Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
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A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
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A little boy is waiting for his Mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his Mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bit. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth down below. At age 16, he falls for this young girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates. "HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No, I don't," she responds
"Yes you do," he says. "My Mom told me that you do."
"No, I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." And with that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little look.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there. "Oh for heavens sake!" she screams.
With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs wide open, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He takes a long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
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It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his butt.
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.
In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
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Dubious Choices for Concert Sponsors
15> Harley Davidson presents Culture Club
14> Armani presents Bruce Springsteen
13> Mothers Against Drunk Driving presents Everclear
12> Lipton Tea presents Boston
11> The Committee To Elect Al Gore presents Bush
10> Red Lobster presents Phish
9> Microsoft presents Bad Company
8> Piper Aircraft presents The Dead Kennedys
7> Ivory Soap presents Rob Zombie
6> Krispy Kreme Doughnuts presents Hole
5> Pepto Bismol presents Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Spice Girls
4> Weight Watchers presents Cake
3> Viagra presents Deep Purple
2> Dr. Scholl's presents Korn
1> Preparation H presents The Butthole Surfers
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14> Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death
13> Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat
12> Slack-In-The-Box
11> Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club
10> Peon Palazzo
9> Yuppie Terrarium
8> The SnackFooda Triangle
7> English Majors Entry Point
6> Luxury Manhattan Apartment
5> Picasso's Folly
4> International Porn Downloading Headquarters
3> Fortress of Servitude
2> Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal
1> Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
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Taken from news accounts:
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say:"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann (1996):"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%$@* clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
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15> Beating John Malkovich
14> The Wizard of Ows
13> Stingin' in the Pain
12> That Darn Cat-O'-Nine!
11> To Sir, Whip Love
10> Sex, Lies, and Duct Tape
9> Schindler's Fist
8> Wife is Dutiful
7> Hannah and Her Blisters
6> From Here to Infirmary
5> Eyes Fried Shut
4> Children of a Leather God (starring William Hurt)
3> Blazing Paddles
2> Submission to Lars
1> The 'Natrix
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A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process.
Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
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A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
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Learning that he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.
As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.
"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.
Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
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Rejected Children's Book Titles
16> Charlotte's Website
15> The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology
14> Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor
13> Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation
12> What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?
11> The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card
10> You're Different -- And All the Other Kids Hate You!
9> The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear
8> How to Write With Your Wee-Wee
7> What's That Bag For, Grandpa?
6> Tobacco Man vs. the FDA Gang
5> What Lucy Needs is Some Hot Monkey Love, Charlie Brown
4> Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism
3> Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in
Ms. LeTourneau's Class
2> Horton Hires A Ho
1> Where the Curly Red Fur Grows
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would ome back and inform the other of the after-life. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Mary...Mary...."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex 'til late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
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The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "...because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said.
Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!', and if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!
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A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
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Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern.
The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."
The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"
She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."
The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a JC."
Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"
She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and Coke, Duh!"
The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".
The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means.
The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course, its a seven and seven, Duh!"
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Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
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Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
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Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running, shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong my with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has penis... AND a brain?"
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l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. that's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating donuts?************************************************
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."