Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
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capitonym (KAP-i-toh-NIM)
noun
A word that changes pronunciation and meaning when it is capitalized.
As in the following poems:
Job's Job
In August, an august patriarch
Was reading an ad in Reading, Mass.
Long-suffering Job secured a job
To polish piles of polish brass.
Herb's Herbs
An herb store owner, name of Herb,
Moved to a rainier Mount Rainier.
It would have been so nice in Nice,
And even tangier in Tangier.
aptronym (AP-troh-NIM)
noun
A name that is especially suited to the profession of its owner.
Examples: Dan Druff for a barber, Felicity Foote for a dance teacher, and
James Bugg for an exterminator -- all real monikers. More famously, we
have William Wordsworth, the poet; Margaret Court, the tennis champion;
Sally Ride, the astronaut; Larry Speakes, the White House spokesperson,
Jim Kiick, the football star; and Lorena Bobbitt ("bob it") the
you-know-what-er.
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***
"I have
two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph
of Norman
Rockwell beating up a child." -Steven Wright
***
"At the
gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did
the bench
press. What did he mean? "Spotting" for someone
means you stand
over him while he blows air up your shorts.
It's an
accepted practice at health clubs; though if you
find that it
becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably
ought to reevaluate your exercise program."
--Unknown
***
"The
Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind
them of Leonid
Brezhnev." -Robin Williams
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Upcoming
Movies Starring Dead Actors
A
*new* Bruce Lee movie is being made using a computer-generated Bruce
created by
examining his old movies. It will
be called "Dragon Lord"
(although I
prefer "Disinter the Dragon" myself).
This will be a
regular trend in the future -- expect to start seeing new
movies starring
John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, etc. on a
regular basis.
What movies
might we expect from dead actors?
Upcoming Movies
Starring Dead Actors
17> Chris
Farley -- "Mummy Boy"
16> Shirley
MacLaine -- "Dead Again... and Again... and Again..."
15> Abbott
& Costello -- "Abbott & Costello Meet Saint Peter"
14> Jack
Lemon and Walter Matthau -- "The Dead Couple"
13> James
Dean -- "Rebel Without A Pulse"
12> John
Belushi -- "Animal Hearse"
11> John
Holmes -- "The Right Stiff"
10> Henry
Fonda -- "12 Gamey Men"
9>
Burt Lancaster -- "From Eternity to Here"
8>
Marilyn Monroe -- "Some Like It Cold"
7>
Fred Astaire -- "Tails from the Crypt"
6>
Spencer Tracey -- "Guess Who Ain't Coming to Dinner?"
5>
Jessica Tandy -- "Driving Up Daisies"
4>
John Belushi, John Candy and Chris Farley -- "Porkies"
3>
River Phoenix -- "Indiana Jones and the Big Dirt Nap"
2>
Phil Hartman -- "So I Married an Axe Murderer"
1>
Vic Morrow -- "Dude, Where's My Head?"
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"The
only differences between
lawyers and
prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally better
looking and
more honest about how they make a living."
~~~~~~
Did you know
that rearranging the letters of "Osama Bin
Laden"
gives "A damn, alien S.O.B" and "Old man in a base"
and that
rearranging the letters of "George Bush" gives "He
bugs
Gore"?!
...
"At first
I thought my life was going around in circles.
Then I took a
closer look and realized it's actually a
downward
spiral." -Tom Ryan
***
"The
English are not very spiritual people, so they invented
cricket to give
them some idea of eternity." -George Bernard
Shaw
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Chocolate is a
Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean =
vegetable.
Sugar is
derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants,
which places
them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate
is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars
also contain
milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered
raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
If you've got
melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.
The problem:
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
car. The
solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a
chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off
your appetite,
and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal
amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has
many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Put "eat
chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
at least you'll
get one thing done.
A nice box of
chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Now,
isn't that handy?
REMEMBER:
"Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts".
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Worst
Toys This Holiday Season
16> Big
Wheel Zamboni
15> Rock 'em
Sock 'em "Springer" Guests
14>
"Super Happy Fun Sticks" -- From the fine people at
The Altria Group
13> G.I. Joe
and G.I. Dave Don't Ask, Don't Tell action figures
12> Walt
Disney's "101 Hurricane Names" Video
11> My First
Meth Lab
10> Lil'
Scientist Home Anthrax Lab
9>
Hasbro Bucket o' Broken Glass
8>
Wal-Mart Barbie, complete with tube top, NASCAR back tattoo,
and sixth toe
7>
Larry King's Plastic Ass-Kissin' Lips
6>
MacGyver Action Hero Kit -- 3 paperclips, a bent spoon and
some toenail clippings
5>
Plant 'n' Watch Grass
4>
John Ashcroft Junior G-Man Kit -- with Constitution shredder!
3>
The Package That's Exactly the Same Size and Weight as an
X-Box But Turns Out to Contain a Pair of Sensible Brown Slacks
2>
Rubik's Pube
1>
"My First Time" Britney Spears Life-Size Anatomically Correct
Action Figure
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Two church
members were going door to door. They
knocked on the
door of a woman who clearly was not happy
to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did
not want to
hear their message and then slammed the door
in their faces.
To her
surprise, the door did not close. In
fact, it bounced
back open.
She tried
again, really put her back into the job, and
slammed the
door again.
Same results.
The door bounced back like it was made of
Silly Putty.
Convinced one
of these rude church members was sticking
a foot in the
door, she reared back to give the door a slam
that would
teach them a lesson.
Just then, one
of the church members said, "Ma'am, before
you do that
again, you might want to move your cat."
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Ski season is
here! Hence, the following list of exercises to
get you
prepared:
16. Visit your
local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-
in freezer for
a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to
warm up.
15. Soak your
gloves and store them in the freezer after
every use.
14. Fasten a
small, wide rubber band around the top half of
your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear
glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared
on the lenses.
12. Throw away
a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the
nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20
times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory
bag and poles.
Pretend you are looking for your car.
Sporadically
drop things.
10. Place a
small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them
with crushed
ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your
toes.
9. Buy a new
pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one
of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to
run into you at
high speed.
7. Go to
McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a
hamburger. Be
sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift
ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly
for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's
in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a
blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it
melts. Let it
drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in
as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your
thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all
of the above every Saturday and Sunday until
it's
time for the real thing!
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Longevity, n.
Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Litigation, n.
A machine which you go into a pig and come out of
as a sausage.
---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary