Okay, okay....wait a second! The jokes are coming....
************************************************
Rejected
Names for Anti-Impotence Drugs
15>
Menicillin
14>
Schwanzenhance
13>
Wood 'n' Plenty
12>
Chubbie Delight
11>
BoneRite
10>
Penochio
9>
Presidentia
8>
PharmaFluffer
7>
Schwingicin-D
6>
Wang Shui
5>
Limpbegone
4>
Erextacy
3>
TriEthyl TriMary TriEthylagain
2>
Phun-Phun
1>
I Can't Believe It's Not Rigor Mortis!
Bumper
Stickers I wish I had (some old and some new):
1. Honk If You Want To See My Finger
2. CATS: The other white meat
3. Dain bramaged
4. Don't be sexist - broads hate that
5. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
6. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
7. Boldly going nowhere
8. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
10. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
11. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
12. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
13. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
14. I'm an imbecile and I vote
15. Money Isn't Everything...But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
16. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
17. Saw it ... Wanted it ... Had a fit ...Got it!
18. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
19. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
20. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
21. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot
22. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
23. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
24. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
25. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
26. JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He
Scores!
27. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
28. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
29. Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
30. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
31. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
32. Grow your own dope, plant a man
33. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
34. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
35. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
36. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
37. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
38. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
39. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
40. All men are idiots....I married their king.
41. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
42. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
43. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
44. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
45. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
46. Hang up and drive.
47. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
48. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
49. Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
50. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
51. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
53. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
54. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
55. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
So,
while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the
second, "OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on
the pavement."
His
partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks,
"How
do you spell 'pavement'?"
So
the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says,
"Head
on the road."
"Actual
Graffiti In The Microsoft Bathroom"
1.
Bill Gates Downloads Here
2.
Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet
3.
To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At The
Same Time.
4.
For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org
5.
Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT.
6.
MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? ... in the crapper!
7.
Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!
8.
Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked picture of her.
9.
THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If something, Them goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
Titles
for a Movie About Elian Gonzalez
13>
Bill and Fidel's Excellent Adventure
12>
From Here to Paternity
11>
Marisleysis on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
10>
Elian ("On a raft, no one can
hear you scream.")
9>
Janet and the Amazing Multi-Cultural Lawsuit
8>
E.G.
7>
Three Thousand Relatives and a Baby
6>
Bay of Pigs in the City
5>
Blame It On Reno
4>
The Hispanish Prisoner
3>
Havana Can Wait
2>
One Washed Into the Cuckoos' Nest
1>
Raging Bullshit
Oooo,
if it's not true, it's too good to pass up!
This
soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife.
She was back home in the states. She
found out about it through some anonymous letters.
The
soldier gets a package from his wife. He
finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite
stateside TV shows.
He
invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They're all having a great time eating the cookies and
watching episodes of "South Park".
Right
in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the
soldier's wife, on her knees, giving the soldier's best friend oral sex.
After
a few seconds, the best friend "does his business" and she turns, on
camera, and spits it right into . . . a
mixing bowl of cookie dough.
The
wife then looks right into the camera and says, "I want a divorce."
Now
THAT'S a "Dear John" letter.
A
woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a
man and agreed to marry him.
As
their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending
deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry
her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The
honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to
see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What
can I help you with?" he asked.
She
said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs
called?"
"Well,"
he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I
see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?"
The
old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the
penis."
"I
do declare!" exclaimed the young woman.
"One
last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12" - to -
14" behind the head of the penis?"
He
paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, but on me, they're called
the cheeks of my ass!"
A
blind man was standing outside when a dog came up to him.
The
dog was sniffing him and all of a sudden he lifted his leg and peed on the man.
So the man took some cookies out of his pocket to feed to the dog.
A woman had seen this and asked the man why he felt the need to feed the
dog cookies after it had peed on him.
He
said "I have to find his mouth so I can kick his ass!"
Translations
of Celebrities' Chinese Tattoos
15>
Robert Downey, Jr.: "If found,
please call (310) 555-7452"
14>
Backstreet Boys: "Millennium
Vanilli"
13>
Al Gore: "Man who looks and
acts like bamboo"
12>
John Rocker: "We are the
world..."
11>
Angelina Jolie: "Oh,
Brother!"
10>
Elian Gonzalez: "I rafted to
America, and all I got was this lousy Chinese character tattoo!"
9>
Chuck Norris: "I don't know panda shit about martial arts."
8>
Jennifer Lopez: "Does this
tattoo make my butt look big?"
7>
Mark Chamura: "Penetrates young defenses"
6>
Calista Flockhart: "Needs more
rice"
5>
George W. Bush: "Confucius, he
ain't"
4>
David Arquette: "Shut up, shut
up, shut up!!!"
3>
Keanu Reeves: "Thick as the Great Wall itself"
2>
Michael Jackson: "(c) 1991
Chiba-san Android Technologies, Taiwan R.O.C."
EMPLOYEE
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
1.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2.
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
3.
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."
4.
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5.
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6.
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7.
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8.
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
9.
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10.
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11.
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
12.
"A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13.
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14.
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15.
"He's been working with glue too much."
16.
"He would argue with a signpost."
17.
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18.
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19.
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other ne."
20.
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21.
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22.
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23.
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't oming."
24.
"He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for t."
25.
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26.
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27.
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28.
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29.
"One neuron short of a synapse."
30.
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31.
"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-Minutes'."
32.
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
A
little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The
girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He
says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The
girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
She
says, "OK. You can be the husband."
A
father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf.
On the way out to the first tee they are joking, boasting, and cussing.
This is very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a
fine ooking woman carrying her clubs approaches them. She explains that her
artner didn't show and asks if she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree.
