Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
___________________________
Rejected Names for Anti-Impotence Drugs
15> Menicillin
14> Schwanzenhance
13> Wood 'n' Plenty
12> Chubbie Delight
11> BoneRite
10> Penochio
9> Presidentia
8> PharmaFluffer
7> Schwingicin-D
6> Wang Shui
5> Limpbegone
4> Erextacy
3> TriEthyl TriMary TriEthylagain
2> Phun-Phun
1> I Can't Believe It's Not Rigor Mortis!
************************************************
Bumper Stickers I wish I had (some old and some new):
1. Honk If You Want To See My Finger
2. CATS: The other white meat
3. Dain bramaged
4. Don't be sexist - broads hate that
5. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
6. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
7. Boldly going nowhere
8. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
10. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
11. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
12. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
13. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
14. I'm an imbecile and I vote
15. Money Isn't Everything...But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
16. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
17. Saw it ... Wanted it ... Had a fit ...Got it!
18. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
19. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
20. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
21. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot
22. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
23. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
24. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
25. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
26. JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!
27. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
28. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
29. Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
30. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
31. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
32. Grow your own dope, plant a man
33. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
34. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
35. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
36. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
37. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
38. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
39. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
40. All men are idiots....I married their king.
41. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
42. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
43. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
44. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
45. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
46. Hang up and drive.
47. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
48. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
49. Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
50. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
51. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
53. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
54. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
55. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
************************************************
So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement."
His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks,
"How do you spell 'pavement'?"
So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says,
"Head on the road."
************************************************
"Actual Graffiti In The Microsoft Bathroom"
1. Bill Gates Downloads Here
2. Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet
3. To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At The Same Time.
4. For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org
5. Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT.
6. MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? ... in the crapper!
7. Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!
8. Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked picture of her.
9. THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If something, Them goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
************************************************
Titles for a Movie About Elian Gonzalez
13> Bill and Fidel's Excellent Adventure
12> From Here to Paternity
11> Marisleysis on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
10> Elian ("On a raft, no one can hear you scream.")
9> Janet and the Amazing Multi-Cultural Lawsuit
8> E.G.
7> Three Thousand Relatives and a Baby
6> Bay of Pigs in the City
5> Blame It On Reno
4> The Hispanish Prisoner
3> Havana Can Wait
2> One Washed Into the Cuckoos' Nest
1> Raging Bullshit
************************************************
Dear John Letter Oooo, if it's not true, it's too good to pass up!
This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.
The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.
He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They're all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of "South Park".
Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier's wife, on her knees, giving the soldier's best friend oral sex.
After a few seconds, the best friend "does his business" and she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl of cookie dough.
The wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I want a divorce."
Now THAT'S a "Dear John" letter.
************************************************
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Well," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman.
"One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12" - to - 14" behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
************************************************
A blind man was standing outside when a dog came up to him.
The dog was sniffing him and all of a sudden he lifted his leg and peed on the man. So the man took some cookies out of his pocket to feed to the dog. A woman had seen this and asked the man why he felt the need to feed the dog cookies after it had peed on him.
He said "I have to find his mouth so I can kick his ass!"
************************************************
Translations of Celebrities' Chinese Tattoos
15> Robert Downey, Jr.: "If found, please call (310) 555-7452"
14> Backstreet Boys: "Millennium Vanilli"
13> Al Gore: "Man who looks and acts like bamboo"
12> John Rocker: "We are the world..."
11> Angelina Jolie: "Oh, Brother!"
10> Elian Gonzalez: "I rafted to America, and all I got was this
lousy Chinese character tattoo!"
9> Chuck Norris: "I don't know panda shit about martial arts."
8> Jennifer Lopez: "Does this tattoo make my butt look big?"
7> Mark Chamura: "Penetrates young defenses"
6> Calista Flockhart: "Needs more rice"
5> George W. Bush: "Confucius, he ain't"
4> David Arquette: "Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!"
3> Keanu Reeves: "Thick as the Great Wall itself"
2> Michael Jackson: "(c) 1991 Chiba-san Android Technologies,
Taiwan R.O.C."
************************************************
EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other ne."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't oming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for t."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-Minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
************************************************
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
************************************************
A father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. On the way out to the first tee they are joking, boasting, and cussing. This is very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a fine looking woman carrying her clubs approaches them. She explains that her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree.
Soon afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss in her presence. The lady then turns to the three of them and says, "Listen, boys, I don't care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game."
She then proceeds to tee off.
All eyes are on her butt she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for at least par on every hole.
When they get to the 18th green, she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "I want to thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I have never shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt. If any of your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a night of hot sex that you'll never forget."
The son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go into the cup."
Then, the father says, "Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole, and fall into the cup."
The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, "To hell with the putt, that's a Gimme."
************************************************
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
************************************************
Life isn't so bad after all...
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly.
"My ass itches, and I can't scratch it.
************************************************
A little old lady to the Judge, "Your Honor, I am 86 years old, So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels so good, your Honor, so I don't stop him. He begins to rub my old breasts, your Honor. Why your Honor I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, 'young man. Take me!'
Then he yelled, April Fool" and that's when I shot the son of a bitch."
************************************************
15 Surprises at This Year's Academy Awards Show
15> "...due to the theft of Billy Crystal, your host for
tonight's ceremonies is Regis Philbin."
14> It may have looked good on Jennifer Lopez but it's not
going to revive *your* career, Mr. Asner.
