Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
"Dear Lord,
I go to work
every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our
bodies."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose,
1. cooked breakfast for his mate,
2. awakened the kids,
3. set out their school clothes,
4. fed them breakfast,
5. packed their lunches,
6. drove them to school,
7. came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
8. took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
9. went grocery shopping,
10. then drove home to put away the groceries,
11. pay the bills and balance the check book.
12. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was
already
1 p.m. and
13. he hurried to make the beds,
14. do the laundry,
15. vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
16. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way
home.
17. Set out cookies and milk and
18. got the kids organized to do their homework, then
19. set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30
20. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
21. breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
supper
22. he cleaned the kitchen,
23. ran the dishwasher,
24. folded laundry,
25. bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m.
26. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he
went to bed
where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get
through
without complaint.
The
next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong
to envy my
wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade
back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned your
lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Comments
on our pretzel eating president:
Headline seen:
"Leader of the United States Doesn't Swallow"
I don't believe
the whole choking on a pretzel thing. I bet
George Junior
was actually beat up by some visiting third
grader whose
father's life savings was robbed by his buddies
at Enron.
I heard the
pres was wearing makeup to de-emphasize the
bruise... I
wonder, does he wear fishnet stockings, too?
News Flash:
"Mistress
Laura gets Carried Away in White House Sex Dungeon"
Maybe George
was a little too eager to snort that next line
of coke and
banged his face on the mirror.
[Now that's funny.]
Ya think G.
Dubbya was bitch-slapped by his coke dealer when
he said he
didn't have any cash?
[Hey, it could happen.]
A guy asks his
waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter
says that
there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em
they're gonna
die.
When I was
young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that
God doesn't
work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for
forgiveness.
"I told my
wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get
better with
age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."
Michael the
Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a
long-standing
obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen Guinevere's
voluptuous
breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he
revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was
the King's
chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need
1,000 gold
coins to pay bribes."
Michael the
Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day
Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little
of it into the
Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she
dressed the
itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being
called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a
special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch,
and that tests
had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the
Dragon Master's
mouth.
King Arthur
summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial
command.
Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching
lotion, which
Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four
hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he
returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.
However, with
his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio
anything and
shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this
matter to the
King.
The next day,
Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion
onto King
Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again
summoned by the
King.
Moral of the
story: Pay your bills.
The boss of a
small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle
of a
particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who
understood the
benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose
of the meeting
was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra
advertising
slogans."
Dividing
into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad
slogans that
captured the essence of Viagra.
About
7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a
"Top Ten
List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well
for everyone.
10.
Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The
quicker pecker upper
8.
Viagra, Like a rock!
7.
Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6.
Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5.
Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4.
Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3.
Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2.
Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And
the unanimous number one slogan:
1.
This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
1.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.
How about never? Is never good for you?
4.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
14.
Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth so early into the
conversation?
15.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about your being
competent.
16.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.
What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
20.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
22.
Do I look like a people person?
24.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
25.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
27.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
28.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
33.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
34.
CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
35.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
After
the warm rain
the
sweet smell of camellias.
Did
you wipe your feet?
Her
lips near my ear,
Aunt
Sadie whispers the name
of
her friend's disease.
Looking
for pink buds
to
prune, the old moyel
wanders
among his flowers.
Today
I am a man.
Tomorrow
I will return
to
the seventh grade.
Harsh
Scrabble discord--
someone
has placed "putzhead" on
a
triple word score.
Testing
the warm milk
on
her wrist, she sighs softly.
But
her son is forty.
The
sparkling blue sea
reminds
me to wait an hour
after
my sandwich.
Tea
ceremony--
fragrant
steam perfumes the air.
Try
the cheese Danish.
Lacking
fins or tail
the
gefilte fish swims with
great
difficulty.
A
cat steals into
the
night just like my former
partner,
that gonif.
Yom
Kippur-- Forgive
me,
Lord, for the Mercedes
and
all that lobster.
My
nature journal --
today,
I saw some trees and birds.
I
should know the names?
Like
a bonsai tree,
your
terrible posture at
my
dinner table.
Beyond
Valium
the
peace of knowing one's child
is
an internist.
Jews
on safari --
map,
compass, elephant gun,
hard
sucking candies.
Coroner's
report --
"The
deceased, wearing no hat,
caught
his death of cold."
The
same kimono
the
top geishas are wearing:
got
it at Loehmann's.
The
sparrow brings home
too
many worms for her young.
"Force
yourself," she chirps.
Jewish
triathlon:
gin
rummy, then contract bridge,
followed
by a nap.
"Can't
you just leave it?"
the
new Jewish mother asks --
umbilical
cord.
The
shivah visit:
so
sorry about your loss.
Now
back to my problems.
Our
youngest daughter,
our
most precious jewel.
Hence
the name, Tiffany.
Mom,
please! There is no
need
to put that dinner roll
in
your pocketbook.
Seven-foot
Jews in
the
NBA slam-dunking!
My
alarm clock rings.
Concert
of car horns
as
we debate the question
of
when to change lanes.
Sorry
I'm not home
to
take your call. At the tone
please
state your bad news
Is
one Nobel Prize
so
much to ask from a child
after
all I've done?
Would-be
convert lost--
thawed
Lender's Bagels made a
bad
first impression.
Today,
mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow,
so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day
forecast-feh
Yenta.
Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel.
Shlimazl. Tochis.
Oy!
To be fluent!
Quietly
murmured
at
Saturday services,
Yanks
5, Red Sox 3.
Lonely
mantra of
the
Buddhist monk--"They never
call,
they never write."
The
long pilgrimage
to
the venerable shrine -
Leonard's
of Great Neck.
A
lovely nose ring --
excuse
me while I put my
head
in the oven.
Left
the door open
for
the Prophet Elijah.
Now
our cat is gone.
A number of
years ago at UCLA Coach Pepper Rogers was having a terrible
football
season. People were hissing him and
booing him from the stands. It
affected his
family life. He went home and he
said to his wife, "Honey, I
only have one
friend in the world and it's my dog. And I need two friends.
She laughed,
and bought him another dog.
20
Little-Known Terrorist Organizations
20> Al
Quesadilla -- fighting for Mexican cheese appetizers
19> B.R.A.
(Banana Republican Army) -- khaki-wearing freedom
fighting yuppies
18>
International House of Paramilitarism -- No attacks before
breakfast!
17> Al Shamu
-- whales fighting for liberation of their
Seaworld-captive brethren
16> Ku Klutz
Klan -- clumsy cross-burning rednecks
15> Kabob-aloos
-- Cuban freedom fighters armed only with skewers
14> The IRAs
-- little nebbish guys who annoy the hell out of
people, with pants hiked high to conceal their Glocks
13> El
McPherson -- band of crazed-from-hunger Supermodels
12> The
Moulin Rouge -- French Communist song and dance troupe
11> The
Spanish Imposition -- Your Tia Josephina comes for a
visit, stays for a month, and lounges around all day
watching Spanish soap operas with the TV volume blasting.
10> Al Kato
-- freeloading houseguests who move in and eat all
your food
9>
The Talibananarama -- spreading the message of bad British
'80s dance music
8>
Hamina-hamina-hamas -- freedom fighters for Jackie Gleason
7>
Balsamic Jihad -- fundamentalist food critics
6>
"Weird Al" Qaeda -- attacking the capitalist, American
government by spreading their revolutionary message in the
form of a rousing polka medley
5>
The Black Pansies -- black-gloved horticulturists
4>
Yeehaw Jihad -- "The Cowboys of Chaos"