Soon
afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss in her presence.
The lady then turns to the three of them and says, "Listen, boys, I don't
care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit
or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game."
She
then proceeds to tee off.
All
eyes are on her butt she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then
knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She
continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for at least par on every hole.
When
they get to the 18th green, she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and
says, "I want to thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I
have never shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt.
If any of your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a
night of hot sex that you'll never forget."
The
son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up the putt for a
couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the
right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go
into the cup."
Then,
the father says, "Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right
and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole, and fall into the cup."
The
grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on
the green, picks it up, and says, "To hell with the putt, that's a Gimme."
An
airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and
went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They
searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They
walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the
crash.
The
Chief said, "You betcha!"
When
asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank
the Pepsi."
The
Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The
chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another
rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The
Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After
looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you
know...eat, their...'things'?"
The
chief says, "No."
"No?"
asked the rescuer.
"No,"
replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
A
Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they
just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!"
says the clerk.
Looking
at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw,
thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears
'til she gets the hang of it."
A
little boy is waiting for his Mom to come out of the changing room while
shopping with her. The little boy
gets bored and when his Mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a
dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND
OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN
THERE!"
The
little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't
get bit. So, for the rest of his
life, this poor little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth down below.
At age 16, he falls for this young girl.
One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a
little action. After a few hours of
making out on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What
do you mean?" he asks.
"Well,
why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No,
I don't," she responds
"Yes
you do," he says. "My Mom
told me that you do."
"No,
I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." And with that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little look.
"No,
I'm sorry" he says. "My
Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there. "Oh for heavens
sake!" she screams.
With
that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs wide open, and says,
"Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He
takes a long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm
not surprised."
It
seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking
autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his butt.
What
he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those
sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture
your tires if you try to go the other way.
In
his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation,
and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
Dubious
Choices for Concert Sponsors
15>
Harley Davidson presents Culture Club
14>
Armani presents Bruce Springsteen
13>
Mothers Against Drunk Driving presents Everclear
12>
Lipton Tea presents Boston
11>
The Committee To Elect Al Gore presents Bush
10>
Red Lobster presents Phish
9>
Microsoft presents Bad Company
8>
Piper Aircraft presents The Dead Kennedys
7>
Ivory Soap presents Rob Zombie
6>
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts presents Hole
5>
Pepto Bismol presents Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Spice Girls
4>
Weight Watchers presents Cake
3>
Viagra presents Deep Purple
2>
Dr. Scholl's presents Korn
1>
Preparation H presents The Butthole Surfers
14>
Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death
13>
Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat
12>
Slack-In-The-Box
11>
Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club
10>
Peon Palazzo
9>
Yuppie Terrarium
8>
The SnackFooda Triangle
7>
English Majors Entry Point
6>
Luxury Manhattan Apartment
5>
Picasso's Folly
4>
International Porn Downloading Headquarters
3>
Fortress of Servitude
2>
Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal
1>
Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
Taken
from news accounts:
Chicago
Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New
Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And,
upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say:
"I'd
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."
Matt
Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football
commentator and former player Joe Theismann (1996):
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior
basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill
Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson
recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of
academic requirements:
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing
promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu
Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of
himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%$@* clothes."
Shaquille
O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille
O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou
Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight
Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck
Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano
why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the
field for the coin toss against St. Louis:
"I'm
going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
(1981)
Jim
Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the
refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
(1986)
Alan
Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday
afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
(1991)
Frank
Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
Torrin
Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
He
treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby
Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who
received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too
much time on one subject."
15>
Beating John Malkovich
14>
The Wizard of Ows
13>
Stingin' in the Pain
12>
That Darn Cat-O'-Nine!
11>
To Sir, Whip Love
10>
Sex, Lies, and Duct Tape
9>
Schindler's Fist
8>
Wife is Dutiful
7>
Hannah and Her Blisters
6>
From Here to Infirmary
5>
Eyes Fried Shut
4>
Children of a Leather God (starring William Hurt)
3>
Blazing Paddles
2>
Submission to Lars
1>
The 'Natrix
A
young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a
much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The
angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other
criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little
stricter with the screening process.
Each
person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly
salary.
The
first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last
year."
The
angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She
states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He
turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your
life?"
The
man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh,"
the angel interrupts. "What
did you teach?"
A
squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed
to find a former lieutenant on the police force
covering the beat. He stopped the
car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the
sticks, would it?"
"That
it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his
way to the masquerade ball."
"You
mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How
was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well,"
mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That
there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his
cover."
Learning
that he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took
out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his delight, he found a woman
almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.
As
it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and
after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.
"Is
there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.
Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
Rejected Children's Book Titles
16>
Charlotte's Website
15>
The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A
Kid's Guide to Scatology
14>
Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor
13>
Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's
Guide to Masturbation
12>
What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?
11>
The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card
10>
You're Different -- And All the Other Kids Hate You!
9>
The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear
8>
How to Write With Your Wee-Wee
7>
What's That Bag For, Grandpa?
6>
Tobacco Man vs. the FDA Gang
5>
What Lucy Needs is Some Hot Monkey Love, Charlie Brown
4>
Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism
3>
Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in
Ms. LeTourneau's Class
2>
Horton Hires A Ho
1>
Where the Curly Red Fur Grows
A
couple made a deal that whoever died first would ome back and inform the other
of the after-life. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long
life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Mary...Mary...."
"Is
that you, Fred?"
"Yes,
I've come back like we agreed."
"What's
it like?"
"Well,
I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in
the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. After supper, I have sex 'til late at night. The next day it starts
again."
"Oh,
Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not
exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."