13> Special Lifetime Achievement Oscar given to the guy who
first uttered the phrase "Let's do lunch."
12> All winners given option of taking home the statuette or
Darva Conger.
11> To prevent a repeat of last year's near catastrophe, OSHA
requires that Roberto Benigni be securely duct taped to
his chair.
10> Jim Carrey, snubbed by the nominating committee, is only
a Man of 990 Faces when the camera sweeps past him.
9> Annette Benning reveals that the father of her baby is
actually Hillary Swank.
8> All presenters wearing tofu-colored ribbons, protesting the
exclusion of "Top 5 -- The Musical!" from Best Foreign Film
consideration.
7> Mid-show, Michael Douglas dumps old hag Catherine Zeta Jones
for that blonde chick from American Beauty.
6> *Still* no award for best Chinese translation of a
movie title.
5> Meryl Streep confessed that she stole the Oscar statutes so
she could complete her back-yard Oscar-army recreation of
the battle of Gettysburg.
4> Haley Joel Osment freaks out upon seeing Calista Flockhart.
3> Annual deceased star retrospective mistakenly included
Kathleen Turner.
2> Those statuettes may look shiny, but no amount of scrubbing
can eliminate "dumpster smell."
1> Thanks to Viagra, Jack Palance can now do *no-handed* push-ups.
************************************************
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "...and they screw you every time!"
************************************************
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their
35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them
for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered
none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the
meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this.
Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all
bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
************************************************
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem the park administrators noticed Joey a part-time redneck intern
responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Joey, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Joey was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Joey showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Joey announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Joey, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
************************************************
There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's
being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in
America. And the doll is anatomically correct.
Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think?
Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns
out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's nightmare?
************************************************
Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and
decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.
Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will
go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to
show Ray her best Southern hospitality. She agrees.
(Ray: This is why I like those Southern girls . . .)
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-
Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Bubba yells, "what are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern
hospitality."
Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's
balls are on the floor!"
************************************************
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that:
Electricians could be delighted, musicians denoted,
Cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Wouldn't you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming
depressed and depleted?
Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked, baseball players debased,
landscapers deflowered, bulldozer operators degraded, organ donors
delivered, software engineers detested, and underwear manufacturers
debriefed.
And won't all composers one day decompose?
On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.
************************************************
Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone," he was told.
"You can't afford not to hire me," Morris said. "I can sell
anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to
sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them
two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman," Morris said. "I can
sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires
a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get
urine samples."
Morris was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to
close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in
each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt
pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on
the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr.
Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a
state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a
group policy!"
************************************************
There ought to be a law against those porno movies.,
Can you believe that there are guys that would
actually, want their wives to do those things they show?
My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use
the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house?
Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have
never really grown up.
You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
Why don't you relax this weekend? I'll take care of the cooking
and housework.
************************************************
I'm sorry for leaving the toilet seat down, dear.
I don't see what the big deal about those Chippendale dancers is.
I prefer a man with some meat on his bones.
I was wrong ... you were right. I'm sorry I argued.
Forget Ally McBeal, let's watch Monday Night Football & have a
belching contest.
Just wear whatever you want to my parents'. You always look just
fine!
************************************************
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to
scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
************************************************
Nursery school teacher says to her class
"Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says "Sorry Amy but the sky can be gray
or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry but in the autumn the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and
asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of
course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
************************************************
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch..do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
************************************************
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so
ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off!
"The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.
"Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, policy said.
"The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through."
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.
"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days
prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. "I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the ornery oldster recalled.
"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."
Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in prison." Det. Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood."
************************************************
Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One looked at the other and
said, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other
than the market or any kind of business at all."
"Good idea, Sam. Let's talk about women."
"OK -- common or preferred?"
************************************************
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
************************************************
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed
a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of
respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed
it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and
placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee
fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted
his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it,
and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced
it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the
Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it,
lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are
you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking,
lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I
look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."
************************************************
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical.
He wife tags along. The doctor comes into the examination room and
says, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man being hard of hearing yells to his wife, "What did he say?"
"What's he need, what does he want?"
His wife yells back, " He said he needs your underwear."
************************************************
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
************************************************
Men are like --
Floor Tiles -- if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years
Bank Accounts -- without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest
Blenders -- you need one, but you're not quite sure why
Chocolate Bars -- sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Coffee -- the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Commercials -- you can't believe a word they say.
Computers -- hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Copiers -- you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Curling Irons -- they're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Cement -- after getting laid they take along time to get hard.
Government Bonds -- they take so long to mature.
High Heels -- they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Horoscopes -- they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Lava Lamps -- fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Mascara -- they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Parking Spots -- the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Popcorn -- they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Place Mats -- they only show up when there's food on the table.
Snow Storms -- you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
Used Cars -- both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Bank Machines -- once they withdraw they lose interest.
Bananas -- the older they get, the less firm they are.
Newborn Babies -- they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.
Crystal -- some look real good, but you can still see right through them.
Laxatives -- they irritate the shit out of you.
************************************************
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK? WELL.......
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND....
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE
PLAYED LAST!
************************************************
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
************************************************
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she
proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to
love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and
wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the
half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited
for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he
emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a
twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a
pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are
those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't
stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning
rubber!"
************************************************
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do,
only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
************************************************
** It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
** Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
** The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
** It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
** You can't have everything, where would you put it?
** Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
** If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
** The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
** Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
** Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
** Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
** As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
** When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
** A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
** It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
** I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
** I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
** When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
** Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.