The
gravesite was piled high with flours.
As
long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy
as
a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered
a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty
old
man, was considered a roll model for millions.Toward the end it was
thought
he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy
is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and
Jane
Dough; plus they had one in the oven.
He
is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The
funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
According
to the Alaska Department of Fish and
Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow
antlers
in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late
November to mid-December. Female
reindeer
retain
their antlers till after they give birth in
the
spring. Therefore, according to
every historical
rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one
of
them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We
should've
known. Only women would be able to
drag a
fat-ass
man in a red velvet suit all around the world
in
one night and not get lost.
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Signs
the U.S. Economy is in a Recession
16>
Top5 lists getting progressively less funny as volunteer
writers have to actually worry about keeping their day
jobs.
15>
Your boss has been spotted walking through the office
muttering "eennie, meenie, minie, mo..."
14>
The markets have been so bearish they're now looking for
unattended pick-a-nic baskets.
13>
Poorer Klan members forced to experiment with disposable
diaper headgear.
12>
The CEO has downsized to just the one mistress.
11>
To jumpstart the NYC economy, Mayor Giuliani orders the
return of "Cats" to Broadway.
10>
"Who Wants Regis Philbin's Loose Change?"
9>
Stale, 30-year-old hard candy in the bowl at Grandma's
now 25 cents apiece.
8>
Several self-employed people forced to lay themselves off.
7>
Soccer moms actually take *two* kids to practice at once
in the Excursion.
6>
Amazon.com downgrades its name to SissyGirl.com.
5>
Daily dilemma: Spend the 49 cents to supersize or to buy
49 shares of Cisco.
4>
Gang members seen picking up shell cases for re-use after
every drive-by.
3>
PBS fundraisers featuring considerably more cleavage.
2>
You don't seriously believe Jordan came out of retirement
just for the love of the game, do you?
1>
When E.F. Hutton speaks, you reply, "Yes, I would like fries
with that."
I
am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.
After
I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to
the
emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and
weight,
and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While
the nurse pondered over this information, my mother
leaned
over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is
not
the Internet."
Once
upon a time, there were four people; Their names were
Everybody,
Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.
Whenever
there was an important job to be done, Everybody was
sure
that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody
did it.
When
Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was
Everybody's
job.
Everybody
thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized
that
Nobody would do it.
So
consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody
could have done in the first place.