Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their
ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour
the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still
drive!"
************************************************
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He
asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her
knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals,
looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the
whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of
peeved voice, "Well, what are you doing?"
She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with
no money - 'just looking'."
************************************************
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that you are their master.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs have ten breasts.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never visit.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
************************************************
"Why Women Are Better than Dogs"
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Women know how to make popcorn.
************************************************
"How Women and Dogs Are the Same"
Both look stupid in hats.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both put too much value on kissing.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have hip problems.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither understands football.
Neither believes that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
************************************************
Hello,
I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy!
The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body.
It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an
artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.
Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you forward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors
could help me better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.
Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in hell.
Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.
Thank You.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body.
************************************************
It's that time of year again and I know you have been awaiting with bated breath the nominees and they are:
The Darwin awards are out! For those who don't know, these are the awards given to those who, out of their stupidity, are improving the human race.
The 1999 Darwin nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, a mechanic of Alamo, Michigan, was killed as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of the troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.
NOMINEE No 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47 accidentally shot himself to death in Newton, NC Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone, but grabbed instead a Smith Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer, demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper, crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawers,
managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No. 5: Michael Anderson Godwin made news posthumously. He spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair for a murder conviction before successfully having his sentence reduced to life imprisonment. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion. A Jay County man, using a lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed when the weapon discharged in his face.
Sheriff investigators said Gregory David Pryor died in his parents rural Dunkirk home while cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 7: [AP, St. Louis]: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently behaving in a disorderly fashion in a St. Louis market, when the clerk threatened to call the police. Pueblo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat after he had choked to death.
NOMINEE No. 8: [Unknown]: Poacher Marino Malerba shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging cliff and was killed instantly when the dead stag fell on him.
NOMINEE No. 9: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]: Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering and explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party.
NOMINEE No. 10: [UPI, Portland, Oregon]: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man, shot through the skull by a hunting arrow, is lucky to be alive and will be released soon. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into Mountain Men Anonymous, a men's rafting club in Grants Pass Oregon. A member tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye instead. Doctors said that if the arrow had gone one millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been severed and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr.John
Delashaw said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of Roberts' skull, yet somehow, it managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Roberts had tried to pull the arrow out, he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Roberts said, "I feel so dumb about this."
NOMINEE No. 11: [The Calgary Sun (CP)]: A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during a shouting match, but when he stuffed it back into his pants, the gun went off.
NOMINEE No. 12: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, from Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not
available, and Wallis noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights began to operate and the two men proceeded eastbound toward White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the
other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released. "Thank God we weren't on the bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me," said the reporting officer, Dovey Snyder. "I can't believe those two would admit how this accident happened" Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
************************************************
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals,
recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic
because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only
bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all night.
************************************************
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait
several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that
women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to
achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
************************************************
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is reddish purple. He can't believe it. The sky is reddish purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is reddish purple grass, reddish purple birds and reddish purple fruit on the reddish purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn reddish purple too.
Oh no!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!"
************************************************
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12.. I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
************************************************
The musical "Cats," which is the longest-running show in
Broadway history, will close in June after 7,397 performances.
** Just to be sure it doesn't happen again, Andrew Lloyd-
Webber and the entire cast will be spayed or neutered.
The Vatican has opened a fully-outfitted and authorized
chapel in Rome's International Airport.
** "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It will be six minutes
before my next departure."
The Federal Aviation Administration reports that 23 planes
have been found to have problems with tail mechanisms.
** In order to study the affected tails, the FAA will now order
what is known as a "Booty Recall."
President Clinton said one of the toughest things about
Hillary's campaign for the New York Senate was having to
listen to people criticize her.
** "I simply can't stand that kind of disrespect," said the
President. "If one of my mistresses starts talking trash about
Hillary, I tell them that if they are going to talk like that, they
can just put their clothes on and catch a cab."
The Recording Industry Association of America reports that
sales of recorded music in the U.S. rose to $14.6 billion in
1999.
** That figure swells to over $20 billion if you include The
Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears in the definition of
"music."
The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is coming out.
