Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
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Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow ...
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
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Ten Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
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Signs Spring Break Has Arrived
15> Cars on Florida freeways reach speeds in excess of 17 mph.
14> Earth's rotation shifts slightly, as 80% of the world's beer converges on Florida.
13> State troopers all over the country stand in front of their mirrors, drawing their radar guns and saying, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
12> George W. Bush goes from being vague about the issues at Bob Jones University to getting right to the point at the beach with some Notre Dame co-eds.
11> Portable toilets replace technology stocks as the big gainer on the NASDAQ.
10> Residents of Ft. Lauderdale and Panama City start Scotch-Guarding everything, including pets.
9> The average age in Florida dips all the way down to 72.
8> Weatherman's latest forecast for South Padre Island? 95% chance of meaningless sex with random people.
7> Daylight Savings Time ends; Moonlight Puking Time begins.
6> Live from Lake Havasu City, MTV is proud to bring you "Undressed, Unconscious and Unprotected."
5> A naked Ted Kennedy causes a brief stir when confused tourists attempt to save the senator by pushing him back into the sea.
4> You get to see breasts without that pesky two drink minimum and constant tipping.
3> J.C. Penney holds its annual "Thong and Bong Sale."
2> White trash teenage cross dressing vampire nuns on Jerry Springer suddenly sporting bitchin' tans
1> You wake up behind a 7-11 in Daytona with a goat and a Barbie doll, reeking of marmalade -- and your first thought is "Not again!!"
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One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Original List ... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man,
Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man,
Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
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Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You ...
You like to be in crowds because they keep you from falling down.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
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THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN" BY DAVE BARRY
1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Signs You're at an AOL Theme Park
14> "Twice as many rides -- all 40% slower!!"
13> The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.
12> The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible at all.
11> Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.
10> The sign outside the big top tent reads, "We're sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later."
9> Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.
8> None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.
7> A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.
6> Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.
5> Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.
4> The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.
3> You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.
2> "We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line' ride is unavailable. Please try again soon."
1> IT'S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!
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A preacher stood up in front of his congregation one Sunday morning, looking really down in the mouth. He said, "I have heard some very disturbing rumors about me this past week and I feel I must address them this morning. I heard that one of my congregation has been going around saying that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan."
"This is just simply untrue and I would like the member who has been telling this fabrication to please stand and confess this lie to the congregation."
After a few minutes, a shapely blonde on the front pew timidly stands up and looks around at the congregation. She says, "I just don't know how my conversation got so misconstrued.
What I said was, 'The Pastor is a wizard under the sheets!'"
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Home Cold Fusion Reactor made with Pepsi and a Tampon
The Hoover Electrolux 3000 - Nature's Vacuum
The Amazing, Incredible, Stupendous, Real Live Chia Clone
Sound Dampening Principles: Snagging the Car Without Waking Up the Parental Units
Cloning Cheerleaders: Improving Poindexter's Chances of Getting a Date for the Prom
Using the Internet to Investigate Teachers' Private Lives
Energizer Bunny Autopsy - Dissecting the Pink Menace
Exploring the Flame-Retardent Aspects of Principal Barnes' Toupee
The Use of Marijuana for Glaucoma Prevention Among High Schoolers
Beans: Magical, Menacing or Merely Musical?
Backseat Cloning: Three Steps to Knocking up Debbie Sanders
Tic Tacs or Mentos? Hiding Vodka Breath
Qualitative Analysis of Acme Products And Their Effects On The Laws of Cartoon Quantum Mechanics
Uranus: Mighty Gas Giant!
Repetitive Sound-Induced Violence, Non-Spontaneous Human Combustion & the Disappearance of Billy Ray Cyrus
************************************************
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG
(they don't stop for directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON)
(they're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(nobody knows, since it has never happened)
13. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument) >
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Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made
passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."The Jewish guy says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"
The Jewish guy shrugged. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
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9 Barbara Walters Questions For Monica Lewinsky That Didn't Make It
1. Monica, can you wemember your first bwowjob?
2. Monica, would you cwassify yourself as a guzzwer?
3. Monica, would you like to see Bwil Cwinton castwated?
4. Monica, what would you like to say to Hiwwawy?
5. Monica, tell us about the dwizzle on the dwess.
6. Monica, what was it wike to be the Pwesident's wove swave?
7. Monica, did Mr. Cwinton ever use a cigar to pway with your wabia?
8. Monica, did the Pwesident ever wick your twat?
9. Monica, swawwower or spitter?
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Signs the Antichrist is a Vegetarian
15> Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell are now just used to roast marshmallows.
14> Mysteriously, a movement arises to replace communion wafers with body-free tofu-of-Christ.
13> Vegetarians emit more gas than meat-eaters. What, you thought that smell was sulphur?
12> Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when planted in a pentagram configuration.
11> The new line of Satan's Own salad dressings ("All after-tax profits go to Hell").
10> He recoils at the sight of the cross of a T-bone.
9> As the apocalypse begins, every Outback Steakhouse is reduced to a pile of cinders.
8> "Take this, all of you and eat it, this is my tofu burrito..."
7> Always bringing his crappy under-garlicked hummus to Microsoft company picnics.
6> Gardenburger now offers patties in the shape of a Christian child.
5> Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.
4> Vanity license plate: BLZBROC
3> Have you *tasted* tofu, man? Is there any *doubt* that slop is the work of the Devil?
2> As we all know, the Antichrist of Revelations can only be destroyed by the power of pure, glorious Spam.
1> His black shroud is really just an XXXL "Meat is Murder" T-shirt turned inside out.
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I heard this one over the weekend....my sister-in-law enlightened me...
when your management decides to pass down another useless "edict", the word is:
"bohica"
Which stands for, "Bend over, here it comes again"!
So next time you get that eMail, or announcement, you can all groan, "Oh, bohica!"
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Indications Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics
12> "Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!"
11> Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus."
10> Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his "exit poll."
9> She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plus or minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on "party member" turn-out.
8> Enjoys performing filibusters on you.
7> You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his sock drawer.
6> Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place."
5> Her "Hey, Forbes -- put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt.
4> She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is in love with you, 43% percent of her is pissed that you leave your clothes on the floor.
3> AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!"
2> Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to "www.hotButteredGore.com."
1> Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!"
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After a night in the pub, two Irishmen coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
"Glory be,Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"
"No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"
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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne
Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain
what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done
to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next
week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and
asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of
urgency."
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Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great
state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."