Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
*****************************************************
A visiting
professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on
the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many
people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their
hands.
"Well
that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you
think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their
hands.
"That's
really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever
talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a
great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students
raise their
hands.
"That's
fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of
you ever made
love to a ghost?"
One student in
the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He
takes off
glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all
the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have slept
with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about
your
experience."
The redneck
student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and
begins to make
his way up to the podium.
The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
Ghost."
The student
replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said `goats`."
*****************************************************
Seven
bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what
drinks were
chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost all
counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK:
Drink: Beer.
Personality :
Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach :
Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender
drinks with umbrella.
Personality :
Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach :
Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed
drinks - no umbrellas
Personality :
Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If
she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine -
(bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality :
Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try
and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Bacardi
Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality :
Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has
absolutely no
clue.
Approach : Make
her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Drink :
Baileys.
Personality :
Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach :
Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Drink : Shots
(Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality :
Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach :
Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
IF MEN DRINK *
As always, very simple and clear cut.
Ciders : He's
probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic
Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local
Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's
old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer :
He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Guinness : The
man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Wine : He's
hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image and help
him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate to
get laid.
Port : Thinks
he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get
laid.
Whisky : He
doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who
will get in his
way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels :
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into
getting laid.
Tequila : Likes
fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer,
Smirnoff ice, Archers Schnapps, etc : He's gay (Blatantly).
*****************************************************
Billy Bob moved
to Chicago from Paducah.. One night in late November the
weather man
announced there would be 5 to 7 inches of snow overnight and
you should park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street. Billy Bob
said,
"Jeez, snow," and dutifully moved his car.
A few nights
later the news report said there would be 8 to 10 inches of
snow and cars
should be parked on the even-numbered side of the street.
"Jeez,
more snow," Billy Bob said and moved his car.
A week and a
half later Billy Bob and Mama were watching the 10 O'clock
news during a
new snowstorm and the reporter said there would be 18 inches
of snow by
morning and you should park your car..... at which point the
power went off.
Billy Bob
didn't know where to put the car so he asked Mama what she
thought. After
a short hesitation and a long gulp of beer she said,
"Shoot,
why not just take a chance and leave it in the garage this time?"
*****************************************************
Queen
Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go
before
the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day, so the angel must
decide
which of them gets in. The
angel asks Dolly if there's some
particular
reason
why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and
says,
"Look at these. They're the
most perfect breasts God ever created,
and
I'm
sure It will please God to be able to see them every day, for
eternity."
The
angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of
her
purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
The
angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly
is outraged. "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's
own
perfect creations and you turn me down.
She performs a rude act of
hygiene
and she gets in. Can you
explain that to me?"
"Sorry,
Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats
two
of a kind."
*****************************************************
TV
Shows Sponsored By Hard Liquor
The NBC
television network has decided to accept ads for hard liquor, making
it the first
major broadcaster to run distilled spirits ads in about 50
years.
TV Shows
Sponsored By Hard Liquor
17>
JAGermeister
16>
Everybody Loves Rehab
15>
N.Y.P.D.B.Y.O.B.
14> Absolut
Fabulous
13> Touched
By a Hangover
12> Boston
Public Lewdness
11> Little
"On the House" on the Prairie
10> The
Bacardi Bunch
9>
Whose Lime Is It Anyway?
8>
S*M*A*S*H*E*D
7>
Who Wants to Be a Designated Driver?
6>
Suddenly Boozin'
5>
No Seriously, Seriously... Listen to Me, Raymond:
I Love You, Man!
4>
That 80-Proof Show
3>
Johnnie Walker, Scottish Ranger
2>
Swillin' Grace
1>
Malcolm in a Puddle -- of His Own Vomit
*****************************************************
There was a
small town nestled in a valley which was powered
by a dam. One
day, the dam broke and flooded the valley.
Naturally
everyone headed for higher ground. Once everyone
reached higher
ground, they began scanning the area for
people or
animals who needed help.
After a few
hours of looking it seemed that every one was
safe, except
that there was this little straw hat that would
bob down stream
about a 50 yards and then bob back up stream
50 yards. It
would then move to the side and bob down stream
and then back
up stream... It kept repeating this.
Nobody could
figure out why it was doing this. After awhile
of pondering
this, a young boy recalled his Granddad saying
that come hell
or high water he was going to get the lawn
mowed.
*****************************************************
Ways
to Liven Up the Super Bowl (Part
I)
11> Less is
more -- topless cheerleaders and bottomless punters.
10>
Terrorists with explosives taped to their chests get in for
free.
9>
Halftime entertainment? Televised
invasion of Cuba.
8>
Replace the football with a monkey on crack.
7>
Big halftime extravaganza featuring both East and West coast
rappers.
6>
Halftime "Two Mikes with Gloves" boxing match:
Tyson vs. Jackson
5>
When refs blows a call, they do a shot of tequila.
4>
End-zone/touchdown dances must interpret one of the four
seasons.
3>
Halftime entertainment: The Ohio State Marching Band forms
a giant Bill and Monica, reenacts the entire Starr Report
during halftime.