** It's one of the few times during the year the magazine
strays from stories about what sports is really all about; you
know -- murders, salary negotiations, and shoe contracts.
************************************************
14. Got to Get You Off of My Wife
13. She Came In Thru John's Fragile Ego
12. She's A Woman (Who Was A Man)
11. Can't Buy Me Love (But Can Rent It By The Hour For 300 Big Ones!)
10. Polythene Pam Anderson
9. Crackbird
8. Lucy In The Sky With Linus
7. Eleanor Furby
6. All You Need Is Drugs
5. Nor-Region Woody
4. She Came In Through The Whitehouse Window
3. While My Guitar Gently Fetches £150,000 At Auction
2. I Wanna Hold You, Hans
1. Lay Me, Madonna
************************************************
A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and
down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her
head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and
ask if she is having a problem. She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the
beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes
thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."
Ears. "Two ears of corn."
Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
Crotch: "Fantastic."
************************************************
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"
So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?"
Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated,
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel."
************************************************
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk/doll in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys/girls in Marketing from looking down your blouse/shirt.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. With a little help from the office Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
************************************************
Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist.
"Put this little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the
optometrist.
"Now over the right eye, Now over the left eye. No, Ole, I said
left eye. Now right ... No Ole, your right eye!"
Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist.
"Now, Ole," the optometrist continued, "just remember which
is your left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye.... No Ole,
that's your left eye!"
Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper bag,
cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back
and forth from the left eye to the right eye.
"Now, Ole," asked the optometrist, "How is that?"
"Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I
could have some wire rims like Sven."
************************************************
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
9. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Element Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Sex, it's for married couples too.
27. "Do these jeans make my butt look big"? Why men must lie.
************************************************
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house.
The farmer gladly accommodates them, but tells them that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn.
In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door.
It's the Hindu. He says "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."
A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.
So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.
A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...
************************************************
THINGY:
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra
VULNERABLE:
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION:
female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the boys.
BUTT:
female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT:
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT:
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking
FLATULENCE:
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
************************************************
One snowy Saturday, Jerry was having a coffee with his friend
Matt, a city bus driver. "What's new at transit, Matt?"
"I got a commendation the other day."
"Congratulations. What did you do?", Jerry asked.
"Well, Tuesday, just after the start of my first run of the day, a
drunk got on the bus and fell asleep. After watching people
avoid the seats near the drunk for one and a half loops of my
run, I finally took the man and dragged him off the bus."
Jerry was shocked. "You got a commendation for throwing a
poor drunk off the bus and into a snow bank?"
"No, no.", Matt replied. "On my next run I noticed the drunk
was still lying in the snow so I dragged him back into the
warmth of the bus. Someone saw me do that and phoned it
in."
************************************************
Rules for budding gammaticians:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjuction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redunancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earthshaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Never verb nouns or adverb adjectives.
And finally,
35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
************************************************
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts, and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to leave the damned toilet seat down !
I won't grab your hooters, i won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind !
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll neve buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride !
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you astory to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over, and fall sound asleep !
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can foget all about that 'ol penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you !
************************************************
Signs That You've Already Grown Up
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie =3D The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
************************************************
"Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn"
by Dave Barry
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people tomake a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
*********************************
1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[ True ] or [False ]
2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
[ True ] or [ False ]
3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[ True ] or [ False ]
4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
[ True ] or [ False ]
5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
[ True ] or [ False ]
6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
[ True ] or [ False ]
8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[ True ] or [ False ]
9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[ True ] or [ False ]
10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[ True ] or [ False ]
11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[ True ] or [ False ]
12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[ True ] or [ False ]
13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
[ True ] or [ False ]
14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[ True ] or [ False ]
15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[ True ] or [ False ]
16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
[ True ] or [ False ]
17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
[ True ] or [ False ]
18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[ True ] or [ False ]
19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]
21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
[ True ] or [ False ]
22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
[ True ] or [ False ]
23.) Pornography is the business of making records.
[ True ] or [ False ]
24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
[ True ] or [ False ]
25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[ True ] or [ False ]