Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
***
Two sisters had
been given parts in a Christmas pageant at
their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument
as to who had
the most important role.
Finally the
12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister,
"Well, you
just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to
be a virgin
than it is to be an angel!"
***
"What I
don't like about office Christmas parties is looking
for a job the
next day." --Phyllis Diller
***
"How about
giving them some herbs for Christmas? After all
there is no
present like the thyme."
The Top 10
Holiday Songs For Pets
10> I Saw
Mommy Sniffing Santa's Crotch
9> I Tawt I
Taw Tree Ships. I Did! I Did!
8> O Comb
All Ye Hairballs
7> The
Little Drummer-on-the-Glass
6> Walkies
In A Winter Wonderland
5> O Little
Town Of Habitrail
4> What Pile
Is This?
3> Away In a
Kennel
2> Do You
Smell What I Smell?
and the Number
1 Holiday Song For Pets...
1> It's
Beginning to Look a Lot Like Kittens
RUNNERS UP list
Adeste Fidos
All I Want for
Christmas Is My Two Balls Back
Bark! The
Herald Airedales Sing
Carol of the
Can Openers
God Rest Ye
Merry, Gentle Ben
O Howly Night
O Litter Pan of
Boots and Sam
Silver Bells
(And Other Stuff You Can Knock Off the Tree)
Squatting In a
Litter Box of Sand
Violent Bite
-------------
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the
first,
"but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it! Every one of the recipes began the same way:
'Take a clean dish and....' "
-------------
Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle
of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his
flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink.
The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began
tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale.
"That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
A young doctor
had moved out to a small community to replace a
doctor who was
retiring. The older gent suggested the young one
accompany him
on his rounds so the community could become used
to a new
doctor.
At the first
house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick
to my
stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably
been overdoing
the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount
you've been
eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left
the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that
woman. How'd
you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't
have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the
floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half
dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what was probably
making her
sick."
"Huh,"
the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try
that at the
next house."
Arriving at the
next house, they spent several minutes talking
with an elderly
woman. She complained that she just didn't have
the energy she
once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've
probably been doing too much work for the church," the
younger doctor
told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and
see if that
helps."
As they left,
the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost
certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well,
just like you at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope.
When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the
preacher under
the bed."
17> Bomb
Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head
16> Ain't No
Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves
15> Taliban
on the Run
14>
Jalalabad Moon Risin'
13> Fifty
Ways to Leave Your Bunker
12>
Freebeard
11> Allah
Said Knock You Out
10> The
Goatest Love of All
9>
Don't Cry for Me, Al Qaeda
8>
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Cut Off Her Hands
and Publicly Stoned Her to Death)
7>
Meet'yer Mak'er
6>
Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer
5>
Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy
4>
The Night They Drove Ol' Dickhead Down
3>
He Ain't Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone's Going to
Have to Carry His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance
2>
(Shittin' in the) Back of the Cave
1>
Cheney's Got a Gun
A Hebrew
teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people
have observed
their 5,759th year as a people.
Consider that
the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd
year as a
people. Now what does it mean to you?"
After a moment
of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David,"
the teacher
said. "What does it mean?"
"Well,"
David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food
for 1,067
years."
I
think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner
peace was to
finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato
chips, a lemon
pie, a fifth of Crown Royal and a small box of chocolate
candy. I feel
better already.
Pass
this along to those who need it.
These are
actual quotes by Commentators at various sporting events.
"This is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it
was
amazing."
- Pat Glenn -
Weightlifting Commentator
"This is
really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
- Ted Walsh -
Horse Racing Commentator
"The lead
car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical."
- Murray Walker
"I owe a
lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Greg Norman
"Sure
there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious."
- Alan Minter
"If
history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again"
- Terry
Venables
"He
dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their
faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"Ah, isn't
that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford
crew."
- Harry
Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977
"Julian
Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."
- Metro Radio
"There
goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing
his
class."
- David Coleman
at the Montreal Olympics
"One of
the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before
each tee-shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God,
what have I
just said?"
- Stu Nahan,
USTV Commentator