2>
After halftime show, Stevie Wonder stays on as guest referee.
1>
Randomly set off fireworks right behind Dan Reeves to see
how his quadruple bypass holds up.
*****************************************************
For a couple of
months now, The Gap has been running a series of ads
featuring
various artists doing their own versions of Supertramp's "Give a
Little
Bit."
Here are a few
artist/song combinations which we thought might make
interesting Gap
ads...
Rejected
Singer/Song Pairings for Gap Ads
15> Paula
Poundstone -- "Sweet Child of Mine"
14> Tina
Turner -- "Stand by Your Man"
13> Jerry
Lee Lewis -- "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
12> Courtney
Love -- "Like a Virgin"
11> Marilyn
Manson -- "Sharp Dressed Man"
10> Milli
Vanilli -- "Too Legit to Quit"
9>
P. Diddy -- "Happiness Is a Warm Gun"
8>
Bob Hope -- "My Heart Will Go On"
7>
Lil' Kim -- "White Wedding"
6>
George Michael -- "Beat It"
5>
Traveling Wilburys -- "Another One Bites the Dust"
4>
Tommy Lee -- "My Ding-a-Ling"
3>
Dolly Parton -- "It's a Small World"
2>
Michael Jackson -- "Eyes Without a Face"
1>
Mariah Carey -- "I Wanna Be Sedated"
*****************************************************
>
>Recently, a
magazine ran a contest asking people to submit quotes from
>their
real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
>
>1. As of
tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
>using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
>employees
will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
>quote from
Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
>
>2. What I
need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
>(Lykes
Lines Shipping)
>
>3. E-mail
is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
>used only
for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
>
>4. This
project is so important, we can't let things that are more
>important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel
>Service)
>
>5. Doing it
right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
>believe you
solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
>months.Now,
go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
>time to
tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
>Corp.)
>
>6. My Boss
spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
>needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
>couldn't
edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
>Computers)
>
>7. Quote
from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
>(Marketing
executive, Citrix Corporation)
>
>8. My
sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.When I
>told my
Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
>busiest day
of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
>Friday.He
said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
>Florists)
>
>9. "We
know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
>to discuss
it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
>Division)
>
>10. We
recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
>inform you
that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
>mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
>
>11. One day
my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
>project I
was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.He
>said
"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
>for
it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
>
*****************************************************
The Italian
government is considering installing a clock in
the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to
have the
inclination if you don't have the time?
*****************************************************
Big news on the
education front!
MTV has
announced that a line of PCs bearing its logo and designed for
college dorm
rooms will appear this spring.
Features of the
MTV Computer
15> Comes
with dozens of term papers written by people who
actually study.
14>
"Madonna" operating system looks completely different every
time you turn the computer on.
13> Icons
automatically replaced every 6 months with younger,
more attractive icons.
12> Comes
with additional MTV2 PC that actually plays games and
runs applications.
11> Virus
protection software dispenses condoms from floppy drive.
10> Ugly
users only allowed to log on during spring break when
everyone else is partying.
9>
*NTEL *NSIDE
8>
Converts all illegal MP3 downloads into "You're busted, dude!"
message from Lars Ulrich.
7>
Comes pre-loaded with software to help you construct your own
"hizz-ome pizz-age."
6>
Insert key causes robotic arm to stuff Doritos into your mouth
when you're too stoned to do it yourself.
5>
"Dude, Where's My Mouse?" locator
4>
Out: Clippy the Paper Clip
In: The even more-annyoing Carson Daly
3>
Built-in "WordRap" software alerts users if words are spelled
correctly.
2>
Special video mode makes Michael Jackson look black.
1>
Whenever you try to play music, you just get video of a
bunch of snotty kids in an expensive apartment.
*****************************************************
FOR ALL THE
GOLFERS
> 1.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind
>
during your swing.
>
2. When your shot has to
carry over a water hazard, you can either hit
>
one more club or two more balls.
>
3. If you are afraid a full
shot might reach the green while the group
> ahead
are still putting, you have two options:
>
you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is
>
clear and top a ball halfway there.
>
4. The less skilled the
player, the more likely he is to share his
>
ideas about the golf swing.
>
5. If it isn't broke, try
changing your grip.
>
6. Golfers who claim they
don't cheat also lie.
>
7. Everyone replaces his
divot after a perfect approach shot.
>
8. A golf match is a test of
your skill against your opponent's luck.
>
9. It's surprisingly easy to
sink a 50 foot putt when you lie 10.
>
10. Counting on your
opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
>
11. Nonchalant putts count
the same as chalant putts.
> 12.
It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
>
13. The shortest distance
between any two points on a golf course is a
>
straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
>
14. There are two kinds of
bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the
>
way you intended to play it.
>
15. You can hit a two-acre
fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch
>
on a tree 90% of the time.
>
16. Every time a golfer
makes a birdie he must subsequently make three
>
triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
>
17. If you want to hit a
7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try
>
to lay up just short of a water hazard
>
18. To calculate the speed
of a player's downswing, multiply the speed
>
of his backswing by his handicap.