Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
In
a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for
his
son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He
takes
him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by
a
beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam and
explains
that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The
madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the
years,
I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam takes
Billy
Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes
his
deflowering.
Later,
as they are walking downstairs, the madam says, "Since
this
is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full
treatment
before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two
weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the
main
street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam
smiles
and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes
ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the
crabs,
then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
When
Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone
who would listen. But her
4-year-old son overheard some
of
her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and
her
4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he
was
excited about the new baby.
"Yes!"
the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to
name
it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina,
and
if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
A
duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The
bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I
see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And
you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I
see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have
my
beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly,"
says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
way?"
"I'm
working on the building site across the road," explains the
duck.
So
the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the
bartender
tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!"
says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So
the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,
"Hey,
Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good
money!"
"Yeah?"
says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At
the circus" says the bartender.
"The
circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's
right," replies the bartender.
"The
circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?
With
the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks
the
duck.
"That's
right!" says the bartender.
The
duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want
with
a plasterer?"
Jim
and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.
When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered
her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
be
mentally stable.
When
he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad
news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to
jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your
senses.
"The
bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe
belt
in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."
Mary
replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
One
night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had
imbibed
a little too much at an office reception. Although
this
was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it
to
his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The
next night the man and his wife were driving to a res-
taurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel
shoe
half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to
be
conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out
her
window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out
of
the car.
With
a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking
lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her
seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
"Oh,
you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet
at
the bar." -Drew Carey
Stuck
in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored.
He
sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation,
turned
to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in
the
Congress . . "
"Stop
-- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!"
interrupted
the bartender.
A
few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about
the
Pope ... "
"No
religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
One
more try to break the boredom..." I thought the
Yankees
would..."
"No
sports talk...That's how fights start in bars." the barman said.
"Look,
how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"
"Sure."
"Good.
Go fuck yourself."
Things
a *Real* 12 Year Old Wizard Would Do
After
the introduction of Harry Potter in the latest movies,
Things
a *Real* 12 Year Old Wizard Would Do
16>
Turn that owl into a Hooters waitress
15>
Change Mom into supermodel Heidi Klum, but only for a few
seconds at a time. Drive Dad
nuts!
14>
Screw thumbtacks -- put a T-Rex in the teacher's chair!
13>
Use mystical powers to get school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau
to sleep with you. Then
again, regular kid powers might do
the trick.
12>
Bring about world peace -- through brutal domination with his
minions of large-breasted, booger-firing KoolAidMan-bots
11>
Grow pubes
10>
Make sure he doesn't develop carpal tunnel from spending too
much time "polishing the magic wand"
9>
Dad's salary: $54,000; Young wizard's allowance: $212,000
8>
Replace quavery voice with authoritative James Earl Jones
version. For that matter,
why stop at the voice?
7>
In the middle of the concert, impress his friends by casting
a "Britney Blouse Removal" spell
6>
Brussels sprouts turn into s'mores the second they hit the
plate.
5>
Figure out the best place to put the baseball cards in a
broom to make cool motor sounds
4>
Emergency Embarrassing Erection Elimination
3>
Try not to tarnish his reputation. (Oops!
That's what a
38 year old Wizard coming out of retirement would do!)
2>
Perform a widespread "nylon-to-cotton-candy" transformation
at the girls' swim meet
1>
"I wish I were big -- and not the Tom Hanks kind of big,
but the Tommy Lee kind of big."
**
Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.
**
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't
hurt.
**
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It
drives the neighbor's dog
nuts!
**
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
**
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
**
A penny saved is a government oversight.
**
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
**
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your
body and your fat are really good friends.
**
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
**
He who hesitates is probably right.
**
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
**
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really
in trouble.
**
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and
"IRS" together
it
spells "THEIRS"?
**************************************************
How
To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
How
To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity (My personal favorite is #19!)
1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they
slow down.
2.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
4.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over
their
caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8.
Don't use any punctuation marks
9.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12.
Sing along at the opera.
13.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14.
Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds
all day.
15.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because
you're not in the mood.
16.
Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17.
When the money comes out the ATM, scream I won!", "I won!"
"3rd time
this
week!!!!!"
18.
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run
for your lives, they're loose!!"
19.
Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to
have
to let one of you go."
And
the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20.
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it
to
you first.