Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************************
Today
marks the 100th anniversary of the birth of Walt Disney, founder of
the Disney
empire.
15 Ways to
Celebrate Walt Disney's 100th Birthday
15> Stand in
lines at Disneyland until *you* turn 100.
14> Annoy
the Magic Mirror by asking "Do these pants make my
butt look big?"
13> Divert a
few of those cruise missiles from Afghanistan over
to "It's a Small World."
12>
Commemorative jump-from-cake/lap dance by Minnie Mouse.
11> Give
your girlfriend a ride on the ol' Matterhorn... but
be sure to make her wait in line for 45 minutes first.
10> Go to
Times Square to watch Walt's frozen head drop at
midnight.
9>
Put "Bedknobs & Broomsticks" in the VCR, turn sound down,
crank up Dark Side of the Moon.
8>
Same as every day: Go to your favorite bar dressed as the
eighth dwarf, "Horny."
7>
Just for grins, add Walt's decomposed corpse to the Haunted
Mansion ride.
6>
Finally release forgotten masterpiece "101 Angry Rottweilers."
5>
Find an innocent child whose youthful imagination is undimmed
by adult concerns, turn him upside down and shake all the
change out of his pockets.
4>
Thrash those pasty-faced Pixar pantywaists in annual tequila
slammer competition.
3>
Have a "Donald Day" and wear a sailor shirt with no pants.
2>
"Lovely party, and that ice sculpture looks EXACTLY like Walt
-- OH, MY GOD!!!"
1>
Make your underpants the Happiest Place on Earth by dressing
up the little Grand Marshall and having your own Pants Parade.
With winter
coming on, here's an important tip that'll save
you some money:
How do you turn
a washing machine into a snow plow?
Answer:
Give the bitch a shovel.
******************************************************
Q: Hear about
the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave
it, it's Beaver."
******************************************************
Mary had a
little skirt
Split right up
the sides,
And every time
she wore that skirt
The boys could
see her thighs.
She also had
another skirt
Split right up
the front
But she never
wore that one
The Father,
passing thru the son's college town late one night
on a business
trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to
the boy.
Arriving at the
fraternity house, he knocked on the door.
After several
minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted
down from a
second floor window. "Whaddya want?"
"Does
Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!"
replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and
we'll take care
of him in the morning."
You know that
all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr.
and Mrs. Potato had eyes
for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato,
whom they
called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it
was time, they
told her about the facts of life. They
warned her about
going out and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad
name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots.
Yam said not to
worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten
potato out of
her! But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become
a Couch Potato,
either. She would get plenty of
exercise so as not to be
skinny like her
Shoestring
cousins.
When she went
off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs.
Potato told Yam to watch out for
the hard-boiled
guys from Ireland. And the greasy
guys from France called
the French
Fries.
And when she
went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get
scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with
those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side
of the
tracks who
advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr.
and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.
U. (that's Potato
University)
So that when
she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of
all they did
for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to
marry Tom
Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs.
Potato were very upset. They
told Yam she
couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Common Tater.
The Tail of The
Sturgeon
Once upon a
time there was a brilliant sturgeon on the
staff of the
Community Health Fishility. In fact he was
one of its
flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow,
he would never
shrimp from his responsibilities. In
short, he was
happy and successful and always whistled a
happy tuna.
Then one day, a
patient -- a mere whipper snapper -- told
the sturgeon
that his medical theories were full of abalone.
He trouted all
over town telling people that the sturgeon's
treatments had
made him more eel than before. Finally, he
conched the
sturgeon with a malpractice suit.
The sturgeon
realized he was in a real pickerel. The board
demanded his
oyster and chased him off the staff. But because
the case smelt
to high heaven, the judge finaliy denied the
plaintiff's
clam, where upon the board tried to hire the
sturgeon back.
Alas, he had
started hitting the bottlenose pretty hard and
the end of our
shad tale is that the sturgeon finally wound
up on squid
roe.
13> Easy
tutorial helps users count past 6.0.
12> NOW WITH
Mixed CASE!
11> Ads
promising penis enlargement are conveniently stored in
their own *special* file.
10> Now only
sucks out three-quarters of your soul.
9>
Pop-ups! More Pop-ups! Oh
wait, that's actually true and
it's not funny at all.
8>
Buddy List automatically includes Larry King, whether you
want him or not.
7>
Identifies the best porn on the Internet so you know
precisely which sites to, um, avoid.
6>
"Click Here to Admit You Have No Idea How This Works."
5>
Automatically filters out all email from Hormel Foods, Inc.
We're not sure why, but users seem to want it.
4>
Pedophiles now 50% creepier!
3>
Uninstalling AOL is now as easy as tossing your computer
in the dumpster and buying a new one.
2>
Links to stuff. AOL keyword: stuff.
1>
Can now be installed rectally.
***
"Higher
beings from outer space may not want to tell us the
secrets of
life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll
change their
tune after a little torture." --Jack Handey
***
"I read
recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and
think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
--Rita
Rudner
***
"It might
look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm
really quite busy." -Unknown
One day, an ape
escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched
for him
everywhere in every borough. They announced his
disappearance
on the radio and television as well as in the
newspapers, but
no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, the
ape was found in the New York Public Library.
Officials of
the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned
to the library.
They found the ape sitting at a desk in the
reading room
with two books spread out in front of him. The
ape was reading
with great concentration. One book was the
Bible; the
other was a book written by Darwin.
The zookeepers
asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape
replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my
brother's
keeper or my keeper's brother."
"If this
keeps up, our team picture this year will be an X-ray."
---Football
coach John Cooper on Arizona State's many injuries.
"I'm
shocked and disappointed that an illegal substance would
be in my
body."
---Jacksonville
Jaguars receiver Jimmy Smith, denying that he
used using
cocaine after the Florida state attorney's office
disclosed that
the four-time Pro Bowl selection had tested
positive for
the drug.
"Yeah, but
I love you more than football and basketball."
---Tommy
Lasorda, after his wife accused him of loving baseball
more than her.
The
young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and
demanded $20
for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused
state, he
readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years, with him
thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very
drunken state.
Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of
financial ruin,
caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50
year old
executive.
Nonplussed, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local
hospital.
Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned the
land it was
built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent.
She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years
totalling
nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she
gestured toward
the local bank, while handing him stock certificates worth
nearly $2
million dollars, and informing him that he was the largest
stockholder in
the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him
each time they
had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the
car. She asked
him why he was so upset in light of such good news.
He tearfully responded, "If only I had known what you were doing all
these years, I
would have given you all of my business!"