Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
A Irish truck driver was sitting at a set of traffic lights in a small
Irish town when his engine stopped. He tried to start the truck a couple
of time but to no avail. By this time the lights had gone green then red
again. The driver sitting behind his soon got tired of waiting, so he
strolled up to the trucker and quietly asked "is there a particular shade
of green that you're waiting for."
************************************************
While in Israel recently, I found a great buy on a computer. It is a
kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good
price that...well... Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are
considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some
important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used
to, such as:
* The cursor moves from right to left.
* It comes with two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
* Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
* The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels."
* The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
* After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
* The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
* When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
* The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
* Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
* I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
* Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
* When running Scandisk, it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
* When my PC is working extremely hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
* There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
* After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
* Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
* The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
* If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
* When Spellcheck finds an error, it prompts: "Is this the best you can do?"
************************************************
The Mathematics Of Relationships
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves
were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real
number. They both wanted to get skewed. The day their lines
first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on,
it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime,
so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She
was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was
amazed by her conical projections.
"Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her
local maximum. They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught
her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of
his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of
their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical
point, their finite limit.
After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a
right-handed limit, and that was a problem. It was improper form.
He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention
square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension.
Things just weren't adding up, so they diverged. That was a real
plus because he needed to get her out of his domain.
She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat
undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a
cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.
************************************************
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help
you understand the mysterious language of science and
medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone
reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN... I didn't look up the original reference.
A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT... These data are practically meaningless.
WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE
ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS... An unsuccessful experiment, but
I still hope to get it published.
THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY...
The other results didn't make any sense.
TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN... This is the prettiest graph.
THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT... I might get around
to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
IN MY EXPERIENCE... Once
IN CASE AFTER CASE... Twice
IN A SERIES OF CASES... Thrice
IT IS BELIEVED THAT... I think.
IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT... A couple of others think so, too.
CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE... Wrong.
ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS... Rumor has it.
A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF
THESE FINDINGS... A wild guess.
A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA... Three pages of notes were
obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE
A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS...I don't
understand it
AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES... They don't
understand it either.
THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE
EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it
meant.
A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY... A totally
useless topic selected by my committee.
IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION
IN THIS FIELD... I quit.
************************************************
Actual Personals From Israeli Newspapers
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.
Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me.
I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light
shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend
brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av,
Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar,B'Tammuz.
Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in
woman. POB 43.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will
accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just
forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.
Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB
555.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing,
track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76
************************************************
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
--------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small
town bar, where Mick bragged
to Sean, "You know, I had me every
woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you
and me we got 'em all."
--------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job
at a sawmill. Just before the
morning break, Pat yelled "Mick,
I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick.
"And how did you do it?"
Pat replied
"I just touched this big, shiny
spinning thing here like this...
damn! There goes another one!"
--------------------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,
I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a
nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.
--------------------------------------------------
An Irishman who had a little to
drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car
is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop
to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of
course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like
you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop,
standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife
fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
--------------------------------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father
O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you,
dear?" She says, "Oh, Father,
I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's
terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?" She says, "He said,
'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
--------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
************************************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.There is always death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Anything free is worth what you paid for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator - never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan on living forever - so far, so good.
I am in shape! Round is a shape.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at 40; it begins to show.
YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU GROW OLD; YOU GROW OLD BECAUSE YOU STOPPED LAUGHING.
************************************************
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it. >>
************************************************
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the
task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...
(scroll down)...
(more)...
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
************************************************
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night
of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale
known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have
sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real
fancy Jaguars."
************************************************
Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.
All he wants to do is watch "Catlock."
Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.
Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead." This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.
Bitches non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens these days."
Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.
"You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the '80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin' claws off..."
Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.
Writes "Put me to sleep" in its litter box with pee.
When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.
Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.
Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.
Occasionally forgets to ignore you.
Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.
Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.
While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.
Cat castle: $50; Live mouse: $20; Dinner that doesn't move or fight back: Priceless.
He's doing that silly lick-over, trying to make the fur from his right haunch cover the bald spot.
Instead of jumping up on the newspaper while you're reading it, sits in your lap and warily scans the obituaries.
Last time you visited the vet, his only advice was to "keep a shoebox handy."
Stops chasing mice, starts chasing snails.
The "pat-pat-pat" of paws on lino no longer heard over the "slap-slap-slap" of nipples against knees.
Walks over to the litter box, then can't remember why.
You haven't actually seen her awake in about three years.
************************************************
A gentlemen went into the Social Security Office to apply for Social
Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home "Will I have to go all the way home and come back now?" He asked.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excited tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability too"
************************************************
How you KNOW you're in Southern California:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000".
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.
23. You pass a elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
25. You AND your dog have therapist...
************************************************
"Secrets for a Happy Marriage"
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in
New York.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So
I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In
the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
************************************************
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that
was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was
steaming. When he was finally brought before the local
magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This
town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's
passing through."
************************************************
This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks,
was surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan.
She called the loan officer & said, "I can't return your money.
I'm not finished with it yet."
Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who
don't have accounts with their bank, the teller said, "Why if
he didn't have an account here, I wouldn't cash a check for my
own brother." The irate customer replied, "Well... you know your
family a lot better than I."
While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and
downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my
financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked,
"Really ??? Even with all the fluctuations ?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up
and cry for a couple of hours."
************************************************
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air
Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under
age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped customs area. A young customs official watched
our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these
children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you
have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your
possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I
would have used them by now."